anxiety loves to eat me alive

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately on conversations…or interactions with people which is one of the reasons i choose to hang out alone. I always find myself going over conversations again or wondering if I said something wrong or mean, or fucked up. I go over it a million times…

My landlords are having some health issues and I have asked if they needed help, and got them some stuff from the grocery store the other day and didnt want to be paid back and yesterday I went to whole foods and got my landlady a pomegranate, because she loves them and she is stressed and it usually takes her a while to eat them, so I wanted to help her. She was so happy and overwhelmed and I think maybe not too many poeple are too thoughtful for her…but then they went to the store and came home and he brought me a bottle of wine! He knocked and I said oh my gosh thank you so much but I dont drink! He was stumbling with his words and was trying to say I should give it away and stopped himself and said okay then and turned away and went down the steps. It took me like 5 minutes to think, “oh my god you just denied a gift, thats rude”! Fuck! It is rude, but I dont drink and honestly if I had wine in my house, I may drink it. Real talk.I have been kind of wanting to drink but I keep not doing it, I am unsure if a bottle in the house would last long. probably in realty, it would last as long as I wanted, but I dont want it. I later sent a text thanking them again and saying how thoughtful it and sweet it was. I STILL am stressed that I was an asshole..

Part two: On that grocery trip I also had to grab some stuff for my cousin, her stuff was $21.00. She usually pays me right away when I do errands for her, but she is stressed with money and didnt. I owe her about $500 for when sofia died, on her credit card. She told me not to worry about it because she owes so much thats a drop in the bucket, but I told her I was worried about it and wanted to start paying her. I now dont have the money to spare and cant. So I did happen to ask her for the $20, because I literally have $40 in my account and thats about 50 percent more if i had my money back..so i asked and she sent it and then now its all guilt. I have tried to talk myself down from it and say, dude you need your 20 dollars and she owes it. its food for her and her kids, you need food..then im like yeah but i could just owe her 480 instead…but last time i tried to do that she said no, and would rather me pay in bigger sums or a plan to keep it organized.

The truth of both of these situations is that, yes they are weirdies…the landlord probably felt a little dissed, but understood too, since hes sober as well. Should I have taken it and just said thank you and give it away, yes. I should have and next time I will. I am just so bad at that type of lying. or any lying really. I am so bad at it. I am a truth seeker and teller, or at least I try my best to be. As for my cousin, yes im sure the thought went through her mind that I owe her, but she also knows my current sitch and prob let it go.

I feel cheap hawking someone for $20. I should have just let it go and pay for her, but honestly ive done that before and it feels awful. I bought them weed one time and never got the money back and it was 45. I think its because of the way my dads family is with money that I am always so scared. They hawked me for every penny I owed them all the time, while others never paid them. Its made me not trust anyone with money. As my dad said to me a few weeks ago “well then you shouldn’t borrow money”. Its true. I should make my own, but the funny thing is I do and I am generous with it usually, but I have to be careful too and keep myself fed.

the third instance of weirdness was this woman I worked for yesterday. She knows she can pay me $25/hr to do returns. This usually is only for a few hours of work and yesterday was 2.5 hours, which isnt that bad but also do I want to go through all that stress for 60 bucks? I had about 30k worth of clothes in my car that i was in charge of returning. STRESSSSSSSFULLLLLL!!!! Anyway this lady is all over the place and unorganized and its fine, but she also isnt great at communicating via text, very blunt. Anyway so she told me she was going out of town for the week today and it was 7pm and i had not yet been paid, so I had to write her as well and ask for my money and she sent it so now i have 86 more dollars to my name, which means i can get some gas and food and toothpaste. I have so much to say about all of this, like one; how the fuck did I get back to this spot? I was so flush all summer and had savings and was making more than enough money and now im penny pinching, again.

I dont like this and i think the main issue is I didnt know what to do with my money when i had it and did not know how to prepare for these slimmer times, if I did I would be fine. But money to me isnt long term, its here and its gone. I dont know how to create a long term relationship with it. I really need help but ive asked several people to help me and most of them say the same things to me to do, and i do them but then i dont know how to continue. I am so so dumb when it comes to financial literacy. I want to be smart but everyone around me is dumb and I get advice on a daily from people who arent rich! my cousin thinks shes very financially smart but in a lot of debt. my dad thinks hes smart but cant keep what i owe him straight and has fucked up my taxes as well as other peoples too. you are on the other side of the country and have tried to help me in theory but i think i need more hands on ? gosh i dont even know! i know one of the issues is that i should work more. i have this whole week off and i should be doing uber or delivery or something to make money instead i sit here in my bedroom doing nothing. I bet if i worked 7 days a week i wouldn’t be broke, but i dont think i mentally can do that. I feel so confused and stuck and am willing to change and make the adjustments, I just dont know how. I know there is the envelope system, but that is all cash and i work in both worlds also my income is different every week, always has been so its been hard to budget properly.

Thanks for reading my brain dump this morning. lots of anxiety to process.

I want to talk to you so much right now, I know you’re going through it so I keep not writing you an email to “leave you alone” or give space. I know that sometimes is the right call and sometimes not. I know when I am down I want people to show they care, but not ask too many questions or need too much from me. It’s hard to do that from over here, but know I am with you in spirit.

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