i swear i need this tattooed on my fucking forehead. i literally just spent the time since i wrote that last blog until now researching DID. I even wrote you an email (then deleted it) asking you if you think I have it and explained the reasons why I thought so. I went through the whole thing of being diagnosed and learning how to live with it and even the feeling of freedom knowing what is wrong with me. I even took a test to see if i had it. I scored 47.7, and anything above 30 means you have it. A fucking online test where I can make up what I think the questions mean…LAME! I am so searching to be well that I dont even realize that i am. I am fucking healthy af and i still dont think i am. Why? Why do i keep beating myself up and thinking i am a mess or unhealthy? i eat extremely clean and organic. i sleep normally. i work a job and pay my bills. yes i need therapy to learn how to trust people and some other things, but i am okay! I am not hurting anyone on purpose, or really even on accident anymore, I am there when people need my help, I listen, i care, I take the time to show people they matter to me. The thing is a lot of people don’t do this back to me. Maybe that is why I feel investable or like im crazy. I am not around the right people!
I think maybe this is what you meant by doing what i want in november. To be me without judgement or tryin to fix myself. Its true. i spend so much time trying to make myself better than i am not even enjoying being better!
i wish you lived closer to me. i would like to go on a walk with you.