Bored poems

Look at the rainbow glowing

able to give a smile to all who sneak a peak at its glory

the colors shine through you and through me

we will all be red and orange but what about purple and indigo?


little brown dog sitting on you bed

little brown dog with crusts on your head

little brown dog with eyes so big

little brown dog wishing you could still dig

little brown dog mopes and wishes for the sea

little brown dog with the same heart as me


Same as it ever was…

Why am I in this constant loop of life?

Its always the same. I work a job that pays well enough and then hate it. I dread going, but want so much stuff. I know working is the only way for me to get money to do and have the things I need but I dont do it. I know that I need to get a therapist and have insurance now, but the list of random names is daunting. I know I should do push ups or even just go for a walk but I still sit and watch tv like its nothing. How do I get motivated?

Do I need meds? Sometimes I hear a small yes in my head others I hear a no fucking way. Will they even help me? How can they help me? Are my chemicals really off? I stopped smoking weed so the mania stopped, but the depression is here to stay it seems. I hear that people take meds and the depression only lasts a short amount of time. I am scared to try anything at all. I keep wanting to try cbd but I dont want to spend the $35-60 but yet I just dropped 50 on renewing this site that rarely post on. The little voice told me to not lose this domain. So I spend the money. I will need it in the future, I bought this like 10 years ago and dont use it, keeping it for the future. There is another Melissa Culbertson out there who I am sure would love to have it. She is a popular author. But I will/want to be that popular author who needs it more! Except I am just sitting in my bed watching mrs maisel and sleeping.

I did get an offer to be a podcast guy producer and partner though! I am hoping that that turns into something good. I am hoping that I find passion in that work and create my own stuff. He talks about wanting to help me push my ideas and maybe it is what I need to do. Maybe I do need help. Maybe its time to take the help and ask for the help. I cant do it on my own, I cant seem to do anything on my own really. Help would be good.

Also why the fuck do I keep thinking about people who arent in my life and dont matter? why the fuck do I go over and over the last talks we had or the good times. I am not even that person anymore. If I were to run into those people what would we have to talk about? NOTHING.


Today I pulled the honesty card and I was kinda confused on why i pulled it, until I talked to my sisters boyfriend. I would normally say he doesn’t know me so well, but it seems he knows me better than I thought. He told me he knows he can always count on me to be honest about whats going on and to always cough up what I have done first and admit it. This made me proud of myself. I am someone who admits my wrong doings immediately, even when I don’t want to, I still do. Its like my body cant let it go until I tell the truth. The other day I was kind of an asshole to my cousin and it was my shit that I reacted to, and she told me not to sass her, and I stupidly said, well don’t you sass me, which she wasn’t. I wrestled with that sentence for about a half hour after it happened and decided I needed to swallow my pride and say I am sorry. I was wrong. I knew I was, but I did not want to say sorry. I wanted to let it go, but I knew that wasn’t correct either. I did say sorry as soon as I saw her and she blew it off and said she didn’t even think of it, but I felt better. I said I want to be better than just allowing a bad mood or word to come out of my mouth. I want to be better than most people. I am starting to realize I am pretty on top of it. I judge myself because I don’t formally meditate or do yoga, or speak like a new age goddess, but I am one. I am aware and I am honest and I am proud of myself.

My friend who’s much younger than me called me the other day and told me her problems and said she really kept thinking of me and what I would do in her situation and it helped her. She told me she thought about how I don’t let anyone stay around me that isn’t good for me and how I always look out for whats best for myself in a loving way. I was taken a back. What a compliment. She had also told me she wanted to talk to me because she knew I would be there for her. I am so happy that I am a positive influence  on people around me.


On another note I really miss my ex. He and I had a terrible romantic relationship, but lovely friendship. As I was talking to my sisters boyfriend I realized how much he helped me stop being an entitled, clueless person floating around the world expecting everything to just happen without putting any effort into life. He saved my life. If youre reading this Cheemie, Thank you. I truly appreciate you and credit you to helping save my life. I am sorry we arent talking right now. I need the space to heal from the bad stuff, but I think of you everyday. I am sure you feel the same way. Lots to process. I love you and appreciate you.

Nothing good happens quickly…

I am changing and accepting my change. I accept that I have a lot of grief. I have so much grief in my life and Ive constantly ignored it. I started to see it for what it was, loss. Sadness on loss. I have lost so much in the past few years and I never really stopped to think about it. It would come to me in pieces of memories and I would push them away because they hurt me too much. It hurt to remember those bad memories and I would quickly go to an excuse on what happened and why it was okay, rather than accepting that it hurt and i was sad. Why did I do this? Because its easy to push it away and pretend its all okay, even when it not. It persisted because I never acknowledged it. I am suffering from the sadness of loss. Loss of friends, family, time, money, health, activity, my dogs life (she’s still alive, but I have a lot of grief over the way I neglected her for the past few years) I ask myself what does acceptance really mean? I think I know now it means to just say yes, I am sad. It hurts that so and so isn’t your friend anymore. It hurts that you acted this way, it hurts that you didn’t listen when people told you how to not suffer. It hurts that humans are well meaning but only can last for so long with you down your darkness. It hurts that you didn’t have the parents you deserved. It hurts that you know your mother does not care about you how she cares for your siblings. It hurts that your father is with a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t do anything about it. That’s the real pain, the true deep pain. LOSS. Loss of “what ifs” and “should be”. I should have been raised by a smart psychologically well off family who would have known how to help me and kept me protected and raised me with the right foods and exercise. To be raised in a household that honored my intelligence and had me reading and read to every day. A family that taught me how to cook and at eat together and openly communicate with love not anger. To be taught how to love and be open and to know love doesn’t hurt. These are things every human deserves, but honestly not every human gets. Most people don’t get that type of upbringing. Most people are raised in broken homes, that are poor and undereducated on how to raise another human.

I heard my cousin the other day say “We cant pay back the past, we can only pay forward”. This stuck out to me, because I felt like I could do it myself. I cant pay myself back for all the lost time and education and love, but I could pay it forward to myself. I can train myself like a child, mother myself to learn how to cook and exercise and to read and educate. I am way smarter than I ever thought I was. I have proven to myself that I can learn and understand and change. That takes intelligence. Just because I don’t know chemistry or haven’t been published doesn’t mean I am not smart. It means I haven’t pushed myself enough.

The past few days I have been pushing myself little by little to change my lack of movement. I started walking with my cousin on Tuesday, September 11th. Odd day to start, but kind of makes sense. I met up with her and we walked for a half hour. Then the next few days I met her at 6am and we did an intense work out up the hill. Yesterday we didn’t meet up, but I did a quick 15 minutes around the neighborhood and today I woke up and did a 15 minute yoga video. Thats 5 straight days of movement! I am proud of myself, but also been hard on myself too. I have been so tired and taking naps and feeling so exhausted. I yell at myself for being lazy and should be doing something else besides sleeping! The little voice inside says, rest, you will be busy soon enough. I always feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth by sleeping and resting when I could be achieving something. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe rest is achieving something. During this rest I did recognize my grief and my loss. During this rest I did see how food has been affecting me negatively. During this rest, I got to see how I interact with people and how it makes me feel. Anytime I was asked to show up for someone I have. Anytime I had offered for work, I have went. I am starting a week long production job today filled with 12 hour days and lots of new things, and new people. I have been nervous about it, but I really don’t have to be. I “should” feel confident in myself. The job I am doing doesn’t take anything more than patience and understanding and movement. I have some of those things. Patience I am still working on, but it will be fine. It will be meditative. I am organizing clothing. Thats all I have to do today. This week I will be fed, so I don’t have to spend too much money on food. I am also getting paid enough money to pay my upcoming rent as well as car payment. It is amazing! I feel this will lead to more jobs as well in the future. I am setting myself up, and I have not been lazy, Ive been preparing. I know everything I need to do to be successful for this job and for life.

Movement, my teas, whole foods and good sleep. Thats all I need to do, oh and be patient with myself, and the process. Nothing good happens quickly.

Always trust your gut

Tonight i had a reminder to always trust my gut..I had had a feeling with a friend for many years that always somewhere in the back of my mind said “there is a darkness in there”. I got to feeling desperate about my living situation and was about to move in with this person. Yesterday there was a reminder of something that had happened 6 years ago that never sat right with me and tonight something happened that reminded me of someone else that I know isnt good for me. They are too alike. There is something off about it, and I am okay to be their friend, but not okay to live with them. I immediately spoke my truth about my feelings than said I cant live with you. They didnt argue. They knew I was seeing something inside they’ve tried to hide for many years. Its always there, the darkness. People show you themselves all the time you just need to trust your gut and feel confident in yourself.

This song goes out to you, friend. As well as other people Ive always believed I couldn’t trust and they’ve proven me right over the years


Moving forward…..

Ask and you shall receive. I am asking for an affordable place to live alone, close to my family for me and my dog that has a washer/dryer on site, a parking spot, a bath tub, in a safe neighborhood and nobody lives above me, and oh hardwood floors. No more than 1300. I will find this magical place and it will be mine. I am thinking November 1st. I can deal with this spot another 6 weeks while I save and get my place. It will come. I am asking and I will get it. I will wait for it to come. All the pieces will line up and I will have what I need and want.

My job will also start soon and come to me. I want to be working on productions. I want to be on set and waitress part time and keep working for my boss now. I want to have my hands in something artistic and something that makes me money and something comfortable to do on my own time. That would be those there things. I really want to work where I feel comfortable and makes me at least 250-300 a day. I will have enough money to take care of myself, my mental health and create a career as a healer. GOD do you hear me? I want these things. Tell me what I need to do to get them and I will listen. Thank you.

Bed Bound

I realized I need to quit laziness. I need to quit inactivity. I always said i need to start exercising or something along those lines, but in reality its quitting inactivity. This really changes the way I look at it. Starting for some reason is harder than quitting for me. I cant seem to get out of bed in the morning if I have nothing to do. But I DO have something to do…movement. Stretch, (yoga), read, write, mediate. Same old same old with me. I cant seem to accomplish these things. I used to blame my weed addiction, but im sober now, well only 6 weeks sober, but still sober! Am I being too hard on myself? most likely. I am jobless and broke. well not even jobless. I still work 10 hours a week for my other job up north, but I still consider that not enough, because its not. 10 hours a week isnt anything. its 100/week. I cant live on that. I barely can fed myself, my dog and get gas on that. I hate being in society sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard? Why cant i figure out ?

The inertia of life keeps me down and Ive yet to find a way out.

Another night…


This place is the pits. There is nothing I want to do. I cant imagine one thing Id like to do tonight in this town. I am trying to think that if I were in Philly what would I want to do? I feel like I would hang out with one of my friends or cousins or even my sister! I am ready to leave here. I am working on it. I will have to work hard to do it, but I will do it! I can make it work and work a part time job and save up and get out of here. Save up to do everything I need to do. I can do this for another three months. If I have an end date, im good.

I feel so alone thought, but I think its part of it. Part of the growth process. Stripped away from everything and everyone to learn about myself and know myself and have boundaries and be myself. Thats the main issue i think with mental illness. I think I have no control and have let my life get so out of control that I had to depend on other people to survive, so I had to let everything go that was mean or fucked up. I would fight a bunch but it was so out of control too that it made it worse. I never fought smart. I am smarter now. Now I realize most people that are trying to tell me what to do dont have idea what is good for me and are grasping. Its nobody’s fault, its all my responsibility. I am on it.

im rambling. it happens sometimes. Sometimes i just need to be heard. Harry Potter pt 2 on in the background. HBO playing them all!