history means so much…it could mean we have a lot of history, or we are history like no longer a thing. so many people in my world are both and its been hitting me hard these days. i am having trouble realizing that its okay that people aren’t my friends anymore. i try to think about what it would be like to sit and hang out with them and if i even would want to, and most of the time the answer is no. its almost like the access is the problem. i dont like not having access to old friends/lovers. its like how can we spend so much time tighter and be so close, but now we are nothing. we all turn into somebody we used to know. is that how its supposed to be? is life supposed to be a series of people who come and go and you dont know anymore? what is the point of even meeting people then? what is the point of life? is it to go meet people and lose them and learn from each experience? i didn’t sign up for this. i want connection all the time, but if its going to just go away why bother?
what the fuck.