Broken in

I went out to my car tonight after spending the day in the house because I didn’t feel well. I decided to go to whole food and grab some dinner. When I got to my car i don’t know if it was unlocked or not because I always push the button as im approaching. I didn’t hear an unlock sound but I wasn’t listening for it. I saw my glove compartment opened and my serving apron out. I had two in the car. The one with my pens was missing as well as my server book. Luckily I had nothing in it, and also luckily I took my purse out of the car, because for some reason lately I have been keeping it in the glove box. I keep asking myself why did this happen? What is my lesson? But I am also wondering if there is a lesson or if its just chance. I suppose thats why there are philosophers out in the world. Does what I do matter as much as I think? Have I been delusional for longer than I could ever imagine?

When I started smoking weed again its because I thought to myself that why should I be so strict? Why do I need to keep myself so tight and strict from every sort of fun thing. I already have most food gone from my diet and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and working a very part time serving job in LA and sleeping most of the day. Oh and I am going to be 40 in a few weeks. I guess this is normal to be thinking and feeling. I feel like I am ready for the next step in my life. I applied to community college and I am planning on going. I need direction and its all on me to do it.

I feel violated and confused on what was taken from me. Why did that happen to me? Was it only my car? Was I targeted? Is there someone watching me? Or did I happen to unlock it when I heard the other car alarm going off and maybe it unlocked and someone noticed and took advantage of the situation. I also feel like my things were stolen in the mail when I was smoking weed and now here it is again. Am I fucking up by smoking weed? or am i just an unlucky target? I guess I will never know, or maybe I will? Who knows. Either way I am not keeping anything in my car anymore and tomorrow cleaning out the glove box so there is nothing in there besides registration and insurance. And im not gong to smoke weed tomorrow or until later in the week. I am going to practice control.

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