Today was the second day I chanted in my life. Today was different than the first day for sure. I knew what I was in for, I knew the routine, the sound, the words, the vibes. Today wasn’t a ceremony, today was strictly chant. It was an open house from 10-Noon to come and go as you please and chant. People kept coming in and I sat there. I got really into it for a moment in time. I felt myself float away and have a deep meditative experience. I learned something new, and then woke up. It was 10:23. I had only chanted for 23 minutes? I was kinda disappointed in myself for only spending 23 minutes , but then I reminded myself that this wasn’t a race. This was for me to look inside myself and listen. And thats exactly what happened. Who cares why I got pulled out of it, or that I couldn’t go back. The point is that I went there, and felt something and gained wisdom.
“When we are kinder and gentler to ourselves, we can be kinder and gentler to everyone else” -Brene Brown
I just watched a video my friend Mandy posted on Facebook. I wasn’t sure what it was about but I know Mandy is a very in tune, educated, wise woman, so I decided to check it out. At first it just seemed like some sort of retreat speech that was posted online. A woman in her 40s talking about research she found out. This type of stuff usually bores me to death. But I made myself keep watching to see what I could learn about.
As I kept watching I realized she was speaking right to me. Stuff that I have been thinking about lately and issues that we all have. Topics of vulnerabiltiy, connection, fear, blame, love. I don’t know much about Brene Brown, but she told me and the audience that she researches these types of topics. She digs deep into human emotion and connection and trys to figure it out. Her speech I watched showed how you can’t really figure it out, except within yourself. She realized that people aren’t themselves and let fears about their shortcomings run their lives. This is what spoke to me loud and clear.
For years I have always questioned myself and second guessed everything I have done and do. Is this right? Is this going to lead me to the wrong people or places? Did I read that right? I don’t want to say that out loud in case its wrong. This has been my life. Recently as I watched the sun fall under the ocean in Northern California I realized its not about any of that shit anymore. Its about just saying and doing something, and if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Then you learn and don’t do it again. But I have let the fear of being wrong stop me from so much. I mean even this blog sometimes as I am writing I feel like “is this even good enough for anyone to read?” Then I see a few likes on my page and I feel a sense of relief. But why should that be what makes my thoughts validated? Why should the judgements from strangers or even friends control what I produce and share? The answer is I shouldn’t. I am good enough. I am worthy of anything I try to do, or who I try to love. If I do not get back what I put out, so what? Who cares? Its life. Life is continuously going to disappoint us if we let it.
So don’t let it.
Here is a link to the video I was discussing. Id love to hear your thoughts on this topic, or even the video. Id love some comments on here. I understand if not, but it would be cool to open the flood gates and talk about real shit with people.
I fumble through my boxes searching for it endlessly
I feel its the only thing I can do
To be connected to you
You are hidden deep in the depths of darkness
I must discover you, I must save you
You hold visions and dreams that no longer exist
So why am I so determined to not be dismissed?
When I moved into my new apartment in Hollywood I met my new neighbors H & K. They were two girls, one H who is around the same age as me, the other the age of my roommate. I was delighted by the fact that I had cool girls living next door and hoping that one day we would all get to hang out and I would have a new friend in LA.
After talking with H for a while, I learned she was a practicing Buddhist. She told me of how her “church” gets together and chants. Automatically I felt excited about that. I always had the feeling that I should be chanting, but never really knew how to start. I have started chatting OM but I knew there was something more. So yesterday I was chatting with H and she told me she was joining her other friend to chant today, and I was invited if I wanted. I accepted the offer and got excited about my new awakening to be had.
This morning I woke up peppy and ready to go chant with my new friends. We walked into this woman’s house in Beachwood Canyon and chatted a bit about their religion. I never really thought of mediation or chanting as religious, even though it is. I was raised Catholic and that was always too religious for me, so I guess Ive trained myself to think this is different; its not.
This religion is religious. They read from a bible, they have priests, they have a leader (they call president) and they pray to pictures. Its very interesting to me on how people can argue and have so much hate over religion, when its all the same shit. But thats for a different day…
So I got this book to read out of called The Lotus Sutra. It had a bunch of words and symbols Ive never seen before. We chanted together for 5 minutes, and I tried to sing along, but couldn’t keep up with their brisk and practiced pace. So I decided to listen and be present and just meditate with them. They stopped after about 5 minutes, and went on to read from the book. Afterwards they went back and started chanting again. This time I could follow along and actually felt the benefits immediately. I could feel the vibration of my voice as well as theirs. It was as if we all became one together. Our tones matched as well as using singing bowls. I loved how much I felt connected at that moment. I even kept going longer than the two girls, and was asked to stop. I was lost in the music and energy flow.
I went back home and decided to read a yoga magazine and keep myself in that vibration, but grew very tired all of a sudden. I couldn’t stay awake and fell back asleep for 2 hours and could barely pull myself together to wake up. It was as if I was under a spell or something. I finally snapped out of it, and felt like myself again.
Overall I do feel the benefits of chanting through out today and really enjoy this feeling. I was invited to go back on Friday when there is a larger group and chant for 2 hours. I am going to go check it out, and will report back to you, my reader.
I decided that I wanted to start writing poems more often. I usually find some sort of block when I try to do this, so I found a way to mend that problem. Lyrics.
All my life music has been very important to me. I know song lyrics, I know albums, cover art, etc. So I am going to take song titles and then write a poem afterwards. I am picking the titles either from a song that hit me sometime that day, or if no song has grabbed my attention, I will refer to shuffle on iTunes. If you have any ideas or songs you would like me to use, I will.
Todays poem is based off Down By The Seaside by Led Zeppelin.
Down by the seaside I saw my baby
He was walking on top of the water coming towards me
I was trying my hardest to get to him, but he seemed out of reach
As I closed my eyelids there he was again, deep inside my mind.
My eyes opened again to see him standing in front of me
I yet could not touch him.
He was unreachable. There was a block between us.
Inside my mind holds the key, I just need to find it.
Thank you for your everlasting kindness
Those small things you did always stood out
You were top notch in a sea of bottom dwellers
Everyday that ended when we were together
I could say
Baby, you make me better.