loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

Three little gems found in the rubble.

I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago while in Portland, Oregon. They really capture how I was feeling. One so hopeful and one so hopeless. Quite the dichotomy. Its exactly how I felt. Torn between happiness and despair. That is all over now. Now its time to sift through the rubble and see what gems I can find to help me on my current journey.

PAL BLU

The faint blue light of the sun rising to greet us with a new day drapes my room in my emotion. How can the sun project exactly what I’m feeling yet be so inspiring?

I need a hug.

I need a tree to wrap its branches around me and release this mess that swirls around my head like a whirlpool.
I miss you.
Will you ever come back to me?
Will my words be taken how I mean them?
Do you still want me?
The dawn of a new day does not bring these answers but it does kill yesterday’s fears.
GRAVEYARD DAYDREAMS
She lived amongst the dead

She loved amongst the dead.
She ran with the ghosts
They taught her about life and how to live
Do not waste a minute
They all wish they could be her
You are their hero
The queen rides again
The locomotive won’t stop anytime soon so enjoy it
Live live live!
Love love love
Move move move
amongst the dead
Learn from their perfection,
their failure
and
ultimate end.
GIRL
Grow roots in yourself and let your soul blossom is all you can do now.
go do it girl
step to it girl
let it go girl
live it up girl
respect the girl
release it all girl

I have been thinking a lot lately about purpose, more specifically my life’s purpose. It came to me in a meditation the other day that its time to fill the gap in my energy which is my purpose in life. I of course asked what is it? It was then told to me to be patient and it will come if I keep doing the work. The problem is how am I to know what it means to be doing the work? I assume it means keep doing the things I am doing, but what if its not enough? What if I am meant to be doing something more and I don’t know? I feel a bit dazed and lost when it comes to this subject. I’ve spent days recently researching life’s purpose. Watching TED talks, googling it, reading blogs. Still none of it resinates in me deeply enough to affect me.

Why am I asking you? Because maybe you have help for me. Maybe something you will say will help me get a better look at myself and my dreams. I think of dreams and what are dreams and what are mine? I would say being a homemaker and having a wonderful garden doing yoga and cooking. That is a dream of mine. I have no doubt I will have that dream one day, but its not a purpose. Thats just life. I need to do something fulfilling with myself that makes the world a little bit better. I need to help people, and connect and connect others to themselves. Hm maybe I just found. Connecting others to themselves. So how do I do that? I could be a yoga teacher and help connect them to their body. I could become a therapist and connect them to their past and help them let go. I could become a life coach and help them connect to the present. But for some reason none of these things sound right to me, and I wish I knew why. Its almost like I need to create a program from thin air, from my mind to help others. The problem is getting anyone to pay me for it. With no education on the subject besides my own personal school of hard knocks.

How do I spread my love and positivity with the world?

This is my question. Help me please.

A slice of a girls life…

Last night I watched the recent episode of HBO’s GIRLS and I am going to say it was the best episode yet. I have followed the show since the beginning and have always enjoyed watching Hannah and crew frolic around NYC. The show really speaks to 20 something girls, and being a 30 something I can safely say its on point! 

The show usually shows multi character plots and subplots, but last nights episode was quite the opposite. (Okay okay, Ray was in it for 3 minutes) The episode centered around Hannah and this hunky dude who she semi met at the coffee shop. He showed up all mad, left pissed off and Hannah went right up to him and knocked on the door. The two of them proceeded to have a discussion that quickly and abruptly turned into sex. 

I loved this because it was so true to life. How many times have people met and had a few days of sex locked up in a house? You enter this little bubble together where time and nothing else exists besides sleeping, eating and fucking. Its magic. 

In the episode things got real, real quick. Hannah realized she wanted happiness and kinda let it all hang out for her new friend to see. He obviously did not like that, being as though he was about 20 years older than her and was just enjoying himself. The most awesome part is that is what happens! You do something like that and it changes you. It awakens something inside you. It either can show you how much you want love and a partner or it shows you how much you do NOT want those things. Either way its a win-win situation of realization and change. 

What am I getting at here? Well I am not sure really, besides wanting to share my thoughts about a piece of television artistry. It just was so true to life, and that is quite rare on television these days. All the reality tv shows are meant to be real, but really are scripted and pieces of shit. Where as this show speaks to a generation that no other show is doing right now. So go watch it. See if you agree with me. 

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Just a little patience…

I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.

Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do  anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.

I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.

More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.

I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.

Life is Fleeting..

Yesterday I saw a butterfly and was reminded of a sentence someone once said “butterflies are there to remind you that life is fleeting” The idea that the butterfly goes through so many transformations from caterpillar to cocoon then is only alive for a short amount of time is mind blowing. It also reminds me of our lives as humans. We go through so many changes and a good amount of different transformations, that we are like the butterflies. The difference is that we don’t always die right away and they do. But we could. Life is precious and short and its time to remember that fact and remember how lucky we are. I know I know this isn’t a new concept by any means, but it has really been sitting with me lately. 

I go through phases of ups and downs and realizations and reminders, then life happens and I easily forget how far up I’ve been in happiness, and get swallowed by stress and daily activities. I forget to take the time to meditate and be with myself and sort things out. I spiral down a zone until one day I wake up and remember and everything feels great again. Right now I am in a phase of re-finding my balance and its hard this time to find my way back. This upsets me so much. My mind knows all of these things, but my body isn’t following along. My mind feels clear and happy, but everything else doesn’t.

Why am I writing this for the world to read? Why am I sharing my problems on my blog? Well to remind myself and you too that things will be okay again. That we need to just take the time to do our things that make us happy day by day and soon enough we will be whole again. Life is filled with ebbs and flows and shit happens, but we always can go back to our happy place. 

Next time you see a butterfly, let them remind you of this too. Life is easy as long as you know how to ride the waves…

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From Philly to Cali, Cali to Philly...

Tonight I was driving through Hollywood and my iPhone was cruising through shuffle. I chilled through a few old songs; Neil Young’s ‘Harvest’, The Faint’s ‘Agenda Suicide’ and then outta nowhere Freeway’s ‘All My Life’ came on. I got excited, turned my stereo all the way up and drove through Hollywood rapping Freeway. I felt like I was 23 again driving around Philly with my girlfriends smoking blunts and just loving life.

This got me thinking about growing up and how odd it really is. I am 33 years old, ten years have passed since I was that girl in Philly, but somehow I still feel like her at times. I now really cherish those moments when the young version of myself pops her head out and has fun for a few minutes, or even an evening. When you get older things change. When you used to be able to go out at 11 and dance your ass off, drink an overwhelming amount of alcohol,  smoke blunts, then go to work the next day. I could never image doing so, nor would I want to, but that girl is there, somewhere.

What I’m getting at is that no matter how much we change, we still are us. Those little quirks still exist and sometimes we just need to let them out, just be a kid again. Kids just live presently. They just deal with life as it comes to them. There is no thinking about bills, or jobs, or family, its about now. The most I ever cared about was; where we all my friends were meeting and what time. Anything else was just a bonus.

I appreciate the wisdom and many valuable lessons I’ve learned over the years, but fuck it. Sometimes you just gotta turn the radio up and rap like a white girl.

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