Broken in

I went out to my car tonight after spending the day in the house because I didn’t feel well. I decided to go to whole food and grab some dinner. When I got to my car i don’t know if it was unlocked or not because I always push the button as im approaching. I didn’t hear an unlock sound but I wasn’t listening for it. I saw my glove compartment opened and my serving apron out. I had two in the car. The one with my pens was missing as well as my server book. Luckily I had nothing in it, and also luckily I took my purse out of the car, because for some reason lately I have been keeping it in the glove box. I keep asking myself why did this happen? What is my lesson? But I am also wondering if there is a lesson or if its just chance. I suppose thats why there are philosophers out in the world. Does what I do matter as much as I think? Have I been delusional for longer than I could ever imagine?

When I started smoking weed again its because I thought to myself that why should I be so strict? Why do I need to keep myself so tight and strict from every sort of fun thing. I already have most food gone from my diet and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and working a very part time serving job in LA and sleeping most of the day. Oh and I am going to be 40 in a few weeks. I guess this is normal to be thinking and feeling. I feel like I am ready for the next step in my life. I applied to community college and I am planning on going. I need direction and its all on me to do it.

I feel violated and confused on what was taken from me. Why did that happen to me? Was it only my car? Was I targeted? Is there someone watching me? Or did I happen to unlock it when I heard the other car alarm going off and maybe it unlocked and someone noticed and took advantage of the situation. I also feel like my things were stolen in the mail when I was smoking weed and now here it is again. Am I fucking up by smoking weed? or am i just an unlucky target? I guess I will never know, or maybe I will? Who knows. Either way I am not keeping anything in my car anymore and tomorrow cleaning out the glove box so there is nothing in there besides registration and insurance. And im not gong to smoke weed tomorrow or until later in the week. I am going to practice control.

Bored poems

Look at the rainbow glowing

able to give a smile to all who sneak a peak at its glory

the colors shine through you and through me

we will all be red and orange but what about purple and indigo?

 

little brown dog sitting on you bed

little brown dog with crusts on your head

little brown dog with eyes so big

little brown dog wishing you could still dig

little brown dog mopes and wishes for the sea

little brown dog with the same heart as me

 

Ole Mary J

I looked back on this year and at first I was seeing it be depressing and weird. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and creeped out. But really what I see is growth and change. I see me hitting rock bottom and starting over again. I see me waking up to reality and seeing how I wasn’t being myself and how far Ive wondered off my path. I have been dead and resurrected. I am alive. I am okay. I am on a path.

I have never looked at my life is good. I have never been present in the moment and appreciated where I am at. I am trying to change that. I was 5 months fully sober. I told myself to do 6, but for some reason on NYE I wanted to smoke. So I did. I got an old potato and made a bowl from it. I went and found some old weed I had. It was crazy how quickly it made my body hurt. I immediately had pain in my jaw and neck. It was a Chloe Horse of my neck. It was awful for a while. It made me get up and stretch and meditate and focus on what I wanted to do for 2019. This morning I woke up and wanted to smoke more, so I did. I smoked several times and did two paintings and here I am blogging. It makes me alive. I need to find the balance. If I can’t do it I gotta go back to non. I need to respect it and use it as medicine. Today I feel like I am abusing it. Its wild how fast you can go back to your old habits after so long of not engaging. Muscle memory.

I am really in a moral quandary. I think marijuana is a healing herb. It’s medicine. It is also something I over used for 20 years. But it’s been in my life for 20 years, and helped me feel alive for 20 years. Without it I sleep all day and stare and feel lame. I cant leave the house and when I do I like it but I always want to go back to bed. On marijuana I don’t want to lay in bed, I want to do something. It felt nice doing two paintings today. I want to start swimming and moving. Oh it also has been making me motivated to cook. I feel like cooking and creating. I want to do it and I want the flavors and I want to spend time doing it. For the past few months only a handful of times have I felt that way.

So the moral question is this; Is smoking marijuana something that can be in my life in a health way?

I would like to say yes, but I can only say maybe right now, because its not even been 24 hours. I need to go find a good strain that will help me. Maybe I will find one that will make me want to go to the gym and go swimming. or down to the yoga class in hollywood.