I keep finding myself feeling so BLAH. I don’t have any spark, and I just want to be a lump. Even when i am not high. I want to not be bothered by anything or anyone. Last night I made myself go to the show. I used FOMO to make myself go. I was worried that if I didn’t go Flea would come out and play some songs and I would hate myself. I really should have sold the ticket and had some extra money to pay for everything I am accumulating! I just want to complain, and bitch about how I dont feel like doing shit, but really I have nothing to complain about, at all. I am so so lucky and blessed to live the life I live, but I am ready for more. I am ready to stop being a waitress. I realized I am mean to those customers and I dislike them, but really its all me. My job is to literally smile and get those people what they want and answer their questions. I never want to be bothered by their dumb questions and I never want to smile answering them. Its where my intuition does me dirty. I approach a table and I can almost read their minds. They have attitudes or expect certain things and its lame af. I need to find a way to deal with this.
I want to smoke weed so bad today…is it because I know i am quitting tomorrow? Last night I took all of the weed I have and got rid of it. I have one little jar left for me, and then I am giving away the other little jar to my friend at work who doesnt mind smoking brown old weed. I feel okay to let it go, but I do want to be comforted by it today for some reason. I was looking back on last nights show and I hated that I was high, I wondered if I would have felt different if I was sober. I am going to find out! I have built to spill next weekend and then block party two weeks after that!