Shadoboxer

I am in mania, HARD. Its so fucking intense man. I never knew I had this illness, and i didn’t even believe it until yesterday. I mean the evidence was there, but there was still a part of me that felt like I maybe was being misunderstood and some doctor would come out of nowhere and let me know that its all been a misunderstanding and that I didn’t have a serious mental illness. That I was going to be okay if I just started to do this, or stopped doing that…Never would have to worry again. I would come out triumphantly and everyone who left me alone during this time would come back and be happy and we would all be a family again. Then yesterday happened.

Five days ago (Saturday 5/12) I completely lost my mind on the only person that talks to me daily and knows of my daily musings. I had woken up and had had enough. I still somehow got through the day and even went to a friends house for dinner. Its comes in waves. I can be completely there and normal and feeling fine, happy even, then a minute later crying so hard and feeling so much. Music brings the tears on FAST. Right now I am listening to Fiona Apple crying my eyes out, but ten minutes ago I was listening to Semi-Charmed Kinda Life dancing and cracking up. My emotions make me a rag doll and a rabid dog mixed together into one manic Melissa.

On the other side of the coin, I am feeling everything from everyone and even the world around me. I can cry thinking about drug addicts sitting on the corner. I was sobbing thinking of how misunderstood they are to themselves and their families, and if just if someone could go wake them all up to this, it would magically be solved. Crying desperately over why this cant happen and how sad the world is because of it. I am getting so much work done, I am constantly thinking of how to make work more efficient and easier for everyone. I am coming up with lots of ideas to write, draw, photograph, etc. I just still have zero patience to do any of it. I need to figure out how to harness this power I have inside me.

Yes, Power. Bi-polar can be a powerful tool if you know how to wield it properly. It is a delicate mix of exercise, artistic freedom, slowing down practices like Yoga and Tai Chi, a healthy  balanced diet as well as knowing your food allergies, journaling, therapy and patience with yourself.

I hear music different, I can feel exactly what the artist is trying to convey. I can see the journey the music is going on if i pay close enough attention. When talking to people I can see through their bullshit and its frustrating. When alone I want to numb it all because its too fucking much, so I smoke marijuana. I abuse the fuck out of that plant, and strictly on accident. I don’t know how to dose myself properly.  I only know how to just keep getting it every time I want it.

I recognize I have this and marijuana makes it better sometimes and can bring me back into my body and sometimes it can be worse and make me lose my mind.