Another night…


This place is the pits. There is nothing I want to do. I cant imagine one thing Id like to do tonight in this town. I am trying to think that if I were in Philly what would I want to do? I feel like I would hang out with one of my friends or cousins or even my sister! I am ready to leave here. I am working on it. I will have to work hard to do it, but I will do it! I can make it work and work a part time job and save up and get out of here. Save up to do everything I need to do. I can do this for another three months. If I have an end date, im good.

I feel so alone thought, but I think its part of it. Part of the growth process. Stripped away from everything and everyone to learn about myself and know myself and have boundaries and be myself. Thats the main issue i think with mental illness. I think I have no control and have let my life get so out of control that I had to depend on other people to survive, so I had to let everything go that was mean or fucked up. I would fight a bunch but it was so out of control too that it made it worse. I never fought smart. I am smarter now. Now I realize most people that are trying to tell me what to do dont have idea what is good for me and are grasping. Its nobody’s fault, its all my responsibility. I am on it.

im rambling. it happens sometimes. Sometimes i just need to be heard. Harry Potter pt 2 on in the background. HBO playing them all!

I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

And the daffodils look lovely today…

I just heard the news of Dolores O’Riordan passing away. When I was in high school and first heard linger, I knew it was special. I remember saying to my friends, who at the time all listened to hip hop, this band is going to be huge. They laughed at me, but I was right. She was special. I did not know at the time that I suffered with bipolar disorder, or that she did. I had tickets to go see The Cranberries play, but the tour had gotten cancelled. I was so upset. The one song that always stood out to me was Daffodil Lament. I loved how it went from down to up, it always felt optimistic. It is, but its also bipolar. So low, so lonely, to things looking lovely and happy back into quiet chillin buddhist type of singing. So quickly our feelings change, like the song. It actually made me feel more connected to her and her music.

I’ve been having a hard time these past few days. I feel like I am in the middle of big changes and I keep standing still. I want to go with them, but I dont know how. What is my next step, my next move? Do I even know? Does anyone care? I feel like I am such a mess. I messed everything up, I lost it all. Its that part of the movie, where I need to step up and change. how? Maybe I need to just listen to the cranberries and cry.



welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

Just a little patience…

I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.

Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do  anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.

I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.

More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.

I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.


Too much money makes
Not enough purpose in life
To see the small things

Over consumption leads
to poisoning the light in
Everyone but you

When all you have to do
Is open your eyes to see
It was there forever

Beasts, Savages…Survivors.

I just left the movie theater, and feel very odd. I decided to go see Beasts of Southern Wild. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting myself into. I just knew that when I saw the trailer a few times a while back it made me cry, both times. So I thought on this gloomy day, why not go to a crier? Ah nothing better than those damn movies that make you cry re: The Notebook.

All that being said, I did not cry. I was horrified instead. There were indeed some sad parts to the film, very very deep heart touching moments, but mostly it was horrific. The film was about a group of adults and a few children who choose to live in “the bathtub” after Katrina. They lived in shacks, shambles and booze. These people were not role models to the younger generation by any means. They were rowdy, loud, brash, drunk, abusive and most of all fucked up. While I was watching all this, I also found a beauty in them. They were a community who stuck together. They may have been drunks but they always looked out for each other, and when a storm came and destroyed their homes, they rebuilt, with what they had. These people were warriors, troopers, strong. These lessons that the children were taught were priceless. How to fish, how to build, how to survive.

All these thoughts got me going, and really thinking about society today. What would half of America do if Katrina happened to them? People wouldn’t even know what to think or do. A small percent of the whole population is super rich, and so used to people taking care of them. Or being able to go buy anything they want. We are so wasteful and spoiled as a society. It makes me ill. I make me ill. I was watching this and in the beginning kind of judging them. “ugh how gross, ewe, oh my god that house” were thoughts running through my mind. Luckily the thoughts that followed were “wow what an amazing young girl, I am so lucky, I am blessed to have a home and good food to eat”. I know a lot of my blogs are about thankfulness and gratitude, but I just need to share these thoughts. Spread the love per se.

I thank you for even reading this, and I hope that somehow, someway they help you find your gratitude as well.

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