like spinning plates

I keep finding myself feeling so BLAH. I don’t have any spark, and I just want to be a lump. Even when i am not high. I want to not be bothered by anything or anyone. Last night I made myself go to the show. I used FOMO to make myself go. I was worried that if I didn’t go Flea would come out and play some songs and I would hate myself. I really should have sold the ticket and had some extra money to pay for everything I am accumulating! I just want to complain, and bitch about how I dont feel like doing shit, but really I have nothing to complain about, at all. I am so so lucky and blessed to live the life I live, but I am ready for more. I am ready to stop being a waitress. I realized I am mean to those customers and I dislike them, but really its all me. My job is to literally smile and get those people what they want and answer their questions. I never want to be bothered by their dumb questions and I never want to smile answering them. Its where my intuition does me dirty. I approach a table and I can almost read their minds. They have attitudes or expect certain things and its lame af. I need to find a way to deal with this.

I want to smoke weed so bad today…is it because I know i am quitting tomorrow? Last night I took all of the weed I have and got rid of it. I have one little jar left for me, and then I am giving away the other little jar to my friend at work who doesnt mind smoking brown old weed. I feel okay to let it go, but I do want to be comforted by it today for some reason. I was looking back on last nights show and I hated that I was high, I wondered if I would have felt different if I was sober. I am going to find out! I have built to spill next weekend and then block party two weeks after that!

Sobevember!!

Thom + Nigel

Like a lame old lady I left after the first song of the encore. I knew I had to take an Uber home and it would be crazy and it was freezing!! It was fun though. I’m glad I went. I got a poster! Made me miss all my posters. Are they still in your basement by chance? 🤞🏼

Decisions..decisions.

I had another meeting with the nutritionist today, it was very insightful. I realized that keeping a food journal is very helpful. It helped me see what foods made me feel what, and showed how I ate on certain days, with certain emotions. She suggested I use the same method for learning boundaries, which is brilliant! I need to keep a note open and write in it every time I feel like a boundary has been crossed and then learn from there! It feels good.

I also have been taking the advice to not judge and just do what I feel. I think that would help me feel free! No rules, just like hey this idea popped in my head i should listen to it. Like I dont want to go see Thom Yorke. I know its weird and maybe even lame, but I keep checking the set lists and I am not too excited about it. I am sure it will be cool to be in his presence and just go with the flow, but its going to be cold and i am going alone..I kinda want to sell it, but they aren’t going for that much…only like 60 dollars, but i dont go $60 is $60…we will see. I am going to see what the set list for tonight was and if flea came out or anything and see how much tickets are going for tomorrow. they may sky rocket! or may get lower…who knows..either way I will feel good about what happens. I only really dont want to go because its chaos afterwards and its a huge venue.. I went to the greek alone once in berkeley but i was kinda dumb and young when I did that and I was walking distance to my hotel, so I followed the crowd. This will be me waiting in a weird parking lot for an uber to come get me and pay all this money to get there and back.

 

HYPE on health

As I was falling asleep scared I was dying for some crazy illness I was like this is hypochondria. This is just you catastrophizing your life and your body. I then went to think deeper on it and was like is it an attention thing? Do I get more….then like a huge flash of lightening it hit me! My mom only showed interest in me when she was studying to be a nurse and would always use me as her symptoms checker as well as when I had the tumor removed at 14 that was a time when we were the closest and she showed most love to me. She was concerned on my well being and schooling. I was home schooled the rest of my freshman year by high school teachers. I remember my mom used to flirt with the history teacher and I never learned anything because they just did that the whole time.

eye, I, i, EYE, me, MYSELF, ME, MysELf…

I want to be zen

I wish I could not worry and stress

I want to work for myself

I want to help people

I want to be successful in helping people.

I want to have a life partner that loves me and respects me

I want a nice house with a back yard and a pool

I want a lot of dogs

I want to write a book and tour with it

I want to have a ted talk, or lead some sort of lecture

I want to own several properties and rent them to low income women who are trying to start over and need help

I want to produce this amazing weed cartoon idea I have had for over 7 years

I want to have a chef food prep for me every week

I want a trainer to get me in peak physical shape and be that way for the rest of my days

I want to act in something

I want to trust myself

I want to have strong boundaries

I want to live comfortably with the idea that nobody feelings are my responsibility

I want to live guilt free

I want to know what style I want to wear

I want to have enough money that when the air and the water are so polluted I will have it to keep myself and my family healthy

I want my own family

I want a mentor

I want to know why I see the time 10:39 all the time and have since I was little kid

I want a stronger bond with my spirit guides and angels

I want a disciplined yoga and meditation practice

 

 

Koondaleni?

HA!

When i went to meet my nutriotnist one of the main things her and I discussed was me starting Kundalini yoga. She had told me about this amazing woman who has been teaching for years and she has a class every day at 9am in West Hollywood. I have yet to go, but her and i made a plan for me to go Tuesday before I meet with her again. I feel like that is easier right now, because it seems like part of what I am paying for, even though the whole time I should have been going if that was my mentality.

So today when I woke up I found something where I just missed a special class last night, and that there is a class id love to go to but its on saturdays 5-7 and I work usually till 6, or at least 5. This was a different woman and when I went to read her bio she talked about how this form of yoga helps heal trauma and ptsd. It really hit me. I never heard it described that way before but after some more research I found that its true! Something about that style helps you reprogram your amygdala. I laughed when I read it because as I have said before my mind has always said my keys to healing are : yoga, meditation and vegan. Over and over again it has played in my mind, and I was asked recently why I havent tried it yet, and i have tried here and there but I have never committed to it. I hav never really committed to much that has been healthy for me. I commit to things that dont make sense, or are unhealthy, but for some reason I have a problem with healthy commitment. Ha, well not for “some reason”, you know what I am saying..I am learning about commitment and trust, and honesty its all because i dont trust myself and honestly have never really committed to myself.

 

side note: i thought i posted this on sunday, but when i opened my computer it was still in edit mode, so i technically didnt miss a day, even if the dates say otherwise.