And the daffodils look lovely today…

I just heard the news of Dolores O’Riordan passing away. When I was in high school and first heard linger, I knew it was special. I remember saying to my friends, who at the time all listened to hip hop, this band is going to be huge. They laughed at me, but I was right. She was special. I did not know at the time that I suffered with bipolar disorder, or that she did. I had tickets to go see The Cranberries play, but the tour had gotten cancelled. I was so upset. The one song that always stood out to me was Daffodil Lament. I loved how it went from down to up, it always felt optimistic. It is, but its also bipolar. So low, so lonely, to things looking lovely and happy back into quiet chillin buddhist type of singing. So quickly our feelings change, like the song. It actually made me feel more connected to her and her music.

I’ve been having a hard time these past few days. I feel like I am in the middle of big changes and I keep standing still. I want to go with them, but I dont know how. What is my next step, my next move? Do I even know? Does anyone care? I feel like I am such a mess. I messed everything up, I lost it all. Its that part of the movie, where I need to step up and change. how? Maybe I need to just listen to the cranberries and cry.

m.

 

loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

Total eclipse of the heart..

Someone told me today to set an intention while watching the sun be eclipsed, and it really got me thinking about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think about myself and ways to improve myself all the time, but when its thrown in your face like that, its quite different. It made me ponder, what are my intentions? I feel like this topic is always on my mind, but to actually write a list and sit down with myself if quite different. It really made me think long and hard about intention itself.

The dictionary defines intention as” an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.” So I set out to do just that. My list consists of the usuals; working out, eating better, mediation, making money, etc etc. I decided to think deeper into it and my cousin said it best “don’t be scared of your true potential”. Fuck did that sit with me. I realized that I have all these thoughts and ideas, but I am scared. I am scared of where I will go, and what I will do, because its all so different than anything I have experienced as of yet. I imagine myself on the top of a mountain with a glider on my back and I keep running towards the edge, and then quickly backing up and thinking it over again. Then I get annoyed with myself and decide to just jump, then run and do the same thing. I am awaiting the day when I just take the leap. I have no idea what is keeping me from flying, but I am determined to break free and fly.

Lets fly.

 

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