emptying my brain

I feel really sad today. Disappointed. Empty. Anxious.

I really dislike working Thursday nights for some reason. Its not even that long of a shift, but its all me. I am alone from 3-7 so if we get hit I get hit hard. Also my busser is calling out so I will be alone for sure. Oh well, another day at that place. Always under staffed and hanging on by a thread. I really am unhappy there, its changed too much for me to stay too much longer. I know I need to stay through Christmas but I really want to lose Thursdays and get another job Wednesday and Thursday and stack up.

I am really lonely. I have people i can hang out with, but I don’t want to. Its such a weird feeling to have. I am unsure if I would want to hang out with anyone at all. Somewhere in my mind I think well if I was in blah blah city or town I would go do this or that, but the truth is, I wouldn’t. I would feel the same way wherever I am, and I want that to stop. I hope therapy helps me with that aspect of my mental health. I always feel like I need someone to help me do things, but yet I never want to do things with people. For example, I won’t go to the gym at 6am alone, but I will with my trainer. I most likely will eat fantastically and even cook like a chef when I work with a nutritionist but yet I can barely make myself anything more than eggs alone. Im sure that is another aspect I will work out in therapy, most likely a co-dependant, self worth issue. Same old same old…

I think we can be friends. I think we wont go back to old patterns, because we know better. We know each other and we know what works and what doesn’t. I know being blocked from each other doesnt work, for me at least. I am unsure how you feel. Its so weird in some ways I feel so comfortable with you that I feel like I could go back to talking like we never missed a beat. I am not being stupid, or naive or blind. I remember the bad times, as well as the good times. I remember all of it, but what shines through it all is the love and friendship we had. The deep inner knowing of one another. The kinship. That is unique and pretty special to me. I found a box when I was up north and it was all taped up, so I opened it and it was a box filled with those little notes we made in the beginning…remember? note cards of all the cool stuff we did or said, or felt and we kept them in that glass container. In it was also the little turtle and fry painting I did and the figures. I think maybe that sparked me wanting to email you when I was driving back, actually typing that makes me think for sure thats what made me want to write you. Really remembering the good times and the camaraderie we shared when we first were together in 2014. We had so much fun and were totally two best friends hanging out all day every day. it was magical. We are so far from those people now though, its kinda crazy. I feel like that girl is a trillion miles away from the woman I am today, which is pretty great. She was a mess. Thank you for helping me discover my mental health issues which has helped transform my life. I am thriving as an adult in many more ways than I ever have and am continuing to climb the mountain of healing and change. I really have been striving for a long time to be well, and you really helped me unlock the biggest piece of the puzzle. I am forever grateful to you.

That time also showed me a lot about people and trust. It showed me who were my friends and who are my friends. Also a lot about expectation and friendship. I realize I expected everyone to love me like a sibling and best friend, because my introduction to best friends with with nikole who was my sibling basically and then i went from nikole right into jenni. it was all the same, such closeness, all love and no judgement that really lasted or mattered. Then thing changed as I got older but I was too naive to know it was changing or that I even had to. Peoples motivations change and their priorities change and mine stayed the same. I trained people to treat me the same way people treat each other as teenagers as they demanded to be treated as adults. I  was so clueless that I was my own person who could be in charge of my own life without asking for permission from others to make decisions. I can do literally anything I want to do, anything. Right now I think I want to take personal training course which is oddly only 8-10 weeks long to get certified…So my only block to that is money and time at the gym. I was saying I didnt want to do it because I wasn’t in shape enough, but I looked through 24 hour fitness’s trainer list and more than half were older and out of shape or young and average. I will be such a good trainer. I will put a lot of energy into it and really be motivated to help others. I will probably have to start somewhere weird and then make clients and move up, but its okay. I am willing to put in the work. I need it anyway. I need something to do. I have off three days in a row every week and it kinda kills me to go back to work on Thursdays and then im off again Friday. I used to think I needed all that time, but what I really need is a move flexible schedule with a few hours each day of something, but that only comes with client based work. I will get there. I want to be a trainer and keep building my skills and eventually travel around and do classes and create a program of my own. I want to learn nutrition and have that be a program too. I will also include reiki and other new age healing in my programs, because I believe people need a full rounded system to get well. You can’t just eat better and be healthy. You cant just work out and be healthy. You cant just go the therapy and be healthy, you must do all of those things together to be healthy. I want to offer people that. I will offer people that. I will have my own studio too!

its so funny when i started this blog post i was saying how sad and empty i felt and now i feel filled with power and excitement for my future! its really true how much writing helps process and clear. I was getting hung up on mundane daily bullshit but there is a bigger picture to look at! thanks for reading, whoever is reading!

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