I am starting to think I am maybe more scared than I let on. I think maybe I am holding myself back in so many ways and I do not even know how to stop doing it. I feel so much creativity inside me wanting to come out, but yet I still dont do anything to let it free. I dont know how. I am being dead serious. I sit and watch all these other people getting on with their lives and creating something for themselves, and here I am sitting around watching tv or sleeping. I am sober which I always thought was my problem. “when I quit weed it will all happen” well i quit weed and nothings happened. the most I do that is worth anything is floss and brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face. I remember when that was a big one for me. Now I do that and I feel better, but what is that going to get me? health teeth and less wrinkles? cool.
how do i create anything? my paintings are shit and usually just some jumbled subtle type of art therapy for myself. which i guess art is for most people, therapeutic. i feel like i am not good at anything, even thought i know i am good at some stuff. i am a great organizer and thinker. i have lots of ideas and i am an efficient person who can see through problems and find the answers. but what is that going to get me? how do i become successful? serving food? not a fucking chance. that might get my bills paid but i am certain i will feel like i am in the rat race and hate it at some point. i need to create. i need help. who can i even ask for help? what is the help i need?
i pray these answers come to me.
its the new moon! my chance to change! now i just need an instruction manual.