Nothing good happens quickly…

I am changing and accepting my change. I accept that I have a lot of grief. I have so much grief in my life and Ive constantly ignored it. I started to see it for what it was, loss. Sadness on loss. I have lost so much in the past few years and I never really stopped to think about it. It would come to me in pieces of memories and I would push them away because they hurt me too much. It hurt to remember those bad memories and I would quickly go to an excuse on what happened and why it was okay, rather than accepting that it hurt and i was sad. Why did I do this? Because its easy to push it away and pretend its all okay, even when it not. It persisted because I never acknowledged it. I am suffering from the sadness of loss. Loss of friends, family, time, money, health, activity, my dogs life (she’s still alive, but I have a lot of grief over the way I neglected her for the past few years) I ask myself what does acceptance really mean? I think I know now it means to just say yes, I am sad. It hurts that so and so isn’t your friend anymore. It hurts that you acted this way, it hurts that you didn’t listen when people told you how to not suffer. It hurts that humans are well meaning but only can last for so long with you down your darkness. It hurts that you didn’t have the parents you deserved. It hurts that you know your mother does not care about you how she cares for your siblings. It hurts that your father is with a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t do anything about it. That’s the real pain, the true deep pain. LOSS. Loss of “what ifs” and “should be”. I should have been raised by a smart psychologically well off family who would have known how to help me and kept me protected and raised me with the right foods and exercise. To be raised in a household that honored my intelligence and had me reading and read to every day. A family that taught me how to cook and at eat together and openly communicate with love not anger. To be taught how to love and be open and to know love doesn’t hurt. These are things every human deserves, but honestly not every human gets. Most people don’t get that type of upbringing. Most people are raised in broken homes, that are poor and undereducated on how to raise another human.

I heard my cousin the other day say “We cant pay back the past, we can only pay forward”. This stuck out to me, because I felt like I could do it myself. I cant pay myself back for all the lost time and education and love, but I could pay it forward to myself. I can train myself like a child, mother myself to learn how to cook and exercise and to read and educate. I am way smarter than I ever thought I was. I have proven to myself that I can learn and understand and change. That takes intelligence. Just because I don’t know chemistry or haven’t been published doesn’t mean I am not smart. It means I haven’t pushed myself enough.

The past few days I have been pushing myself little by little to change my lack of movement. I started walking with my cousin on Tuesday, September 11th. Odd day to start, but kind of makes sense. I met up with her and we walked for a half hour. Then the next few days I met her at 6am and we did an intense work out up the hill. Yesterday we didn’t meet up, but I did a quick 15 minutes around the neighborhood and today I woke up and did a 15 minute yoga video. Thats 5 straight days of movement! I am proud of myself, but also been hard on myself too. I have been so tired and taking naps and feeling so exhausted. I yell at myself for being lazy and should be doing something else besides sleeping! The little voice inside says, rest, you will be busy soon enough. I always feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth by sleeping and resting when I could be achieving something. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe rest is achieving something. During this rest I did recognize my grief and my loss. During this rest I did see how food has been affecting me negatively. During this rest, I got to see how I interact with people and how it makes me feel. Anytime I was asked to show up for someone I have. Anytime I had offered for work, I have went. I am starting a week long production job today filled with 12 hour days and lots of new things, and new people. I have been nervous about it, but I really don’t have to be. I “should” feel confident in myself. The job I am doing doesn’t take anything more than patience and understanding and movement. I have some of those things. Patience I am still working on, but it will be fine. It will be meditative. I am organizing clothing. Thats all I have to do today. This week I will be fed, so I don’t have to spend too much money on food. I am also getting paid enough money to pay my upcoming rent as well as car payment. It is amazing! I feel this will lead to more jobs as well in the future. I am setting myself up, and I have not been lazy, Ive been preparing. I know everything I need to do to be successful for this job and for life.

Movement, my teas, whole foods and good sleep. Thats all I need to do, oh and be patient with myself, and the process. Nothing good happens quickly.

Right by your side..?

I realized looking through old pictures that i “used” to be so hot, confident and happy. I had my ups and downs but i LIVED! I used to live a life. I would go out, i had lots of friends and traveled a ton. I would do things all the time, and I had fun. Now I feel like an ugly old lady who hides in her house all the time and is scared to live. this is from 5 years of being in a controlling, abusive relationship. I cant say he was alone in the abuse, I played my role too. But I ALWAYS tried to lift him up, ALWAYS was his support system, and he would be mine too, later. In the beginning of the relationship he used to tell me how I dressed and my makeup was lame and I was too old to be acting certain ways and he didnt a woman “like that”. He didnt make me change my phone number and stop talking to people, but would cause trouble and problems if I didnt. When I would get late night texts from guy friends on the west coast while on the east coast it would cause the worst fights. It was just easier for me to cut everyone off and avoid the fights. I would do anything to avoid a fight with him, but it always happened anyway because he didnt trust me. I did lie to him about something that happened before we met, but I made good on that, and then I felt like I needed to tell him every single thing that I did or that happened to me. He blamed me for so much of it and hated it. He never left me though, we just stayed in this pool of distrust and love mixed together. I never left him either, because I have a fear of abandonment and felt like he was my “one”. I couldn’t leave the love of my life. I stayed for almost 5 full years in what I can now look back and say was an extremely abusive relationship mixed with some of the most awakening times in my life. He taught me so much about myself and helped me look at my behaviors and how they weren’t how I wanted to be. He also was a mess himself and would blame me for things and still does actually. Its still my fault to him. He never said sorry because he thinks things were my fault. I thought so too for so long.

I was talking about one of the things that had happened between us and the person i was telling was shocked and could not believe i ever talked to him again after that happened, and it happened again two more times! I kept going back even though i had all the proof i shouldn’t. i couldn’t help myself. he was like a drug. i was addicted to the “love”. The “love” i was taught in my own household growing up. I didn’t know what real love was supposed to look like. My mother never showed me or taught me and anyone else who tried was sweet but it would all go away when I would be home in that house with that type of love. I only ever saw sharp tongues and mean looks and pushiness be shown as love. I never saw positive touch or even hugs. Was never told “I love you, goodnight” I didnt even ever feel worthy of love, until him. I was never good enough for him, and I now feel not good enough for anyone. I feel defective and ugly. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever, because its all I can handle. I feel like too much for anyone. He made me know I was too much for anyone else. I have countless emails from him saying “nobody will ever love you, you’ll never have anyone again”.

I can imagine him reading this in terror and shock that I feel this way being as though  we have been on good terms for a while. We officially ended things this summer, but remained friends since we’ve known each other since we were kids. He knew me best, and vice versa. I thought I needed him forever in my life, but the more the memories piled on and I remembered things that had happened and his reactions and behaviors towards me, I realized I needed to step back. I need to heal from the relationship. i don’t think he is a bad person, but i think people were right..we were like oil and water. Neither bad, we just didn’t mesh well. It made no sense to me for so long, since we were best friends and had so much fun. We really only ever had alone though. Anytime we were with other people he would be weird to me, and avoid me. He said its becauseI would cause a fight and I believed him. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I think that i was psychologically manipulated and scared due to my own mental health issues that I was just in a constant state of reaction to protect myself the only way I knew how, as well as loved the only way I knew how-through anger.

I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be successful and fall in love and have children and make the best life ever. I want it for me too, I am scared I will never get it though. I am scared our time together stole that from me. I am scared I will never be pretty again or lovable. I am scared I will kill myself one day because of it all. I am scared you will kill yourself too.

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

Three little gems found in the rubble.

I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago while in Portland, Oregon. They really capture how I was feeling. One so hopeful and one so hopeless. Quite the dichotomy. Its exactly how I felt. Torn between happiness and despair. That is all over now. Now its time to sift through the rubble and see what gems I can find to help me on my current journey.

PAL BLU

The faint blue light of the sun rising to greet us with a new day drapes my room in my emotion. How can the sun project exactly what I’m feeling yet be so inspiring?

I need a hug.

I need a tree to wrap its branches around me and release this mess that swirls around my head like a whirlpool.
I miss you.
Will you ever come back to me?
Will my words be taken how I mean them?
Do you still want me?
The dawn of a new day does not bring these answers but it does kill yesterday’s fears.
GRAVEYARD DAYDREAMS
She lived amongst the dead

She loved amongst the dead.
She ran with the ghosts
They taught her about life and how to live
Do not waste a minute
They all wish they could be her
You are their hero
The queen rides again
The locomotive won’t stop anytime soon so enjoy it
Live live live!
Love love love
Move move move
amongst the dead
Learn from their perfection,
their failure
and
ultimate end.
GIRL
Grow roots in yourself and let your soul blossom is all you can do now.
go do it girl
step to it girl
let it go girl
live it up girl
respect the girl
release it all girl