second hand news

my life is so weird and living where i am living right now isn’t working out well. i came home from work today to two dogs ive never seen barking their heads off at me. i am in quite a mood today so i aggravatedly scream “stop it” several times at these dogs. i was on the phone and had to hang up, then my stuff fell over in the mud…(oh the mud, ill get to that) and this girl appears out of nowhere all like hey, sorry. I have no idea who she is, and she says ive been waiting to meet you! Apparently my landlady took in another renter and this is her. This place is a mess. literal mess in every sense of the word. This is the second room mate she’s had since ive been here, and heard there were several before. i think i am the only one who can be any type of stable because i have a trailer. the trailer doesn’t have potable water, nor a sewage system, but hey its all me and nobody can come in here unless they are invited. its just that this place has been nothing but trouble since i got here.

my stepmom kicked me out in early october and gave me a month to move. no money saved, no job besides the one i have which had just been over, and no credit. she’s a huge fan of me, obviously. i just hate being here. i hate being in california right now. i hate being in my brain. i have everything i need, but i still am unhappy. i feel like i always am unhappy and striving for more. i know i need to stop and smell the roses (which i actually do do by the way) and enjoy this time, buts its hard and i am tired of traveling, moving and being unstable. i want to just know i am here until i dont want to, and no other reason besides that. thats on me, and that security only comes with owning property. i will get there some day.

sooo onto the mud. the mud is a serious issue that i am dealing with right now. if i leave my house i walk through a mud hell scape. my boots get sucked into the dark brown gross glossy mud. my car also is parked directly in mud. got stuck today actually. yup. mud. supposedly there will be more gravel by the end of the month. i won’t hold my breathe that it will actually do anything. i want to just run through a brick wall and scream so loud. so much rage inside wants to come out, but its just towards me. i am here because of me. i am here because i dont want to work hard, and deal with people and myself. i am so over that.

thanks for listening to me. if anyone is.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

r-e-l-e-a-s-e-d

the movement of the black round in circles

defies the thoughts that existed in the void

learning and growing into state of the art mind frames

will forever be

there. 

 

2.

breathe deep

heavy thoughts followed by heavy breathes

encounters so finite into the subconscious realm

of understanding the scope of intensity

that will no longer thrive on the plane

of living and sharing under the umbrella of one day. 

 

3.

Unplugged. drained. emptied. 

cleansed. washed. laundered. 

empty. 

 

4. 

chance encounters to help create joy

now available to you forever

no holds bared, no cage, no wonder

grateful for the release. 

 

 

 

From Philly to Cali, Cali to Philly...

Tonight I was driving through Hollywood and my iPhone was cruising through shuffle. I chilled through a few old songs; Neil Young’s ‘Harvest’, The Faint’s ‘Agenda Suicide’ and then outta nowhere Freeway’s ‘All My Life’ came on. I got excited, turned my stereo all the way up and drove through Hollywood rapping Freeway. I felt like I was 23 again driving around Philly with my girlfriends smoking blunts and just loving life.

This got me thinking about growing up and how odd it really is. I am 33 years old, ten years have passed since I was that girl in Philly, but somehow I still feel like her at times. I now really cherish those moments when the young version of myself pops her head out and has fun for a few minutes, or even an evening. When you get older things change. When you used to be able to go out at 11 and dance your ass off, drink an overwhelming amount of alcohol,  smoke blunts, then go to work the next day. I could never image doing so, nor would I want to, but that girl is there, somewhere.

What I’m getting at is that no matter how much we change, we still are us. Those little quirks still exist and sometimes we just need to let them out, just be a kid again. Kids just live presently. They just deal with life as it comes to them. There is no thinking about bills, or jobs, or family, its about now. The most I ever cared about was; where we all my friends were meeting and what time. Anything else was just a bonus.

I appreciate the wisdom and many valuable lessons I’ve learned over the years, but fuck it. Sometimes you just gotta turn the radio up and rap like a white girl.

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