second hand news

my life is so weird and living where i am living right now isn’t working out well. i came home from work today to two dogs ive never seen barking their heads off at me. i am in quite a mood today so i aggravatedly scream “stop it” several times at these dogs. i was on the phone and had to hang up, then my stuff fell over in the mud…(oh the mud, ill get to that) and this girl appears out of nowhere all like hey, sorry. I have no idea who she is, and she says ive been waiting to meet you! Apparently my landlady took in another renter and this is her. This place is a mess. literal mess in every sense of the word. This is the second room mate she’s had since ive been here, and heard there were several before. i think i am the only one who can be any type of stable because i have a trailer. the trailer doesn’t have potable water, nor a sewage system, but hey its all me and nobody can come in here unless they are invited. its just that this place has been nothing but trouble since i got here.

my stepmom kicked me out in early october and gave me a month to move. no money saved, no job besides the one i have which had just been over, and no credit. she’s a huge fan of me, obviously. i just hate being here. i hate being in california right now. i hate being in my brain. i have everything i need, but i still am unhappy. i feel like i always am unhappy and striving for more. i know i need to stop and smell the roses (which i actually do do by the way) and enjoy this time, buts its hard and i am tired of traveling, moving and being unstable. i want to just know i am here until i dont want to, and no other reason besides that. thats on me, and that security only comes with owning property. i will get there some day.

sooo onto the mud. the mud is a serious issue that i am dealing with right now. if i leave my house i walk through a mud hell scape. my boots get sucked into the dark brown gross glossy mud. my car also is parked directly in mud. got stuck today actually. yup. mud. supposedly there will be more gravel by the end of the month. i won’t hold my breathe that it will actually do anything. i want to just run through a brick wall and scream so loud. so much rage inside wants to come out, but its just towards me. i am here because of me. i am here because i dont want to work hard, and deal with people and myself. i am so over that.

thanks for listening to me. if anyone is.

its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.

loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

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The excitement hits your chest like a sledgehammer breaking up concrete.

Your heart is pounding like a rabbit scratching its ear

Fear tries to scream at you to stop, urges you to turn around

You choose to ignore it.

You must see this through, you’ve gone this far,

there is no turning back.

Time to make the leap

Jump! Go for it! You can do it! You’re number 1!

Then comes the calm…

Everything feels okay

There is no more pounding heart

no more clammy hands

no more fear screaming in the background.

There is only SILENCE.

It drapes the room.

The awkwardness drapes the audience, shhhhhhhhh!

Congratulations, you did it.

Now please turn off your phone and enjoy the movie.

Moonrise Kingdom

“I’ll be out back……gotta find a tree to cut down..”-Walt Bishop aka Bill Murray

This past Friday the incredibly talented and one of my favorite directors; Wes Anderson released his new film Moonrise Kingdom. I heard about this film a few months back and was overwhelmed with excitement. There is just something about Wes Anderson’s films that really get me emotionally involved. No other films move me feel the same way his films do. This in turn makes me obsess and see anything Wes does.

As the film opened I felt the magic immediately. The way the camera flowed through the home of the main characters to the narrator filling us in on where we are, and who we are about to meet. It was Wes Anderson at his best and it was in front of my eyes. I don’t really want to go into too many details, because I want you to see the film, but I loved it. I felt like it was the perfect mix of The Royal Tenebaums, Rushmore and Life Aquatic all mixed together in one, but yet not at all. It had the vibe, if you know what I mean. I really did not enjoy Darjeeling Limited at all. It had parts I enjoyed and liked, but it didn’t feel the same as the other films. I love Wes Anderson and his mind because of how he makes me feel, and DJ didn’t have that. This film indeed did. So I urge you to go see it.

Here is a poem I wrote immediately after the film, I feel it sums it up best.

Moonrise Kingdom

A place of peace, love, surrender, honesty and most of all love.

Love can’t be judged by anyone else except us.

Age doesn’t exist.

Love comes in all forms, a cop, a teacher, a lawyer, a twin and even a coonskin hat.

They don’t know our passion, nor our electric connection.

Its us and only us under the stars.

A chance meeting one day, changed our lives forever.

Twelve or Twelve Hundred, our love is real.

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Spiritualized

Tonight I went to see Spiritualized at the Wiltern with my friend Vadim. It was one of those things that just felt right. He had mentioned it earlier in the week, and I had considered it, but semi blew it off. I then heard KCRW giving away tickets the other day and I waited for a while, and as soon as they told you to call in my phone rang and I missed my opportunity. Then today I got the text about going. This morning I felt super sick and almost canceled. I later mentioned not feeling so well and would decide later. All of a sudden around 5pm I felt better. Like nothing had happened to me, so I decided to go.

I didn’t have a ticket. The plan was to buy one from a scalper, and hope to not pay too much. As soon as I walked up to the venue an older homeless looking man said, “ticket for sale, floor” I stopped and asked how much, he wanted 20, I only had 15 on me, and we made a deal. Easy peasy. You may be asking yourself why on earth am I adding so much boring detail to how I got to the show. Well heres why….

I ran into a girl Audrey that I had randomly met at the Z Trip show at the MOCA. Audrey and I had a very unique connection immediately. As the night was ending, after hours of dancing it was time to go. I reached in my pocket and I felt a Rose Quartz stone that I was carrying around with me. As soon as I felt it, I knew it was meant for her. I went over to her and handed her the stone, and told her it was for her. She smiled, gave me a huge hug and told me she would never forget me. We talked about hoping to meet again sometime. And tonight we did.

As soon as I walked into the show she was the very first person I saw. It was like magic. I could’t believe how much I was meant to go to this show. Serendipity at its best for sure. We exchanged numbers and now will begin what I believe to be a very important friendship. I love that the universe brings people together no matter what. I trust that I will always get what I need, when I need it. I hope this helps you feel the same way too.

PS. The show was amazing. It was a spiritual experience and I hate to say that because it sounds lame, but its true. It was so powerful and intense, and really changed my life. I urge you to go see them sometime in your life. But until then listen to this song, because live it just blows your mind.

Truth be told…

Today I was watching TV and a character had said “I can’t lie, you can see it in my body language” That sentence could be me saying it. This reminded me of a story from when I was in 4th grade. A huge lie, that lead to me becoming extremely honest through out the rest of my life. I am going to share this story with you. One to get it off my chest and two because its hilarious. I have always been extremely embarrassed about this story, so I thought why not share it with the world of blog readers and set myself free right?

I grew up in a very Catholic, Italian/Irish family in a suburb of Philadelphia. We were forced to go to church every Sunday as well as go to Catholic school. My family was pretty poor, so I only attended up until 4th grade. In Fourth grade I wasn’t cool, popular, smart, funny or any of those things. I was pretty reserved and a loner (or so I think so). I for some reason decide to concoct a lie to one of my friends that spread like wild fire through out the entire school. The lie was this; My uncle was marrying Taylor Dayne. Yes that Taylor Dayne the 80’s pop singer of such hits as “Tell It To My Heart” and “Love Will Lead You Back”. I have no idea why I decided to do so, but I did. This lie hit the rumor mill, and before I even knew what happened everyone had believed my lie. Let me interject and say that this is the way my memory serves, I am unsure if people really believed me or not, but it seemed like they did.

One day I was at school, it was near the end of the school year and the teachers were asking kids what they were doing for the summer. Everyone decided to mention the wedding I would be attending  with Taylor Dayne, and were curious as to the details. The teacher called me up in front of the classroom and told the class the lie. I was stuck standing there in front of my peers about to produce an even larger lie. I went on about how my uncle was the coolest and how I can’t wait to meet Taylor. I felt like a hero, a legend, and best of all I was popular! It was the first time in my life that I felt cool. I felt like I belonged. I loved every minute of it too.

One day after school had ended an older girl, Gina, whom I had kinda known asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes and we walked back to my house. I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to bring her to my home, filled with people who actually know the truth, but I did anyway. We walked into my house and hung out for a bit. Then my mom came in and started talking with us. The first thing the girl said to her was “So how exciting about your brother marrying Taylor Dayne!” At this moment, my heart dropped. I knew I was caught. If I could go back in time and watch, I bet my face would have been priceless. Sadly, my mom didn’t have my back, she laughed and said “What are you talking about? Melissa is lying to you.” I was crushed. I knew this would spread like wildfire and I would be ousted from my society of Catholic school kids. And it did. Everyone knew right away. I got a lot of phone calls and snarky looks whenever I saw those people. Luckily for me my family got extra broke and I had to switch schools. It was a godsend to not have to go back there and face those people.

Through the years after the “big lie” I still harbored embarrassment. I recall going to high school and hearing some kids from Catholic school were going to be there, and I was scared. Luckily nobody ever brought it up to me, until I was a grown adult. My cousin, Nikole,  had seen some of her friends from high school, (she went to Catholic high school) and they were all hanging out. One of the girls, Gina, had heard Nikole mention my name. Gina said to Nikole “Melissa Culbertson is your cousin? She’s that girl who said your uncle was marrying Taylor Dayne.” That brought all those feelings right back. I was mortified yet again, knowing that these people still remember and still judge me on this lie I told as a 4th grader.

So today marks the day that I am letting that go. I no longer am embarrassed or scared of the Taylor Dayne incident. I am proud of it! It made me an honest person who could never tell a lie, it would show in my body language anyway.

My visit to Griffith Park

Today I was out running errands with my cousin and my little dog, Sofia. Sofia has been suffering from heart problems over the past few months. Its been hard since we moved to Los Angeles from the redwoods mainly because of the temperature. She has always been affected by the heat, but Humboldt never got past 70 degrees, and if it did the trees provided much needed shade. Down here in LA that is not an option. LA is a desert, dry and hot, two things Sofia does not need. Last month I found out she has a slightly enlarged heart, a murmur and a lung issue. These issues have made it difficult for her to go outside and exercise.

So today we went out and were driving around and I found myself at Griffith Park. I have gone here once before in the dead of summer and it was sweltering hot. I just figured we could drive around and look for a shady area to chill out for a bit. I was pleasently surprised to find this cute little walk way with tons of trees and shading along side a small creek. Its funny because my cousin Steve just moved here from Philadelphia and had just mentioned how he misses creeks, and bam! there was one right next to us! We decided to stroll down this lovely walkway and see all the beautiful sites.

It really felt like we got transformed to a tropical paradise. I completely forgot that I was in Hollywood, and pretended to be in Maui, or even Jamaica. I later came home and looked up this magical place, and found out it was Ferndell Nature Museum. I love that I went an outside museum today.

I think I found my new solace.

Here is a great article from LAIst with pictures and all!

http://laist.com/2010/08/11/cool_walkings_fern_dell_in_griffith.php#photo-1

 

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