I am really proud of myself.
I realized that I have learned who I am. I have studied myself long enough now that I have learned what motivates and what scares me. I have learned my patterns and reactions and built in behaviors. I have learned of my impulses and their motivations and how to control them better. I have learned patience and time is really the answer to most things. Space lets dynamics change and people be who they are in the present and not the past…(hopefully those around us can adapt and grow too).
I have found myself this past week especially able to communicate with patience. Its funny because in the few situations I am thinking of, it wasn’t my initial choice or reaction to be patient, but I was forced to be from an outside source and later I got to witness the lesson on how time allows for clarity. Its really cool actually because i think my new motto will be wait on it. I was raised to be an intense firecracker that can explode at any minute. I used to not know how to stop talking if I had a lot of feelings. I wanted them to be gone immediately and I could not wait! You would always want me to stop talking and wait to discuss it later, and you were right (I am sorry). Luckily, I am now a grown woman and I can be cool and calm and wait and process and then come back with grounded honest thoughts and communication. You helped me find this, this patience is all you ever asked from me, and I am sorry I wasn’t matured enough to give it back then. I was reading about how people need mentors and how a mentor is really the only way one can see themselves clearly. We all lie to ourselves on accident, and if we have a person who cares enough to spend the energy arguing to help someone see we are lucky. I AM SO LUCKY I HAD YOU. I cant express my gratitude enough. When we met you literally were months out of a marriage and had so much shit to sort through and really needed a safe loving space and instead you took on a serious project of helping me see myself. JEEEZZZUSS I know that had to have been so fucking hard. You were breaking a wild fucking horse with little strength, but man you did it. I hope you know it wasn’t in vein. I am so sorry how hard I was on you in the beginning. I was so clueless on how my behaviors, words, actions, affected anyone else. I was entitled and lame and a fucking brat. I am sorry. You would take the time to tell me these things, not always in the most loving of ways, but you still did. The message got through anyway and honestly I think I needed it to be harsh AF. I know that is weird and maybe sadistic, but I think its true of the old me. The woman I am now will not bloom with a harshness, I need gentle love and nourishment. I kind of went from a weed plant, which needs bending and ripping and intensity, to a orchid or a rose, which needs lots of sweet tending to and attention. I love that. I am so proud of myself. I could not have made it here with out you. I believe the time and effort you put into helping me be a better person is what true love really is. You and I really love one another in that truest form, and that is special. I am so grateful for you.
I was reflecting on my post and it made me remember that day sitting on your couch talking about who I want to be when I grow up (lol I was 35) and you told me “write it down! write down what the woman you want to be looks like.” It was a great exercise in manifesting, and here it is! PROUD that I am on my way to fully being this woman!!!!