construct of love

Sometimes I feel like i am living in a movie, or something that isnt real.  Not all things seem real to me, and even when they are happening it seems fake. Is this from the weed I smoke and have for many years? Or is it a mental illness thing? Is it wanting to see the world in a better view? it is hope gone wrong?

I am the person who everyone tells that person is bad or selfish or no good and i go oh really, and pay no attention until something happens to me specifically and i get to process and think oh yeah thats what all those people were saying. It happened with my coworker. I kind of just thought he did a lot of drugs and was add and kinda spacey. I didnt realize how manipulative he was and selfish and self serving until recently. is this me being naive to life? or waiting to see for myself?

I just wonder in what ways this is affecting me poorly and making me not be successful. I  reread all the stuff i wrote last night about sofia, and a lot of it is true, but like 5 years ago. I actually was a really good parent to her the last few years, minus the moving around a lot but I made sure she had what she needed. I may not have played with her much or walked her for long, but she was old and her heart was an issue and her legs, ectc. She couldnt keep up so I had to slow us down. I just suffer from so much guilt from shit that I dont need to anymore. This confuses me on how to live, because I am either living in guilt I shouldn’t, or not paying attention to what is happening to later. I am not present. I am either in the past or future, and rarely here in the now. Now is so boring to me, because I dont use my time properly. I dont do art projects or anything during th enow, I look online or think, or watch tv. I am distracted all the time. I find that odd and interesting because I feel bored, yet im distracted. How to be in the now without thinking or doing? isnt that meditating?

a lot of this has come up because I feel so lost. I think about us a lot and what we are meant to be, which is dumb, i know. i do that in almost all aspects of my life that aren’t tied up in a nice bow. I just want the answer and it to be done and then i can move to the next thing. I remember wanting sofia to die soon because i kept feeling like she was going to die and i wanted it to be over with so i could stop feeling like she was going to die. It is wild, isnt it? I now wish she was here. I am never happy with what is, it seems like.

i have so many questions about you and your feelings, but i am trusting they will come out organically rather than me pushing. i have learned that you are quite held back until you are ready and pushing you to express yourself never goes well. i trust that time will reveal all. i did almost ask you to marry me last night in my email. its funny i find that is my first answer to all our problems for all our years…lets just get married, it will all work itself out after that! HAHAHAHA so so funny how my brain has been programed to work. dont worry i know that is never the answer or even a real idea these days, marriage is a lame human construct and doesnt work most of the time…love is real and does work most of the time. right?

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