second hand news

my life is so weird and living where i am living right now isn’t working out well. i came home from work today to two dogs ive never seen barking their heads off at me. i am in quite a mood today so i aggravatedly scream “stop it” several times at these dogs. i was on the phone and had to hang up, then my stuff fell over in the mud…(oh the mud, ill get to that) and this girl appears out of nowhere all like hey, sorry. I have no idea who she is, and she says ive been waiting to meet you! Apparently my landlady took in another renter and this is her. This place is a mess. literal mess in every sense of the word. This is the second room mate she’s had since ive been here, and heard there were several before. i think i am the only one who can be any type of stable because i have a trailer. the trailer doesn’t have potable water, nor a sewage system, but hey its all me and nobody can come in here unless they are invited. its just that this place has been nothing but trouble since i got here.

my stepmom kicked me out in early october and gave me a month to move. no money saved, no job besides the one i have which had just been over, and no credit. she’s a huge fan of me, obviously. i just hate being here. i hate being in california right now. i hate being in my brain. i have everything i need, but i still am unhappy. i feel like i always am unhappy and striving for more. i know i need to stop and smell the roses (which i actually do do by the way) and enjoy this time, buts its hard and i am tired of traveling, moving and being unstable. i want to just know i am here until i dont want to, and no other reason besides that. thats on me, and that security only comes with owning property. i will get there some day.

sooo onto the mud. the mud is a serious issue that i am dealing with right now. if i leave my house i walk through a mud hell scape. my boots get sucked into the dark brown gross glossy mud. my car also is parked directly in mud. got stuck today actually. yup. mud. supposedly there will be more gravel by the end of the month. i won’t hold my breathe that it will actually do anything. i want to just run through a brick wall and scream so loud. so much rage inside wants to come out, but its just towards me. i am here because of me. i am here because i dont want to work hard, and deal with people and myself. i am so over that.

thanks for listening to me. if anyone is.

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