Truth.

Today I pulled the honesty card and I was kinda confused on why i pulled it, until I talked to my sisters boyfriend. I would normally say he doesn’t know me so well, but it seems he knows me better than I thought. He told me he knows he can always count on me to be honest about whats going on and to always cough up what I have done first and admit it. This made me proud of myself. I am someone who admits my wrong doings immediately, even when I don’t want to, I still do. Its like my body cant let it go until I tell the truth. The other day I was kind of an asshole to my cousin and it was my shit that I reacted to, and she told me not to sass her, and I stupidly said, well don’t you sass me, which she wasn’t. I wrestled with that sentence for about a half hour after it happened and decided I needed to swallow my pride and say I am sorry. I was wrong. I knew I was, but I did not want to say sorry. I wanted to let it go, but I knew that wasn’t correct either. I did say sorry as soon as I saw her and she blew it off and said she didn’t even think of it, but I felt better. I said I want to be better than just allowing a bad mood or word to come out of my mouth. I want to be better than most people. I am starting to realize I am pretty on top of it. I judge myself because I don’t formally meditate or do yoga, or speak like a new age goddess, but I am one. I am aware and I am honest and I am proud of myself.

My friend who’s much younger than me called me the other day and told me her problems and said she really kept thinking of me and what I would do in her situation and it helped her. She told me she thought about how I don’t let anyone stay around me that isn’t good for me and how I always look out for whats best for myself in a loving way. I was taken a back. What a compliment. She had also told me she wanted to talk to me because she knew I would be there for her. I am so happy that I am a positive influence  on people around me.

 

On another note I really miss my ex. He and I had a terrible romantic relationship, but lovely friendship. As I was talking to my sisters boyfriend I realized how much he helped me stop being an entitled, clueless person floating around the world expecting everything to just happen without putting any effort into life. He saved my life. If youre reading this Cheemie, Thank you. I truly appreciate you and credit you to helping save my life. I am sorry we arent talking right now. I need the space to heal from the bad stuff, but I think of you everyday. I am sure you feel the same way. Lots to process. I love you and appreciate you.

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