Can we still be friends?

NO.

That is what I am realizing so much these days. No I cant be fiends with you if you’re married, or in a relationship or if we dated. I never really thought about how weird it was until recently. Men and women can not be friends. I used to argue this point so much  with men and say it is possible, but I am conceding it is true, no we cant be friends.

Even if both people claim to be uninterested, there still is an interest of some sort. Otherwise why hang out? It doesn’t matter if its platonic or not, it wont always be. One person will always cross the line at some point, or have to lie to their spouse, or it was cause an argument.

I can not imagine my man coming home and saying oh i just had lunch with a coworker thats why im home later. And that coworker being a female. Why? why did you have to hang out? why couldn’t you just chill at work? talk at work? what more was there to say? i must admit this topic is coming up because yesterday i wen out to lunch with a coworker who we carpooled together. That was a bad idea in the first place. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but after I got in the car and realized the amount of intimacy being in the car with someone is, I felt uncomfortable. Then I felt worse when I left with him. It looked like we were fucking. I dont like that. Then we grabbed lunch, another bad idea. What if his wife drove by us having a snack at the grocery store together? I would be so hurt if I were her. I also made plans to have lunch with an old friend for tomorrow, but canceled and said that I would love to meet up with hm and his wife, but not him alone. I have learned my lesson. No more friends with dudes, unless their wives are there too. It just is shady af. I am so glad I took a step back and realized this information. I will no longer be in an awkward situation with a man again. Lessons upon lessons.

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you and me we’re history…

history means so much…it could mean we have a lot of history, or we are history like no longer a thing. so many people in my world are both and its been hitting me hard these days. i am having trouble realizing that its okay that people aren’t my friends anymore. i try to think about what it would be like to sit and hang out with them and if i even would want to, and most of the time the answer is no. its almost like the access is the problem. i dont like not having access to old friends/lovers. its like how can we spend so much time tighter and be so close, but now we are nothing. we all turn into somebody we used to know. is that how its supposed to be? is life supposed to  be a series of people who come and go and you dont know anymore? what is the point of even meeting people then? what is the point of life? is it to go meet people and lose them and learn from each experience? i didn’t sign up for this. i want connection all the time, but if its going to just go away why bother?

what the fuck.