its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.

Three little gems found in the rubble.

I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago while in Portland, Oregon. They really capture how I was feeling. One so hopeful and one so hopeless. Quite the dichotomy. Its exactly how I felt. Torn between happiness and despair. That is all over now. Now its time to sift through the rubble and see what gems I can find to help me on my current journey.

PAL BLU

The faint blue light of the sun rising to greet us with a new day drapes my room in my emotion. How can the sun project exactly what I’m feeling yet be so inspiring?

I need a hug.

I need a tree to wrap its branches around me and release this mess that swirls around my head like a whirlpool.
I miss you.
Will you ever come back to me?
Will my words be taken how I mean them?
Do you still want me?
The dawn of a new day does not bring these answers but it does kill yesterday’s fears.
GRAVEYARD DAYDREAMS
She lived amongst the dead

She loved amongst the dead.
She ran with the ghosts
They taught her about life and how to live
Do not waste a minute
They all wish they could be her
You are their hero
The queen rides again
The locomotive won’t stop anytime soon so enjoy it
Live live live!
Love love love
Move move move
amongst the dead
Learn from their perfection,
their failure
and
ultimate end.
GIRL
Grow roots in yourself and let your soul blossom is all you can do now.
go do it girl
step to it girl
let it go girl
live it up girl
respect the girl
release it all girl

Hai-clue

Too much money makes
Not enough purpose in life
To see the small things

Over consumption leads
to poisoning the light in
Everyone but you

When all you have to do
Is open your eyes to see
It was there forever

r-e-l-e-a-s-e-d

the movement of the black round in circles

defies the thoughts that existed in the void

learning and growing into state of the art mind frames

will forever be

there. 

 

2.

breathe deep

heavy thoughts followed by heavy breathes

encounters so finite into the subconscious realm

of understanding the scope of intensity

that will no longer thrive on the plane

of living and sharing under the umbrella of one day. 

 

3.

Unplugged. drained. emptied. 

cleansed. washed. laundered. 

empty. 

 

4. 

chance encounters to help create joy

now available to you forever

no holds bared, no cage, no wonder

grateful for the release. 

 

 

 

Life is Fleeting..

Yesterday I saw a butterfly and was reminded of a sentence someone once said “butterflies are there to remind you that life is fleeting” The idea that the butterfly goes through so many transformations from caterpillar to cocoon then is only alive for a short amount of time is mind blowing. It also reminds me of our lives as humans. We go through so many changes and a good amount of different transformations, that we are like the butterflies. The difference is that we don’t always die right away and they do. But we could. Life is precious and short and its time to remember that fact and remember how lucky we are. I know I know this isn’t a new concept by any means, but it has really been sitting with me lately. 

I go through phases of ups and downs and realizations and reminders, then life happens and I easily forget how far up I’ve been in happiness, and get swallowed by stress and daily activities. I forget to take the time to meditate and be with myself and sort things out. I spiral down a zone until one day I wake up and remember and everything feels great again. Right now I am in a phase of re-finding my balance and its hard this time to find my way back. This upsets me so much. My mind knows all of these things, but my body isn’t following along. My mind feels clear and happy, but everything else doesn’t.

Why am I writing this for the world to read? Why am I sharing my problems on my blog? Well to remind myself and you too that things will be okay again. That we need to just take the time to do our things that make us happy day by day and soon enough we will be whole again. Life is filled with ebbs and flows and shit happens, but we always can go back to our happy place. 

Next time you see a butterfly, let them remind you of this too. Life is easy as long as you know how to ride the waves…

Image

Total eclipse of the heart..

Someone told me today to set an intention while watching the sun be eclipsed, and it really got me thinking about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think about myself and ways to improve myself all the time, but when its thrown in your face like that, its quite different. It made me ponder, what are my intentions? I feel like this topic is always on my mind, but to actually write a list and sit down with myself if quite different. It really made me think long and hard about intention itself.

The dictionary defines intention as” an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.” So I set out to do just that. My list consists of the usuals; working out, eating better, mediation, making money, etc etc. I decided to think deeper into it and my cousin said it best “don’t be scared of your true potential”. Fuck did that sit with me. I realized that I have all these thoughts and ideas, but I am scared. I am scared of where I will go, and what I will do, because its all so different than anything I have experienced as of yet. I imagine myself on the top of a mountain with a glider on my back and I keep running towards the edge, and then quickly backing up and thinking it over again. Then I get annoyed with myself and decide to just jump, then run and do the same thing. I am awaiting the day when I just take the leap. I have no idea what is keeping me from flying, but I am determined to break free and fly.

Lets fly.

 

Pieces of wisdom…

“When we are kinder and gentler to ourselves, we can be kinder and gentler to everyone else” -Brene Brown

I just watched a video my friend Mandy posted on Facebook. I wasn’t sure what it was about but I know Mandy is a very in tune, educated, wise woman, so I decided to check it out. At first it just seemed like some sort of retreat speech that was posted online. A woman in her 40s talking about research she found out. This type of stuff usually bores me to death. But I made myself keep watching to see what I could learn about. 

As I kept watching I realized she was speaking right to me. Stuff that I have been thinking about lately and issues that we all have. Topics of vulnerabiltiy, connection, fear, blame, love.  I don’t know much about Brene Brown, but she told me and the audience that she researches these types of topics. She digs deep into human emotion and connection and trys to figure it out. Her speech I watched showed how you can’t really figure it out, except within yourself. She realized that people aren’t themselves and let fears about their shortcomings run their lives. This is what spoke to me loud and clear. 

For years I have always questioned myself and second guessed everything I have done and do. Is this right? Is this going to lead me to the wrong people or places? Did I read that right? I don’t want to say that out loud in case its wrong. This has been my life. Recently as I watched the sun fall under the ocean in Northern California I realized its not about any of that shit anymore. Its about just saying and doing something, and if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Then you learn and don’t do it again. But I have let the fear of being wrong stop me from so much. I mean even this blog sometimes as I am writing I feel like “is this even good enough for anyone to read?” Then I see a few likes on my page and I feel a sense of relief. But why should that be what makes my thoughts validated? Why should the judgements from strangers or even friends control what I produce and share? The answer is I shouldn’t. I am good enough. I am worthy of anything I try to do, or who I try to love. If I do not get back what I put out, so what? Who cares? Its life. Life is continuously going to disappoint us if we let it. 

So don’t let it. 

 

Here is a link to the video I was discussing. Id love to hear your thoughts on this topic, or even the video. Id love some comments on here. I understand if not, but it would be cool to open the flood gates and talk about real shit with people. 

Is this a dream?

I cant believe that I actually live in Hollywood. Its weird because its been something I have been planning for so long, but it never felt real until now. I finally packed up the rest of my stuff from Humboldt and brought it to my new house. After I got in last night, I unpacked a bit and made the place feel a bit more homey. Today my cousins and I went to Malibu today to go chill out and enjoy the sun. Its been like 80 degrees down here! Wild! 100 percent the opposite of Humboldt during January. I couldnt be more pleased. I am gonna add some new pics I took while I was out and about. Hope you enjoy them!

Malibu Sunset
It wasnt the best sunset, but it was mighty pretty....

 

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