Sally sells secrets by the seashore

Its always been so interesting to me to see when there is a blog post or article written about some unknown journal or scribble that someone who is famous in the artistic world did. Like when you find out someone had Kurt Vonneguts hidden notebook everyone goes apeshit over it. Don’t get me wrong I understand why they do, its the secret look into someones life. You get to see how they wasted a few minutes doodling around, or maybe their deepest secret thoughts. Now this brought up an interesting ideas to me, one being that should we all keep all this weird shit so that one day someone can find it and sell it to our fans? Also being that if there were secret journals that they were secret for a reason. We all have our secrets and our dark thoughts, or even just silly thoughts, either way they are ours. 

Secrets are notoriously known for being bad or unwanted, but yet every single person has them and its healthy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that secrets that matter are good, just those little secret thoughts, or silly thing we did the other day that nobody knows about. It keeps us, us. We should always have relationships with ourselves as well as other people, but the one with ourself is the most important. We keep ourself in check. We know the truth, we make the decisions. These secrets keep us individuals. 

Back to the old House

Ripped, tattered, shattered

the house sits upon the hill 

dropped, popped, and locked

the grass dies slowly under foot

stoop, coop and poop

covers the driveway,

who lives here anyway? 

 

 

The dark old home that once had so much love and joy is now covered in death and destruction. Darkness looms over the early century built home on the hill. It sits there staring at everyone, looming quietly over the town. What is it trying to tell us? Is there a purpose to this grey toned home? It leaves a vibration of sadness. The house feels the loss of the family who once lived inside its walls, wondering where they went. It sheltered them through many storms, inside and out. It is now alone. Nobody to protect, care for, cover. That poor house, I hope someone restores it and gives it its energy back. 

 

Just a little patience…

I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.

Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do  anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.

I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.

More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.

I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.

r-e-l-e-a-s-e-d

the movement of the black round in circles

defies the thoughts that existed in the void

learning and growing into state of the art mind frames

will forever be

there. 

 

2.

breathe deep

heavy thoughts followed by heavy breathes

encounters so finite into the subconscious realm

of understanding the scope of intensity

that will no longer thrive on the plane

of living and sharing under the umbrella of one day. 

 

3.

Unplugged. drained. emptied. 

cleansed. washed. laundered. 

empty. 

 

4. 

chance encounters to help create joy

now available to you forever

no holds bared, no cage, no wonder

grateful for the release. 

 

 

 

Slightly off, yet on

Tonight there is a feeling of release, of freedom. Usually this feeling would be welcoming, but in this situation it feels slightly off. Here are some thoughts based on those emotions.

1.

the cool air ascends the clouds

its finally present

you’ve been looking for some time now

an executed cycle has finally come for you.

2.

dont be down said the clown

stare into my cells of my frown

the eyes hold all the mysteries to life

but they also hold some strife

ride the wave of consciousness

it holds much happiness

bottle up and explode, you are free.

3.

shooting upward toward the ceiling

the magical empowerment loses the feeling

words thrown faster than lightening

to face lamentation in the mirror of love, life and death

may be exactly what we all feared.

4.

glances across a room

smiles granted for comfort

released into the universe

to boomerang back into your soul

in a sea of booze, smoke and mirrors.

5.

To run away would be too easy

you are free

free as a bird that flys high

high enough to soar into the sea of golden light

swim upward to the entrance

that is where you will find what you are looking for

dance with the others

solid, green, empty, over flowing, populated, desolate

its up to you.