Same as it ever was…

Why am I in this constant loop of life?

Its always the same. I work a job that pays well enough and then hate it. I dread going, but want so much stuff. I know working is the only way for me to get money to do and have the things I need but I dont do it. I know that I need to get a therapist and have insurance now, but the list of random names is daunting. I know I should do push ups or even just go for a walk but I still sit and watch tv like its nothing. How do I get motivated?

Do I need meds? Sometimes I hear a small yes in my head others I hear a no fucking way. Will they even help me? How can they help me? Are my chemicals really off? I stopped smoking weed so the mania stopped, but the depression is here to stay it seems. I hear that people take meds and the depression only lasts a short amount of time. I am scared to try anything at all. I keep wanting to try cbd but I dont want to spend the $35-60 but yet I just dropped 50 on renewing this site that rarely post on. The little voice told me to not lose this domain. So I spend the money. I will need it in the future, I bought this like 10 years ago and dont use it, keeping it for the future. There is another Melissa Culbertson out there who I am sure would love to have it. She is a popular author. But I will/want to be that popular author who needs it more! Except I am just sitting in my bed watching mrs maisel and sleeping.

I did get an offer to be a podcast guy producer and partner though! I am hoping that that turns into something good. I am hoping that I find passion in that work and create my own stuff. He talks about wanting to help me push my ideas and maybe it is what I need to do. Maybe I do need help. Maybe its time to take the help and ask for the help. I cant do it on my own, I cant seem to do anything on my own really. Help would be good.

Also why the fuck do I keep thinking about people who arent in my life and dont matter? why the fuck do I go over and over the last talks we had or the good times. I am not even that person anymore. If I were to run into those people what would we have to talk about? NOTHING.

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