its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.

loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

Truth be told…

Today I was watching TV and a character had said “I can’t lie, you can see it in my body language” That sentence could be me saying it. This reminded me of a story from when I was in 4th grade. A huge lie, that lead to me becoming extremely honest through out the rest of my life. I am going to share this story with you. One to get it off my chest and two because its hilarious. I have always been extremely embarrassed about this story, so I thought why not share it with the world of blog readers and set myself free right?

I grew up in a very Catholic, Italian/Irish family in a suburb of Philadelphia. We were forced to go to church every Sunday as well as go to Catholic school. My family was pretty poor, so I only attended up until 4th grade. In Fourth grade I wasn’t cool, popular, smart, funny or any of those things. I was pretty reserved and a loner (or so I think so). I for some reason decide to concoct a lie to one of my friends that spread like wild fire through out the entire school. The lie was this; My uncle was marrying Taylor Dayne. Yes that Taylor Dayne the 80’s pop singer of such hits as “Tell It To My Heart” and “Love Will Lead You Back”. I have no idea why I decided to do so, but I did. This lie hit the rumor mill, and before I even knew what happened everyone had believed my lie. Let me interject and say that this is the way my memory serves, I am unsure if people really believed me or not, but it seemed like they did.

One day I was at school, it was near the end of the school year and the teachers were asking kids what they were doing for the summer. Everyone decided to mention the wedding I would be attending  with Taylor Dayne, and were curious as to the details. The teacher called me up in front of the classroom and told the class the lie. I was stuck standing there in front of my peers about to produce an even larger lie. I went on about how my uncle was the coolest and how I can’t wait to meet Taylor. I felt like a hero, a legend, and best of all I was popular! It was the first time in my life that I felt cool. I felt like I belonged. I loved every minute of it too.

One day after school had ended an older girl, Gina, whom I had kinda known asked if I wanted to hang out. Of course I said yes and we walked back to my house. I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to bring her to my home, filled with people who actually know the truth, but I did anyway. We walked into my house and hung out for a bit. Then my mom came in and started talking with us. The first thing the girl said to her was “So how exciting about your brother marrying Taylor Dayne!” At this moment, my heart dropped. I knew I was caught. If I could go back in time and watch, I bet my face would have been priceless. Sadly, my mom didn’t have my back, she laughed and said “What are you talking about? Melissa is lying to you.” I was crushed. I knew this would spread like wildfire and I would be ousted from my society of Catholic school kids. And it did. Everyone knew right away. I got a lot of phone calls and snarky looks whenever I saw those people. Luckily for me my family got extra broke and I had to switch schools. It was a godsend to not have to go back there and face those people.

Through the years after the “big lie” I still harbored embarrassment. I recall going to high school and hearing some kids from Catholic school were going to be there, and I was scared. Luckily nobody ever brought it up to me, until I was a grown adult. My cousin, Nikole,  had seen some of her friends from high school, (she went to Catholic high school) and they were all hanging out. One of the girls, Gina, had heard Nikole mention my name. Gina said to Nikole “Melissa Culbertson is your cousin? She’s that girl who said your uncle was marrying Taylor Dayne.” That brought all those feelings right back. I was mortified yet again, knowing that these people still remember and still judge me on this lie I told as a 4th grader.

So today marks the day that I am letting that go. I no longer am embarrassed or scared of the Taylor Dayne incident. I am proud of it! It made me an honest person who could never tell a lie, it would show in my body language anyway.

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