How do I let go of the feeling that I failed Sofia as a mother? I cant stop thinking about it. I think about how I could have worked more jobs and had more money to give her the proper care she needed. I look at picutures and her haircut was always a mess. She looked homeless. I did that to her. I couldn’t afford a groomer and never really learned how to do it properly and she always moved around and I did the best I could. Everyone says that when they dont want to say you failed, “you did the best you could”. No I didnt. I was lazy. I sometimes resented her for making me spend money I didnt have or have to take care of her, or come home right away to walk her. Or when I didnt want to get out of bed I had to and she would be a bitch if it rained. I would get mad at her. I didnt let her lick my face. I hate dog licks..yuck. I sometimes did let her and when I would ask for it she would deny me. I always have this guilt that I trained her to not love me, because I couldnt love her. because i dont know what love is. I feel so lost when it comes to that. i think when i got her when i was 28 i really didnt know what was love was, and as i learned about mental health and my childhood more I tried to show her more affection and love and I for sure always talked to her, but I didnt really play with her. We went on walks but that was maybe 20 minutes a day, if that. I neglected her. I neglect me too, I literally did the same thing that was done to me to my dog. I didnt let her love me, or love her back at an early age, then fought with her all the time then tried to show love but it was misconstrued and confusing and then shes gone and she didnt even get to look me in the eye. she got to look in my cousins eyes. I still am so upset about that. I literally need to get over it because there is nothing that will ever change that moment, but it hurts so bad. Why on earth did the doctor face her outward? why? i was rubbing her head and didnt get to look at her, she did. she got to say goodbye to my dog, while i sat by. its such a fucking metaphor for our relationship. she gets all the glory and the life while is it idly by being invisible because of my lack of assertiveness. i was so in shock though honestly i cant even say i should have asserted. I remember wanting to turn her around but she was gone. it happened so quickly. i cant blame myself for being sick and not being stable for her. I did love her. I gave her the best food I could it cost me $40 a week, that was about how much I was spending on myself for food. I gave her her medicine everyday and I walked her and bathed her and shaved her myself. I did do the best I could, the problem is it wasnt really the best I could. I still am doing the bare minimum for myself, well probably not. I am eating so fucking healthy. All vegetarian mostly vegan diet im cooking a lot and thinking what is healthy and making better choices.
i went to the flower district today. It was really cool. So many plants and flowers for cheap prices. I got 5 rescue plants that were a dollar because they all look like they are on their death bed. I am going to save them with love and attention. I am going to save myself with love and attention too. I mean I guess I am doing it, but I need to keep doing it. I also cant stop feeling like I am supposed to be there with you. Like this is something I am meant to be at, maybe thats what you meant by fly on the wall..I dunno. Just doesnt feel right being so far during this whole thing. I miss you. I keep wondering if we really are just fated to be richie and margot, or if we could ever be something more again. Did we go too far last time? are we better this way? is there more to come that we cant even imagine? do you think about it too? hugz, love drugz (remember?) (is that bad? lol)