Nothing good happens quickly…

I am changing and accepting my change. I accept that I have a lot of grief. I have so much grief in my life and Ive constantly ignored it. I started to see it for what it was, loss. Sadness on loss. I have lost so much in the past few years and I never really stopped to think about it. It would come to me in pieces of memories and I would push them away because they hurt me too much. It hurt to remember those bad memories and I would quickly go to an excuse on what happened and why it was okay, rather than accepting that it hurt and i was sad. Why did I do this? Because its easy to push it away and pretend its all okay, even when it not. It persisted because I never acknowledged it. I am suffering from the sadness of loss. Loss of friends, family, time, money, health, activity, my dogs life (she’s still alive, but I have a lot of grief over the way I neglected her for the past few years) I ask myself what does acceptance really mean? I think I know now it means to just say yes, I am sad. It hurts that so and so isn’t your friend anymore. It hurts that you acted this way, it hurts that you didn’t listen when people told you how to not suffer. It hurts that humans are well meaning but only can last for so long with you down your darkness. It hurts that you didn’t have the parents you deserved. It hurts that you know your mother does not care about you how she cares for your siblings. It hurts that your father is with a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t do anything about it. That’s the real pain, the true deep pain. LOSS. Loss of “what ifs” and “should be”. I should have been raised by a smart psychologically well off family who would have known how to help me and kept me protected and raised me with the right foods and exercise. To be raised in a household that honored my intelligence and had me reading and read to every day. A family that taught me how to cook and at eat together and openly communicate with love not anger. To be taught how to love and be open and to know love doesn’t hurt. These are things every human deserves, but honestly not every human gets. Most people don’t get that type of upbringing. Most people are raised in broken homes, that are poor and undereducated on how to raise another human.

I heard my cousin the other day say “We cant pay back the past, we can only pay forward”. This stuck out to me, because I felt like I could do it myself. I cant pay myself back for all the lost time and education and love, but I could pay it forward to myself. I can train myself like a child, mother myself to learn how to cook and exercise and to read and educate. I am way smarter than I ever thought I was. I have proven to myself that I can learn and understand and change. That takes intelligence. Just because I don’t know chemistry or haven’t been published doesn’t mean I am not smart. It means I haven’t pushed myself enough.

The past few days I have been pushing myself little by little to change my lack of movement. I started walking with my cousin on Tuesday, September 11th. Odd day to start, but kind of makes sense. I met up with her and we walked for a half hour. Then the next few days I met her at 6am and we did an intense work out up the hill. Yesterday we didn’t meet up, but I did a quick 15 minutes around the neighborhood and today I woke up and did a 15 minute yoga video. Thats 5 straight days of movement! I am proud of myself, but also been hard on myself too. I have been so tired and taking naps and feeling so exhausted. I yell at myself for being lazy and should be doing something else besides sleeping! The little voice inside says, rest, you will be busy soon enough. I always feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth by sleeping and resting when I could be achieving something. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe rest is achieving something. During this rest I did recognize my grief and my loss. During this rest I did see how food has been affecting me negatively. During this rest, I got to see how I interact with people and how it makes me feel. Anytime I was asked to show up for someone I have. Anytime I had offered for work, I have went. I am starting a week long production job today filled with 12 hour days and lots of new things, and new people. I have been nervous about it, but I really don’t have to be. I “should” feel confident in myself. The job I am doing doesn’t take anything more than patience and understanding and movement. I have some of those things. Patience I am still working on, but it will be fine. It will be meditative. I am organizing clothing. Thats all I have to do today. This week I will be fed, so I don’t have to spend too much money on food. I am also getting paid enough money to pay my upcoming rent as well as car payment. It is amazing! I feel this will lead to more jobs as well in the future. I am setting myself up, and I have not been lazy, Ive been preparing. I know everything I need to do to be successful for this job and for life.

Movement, my teas, whole foods and good sleep. Thats all I need to do, oh and be patient with myself, and the process. Nothing good happens quickly.

Always trust your gut

Tonight i had a reminder to always trust my gut..I had had a feeling with a friend for many years that always somewhere in the back of my mind said “there is a darkness in there”. I got to feeling desperate about my living situation and was about to move in with this person. Yesterday there was a reminder of something that had happened 6 years ago that never sat right with me and tonight something happened that reminded me of someone else that I know isnt good for me. They are too alike. There is something off about it, and I am okay to be their friend, but not okay to live with them. I immediately spoke my truth about my feelings than said I cant live with you. They didnt argue. They knew I was seeing something inside they’ve tried to hide for many years. Its always there, the darkness. People show you themselves all the time you just need to trust your gut and feel confident in yourself.

This song goes out to you, friend. As well as other people Ive always believed I couldn’t trust and they’ve proven me right over the years

 

Moving forward…..

Ask and you shall receive. I am asking for an affordable place to live alone, close to my family for me and my dog that has a washer/dryer on site, a parking spot, a bath tub, in a safe neighborhood and nobody lives above me, and oh hardwood floors. No more than 1300. I will find this magical place and it will be mine. I am thinking November 1st. I can deal with this spot another 6 weeks while I save and get my place. It will come. I am asking and I will get it. I will wait for it to come. All the pieces will line up and I will have what I need and want.

My job will also start soon and come to me. I want to be working on productions. I want to be on set and waitress part time and keep working for my boss now. I want to have my hands in something artistic and something that makes me money and something comfortable to do on my own time. That would be those there things. I really want to work where I feel comfortable and makes me at least 250-300 a day. I will have enough money to take care of myself, my mental health and create a career as a healer. GOD do you hear me? I want these things. Tell me what I need to do to get them and I will listen. Thank you.

Bed Bound

I realized I need to quit laziness. I need to quit inactivity. I always said i need to start exercising or something along those lines, but in reality its quitting inactivity. This really changes the way I look at it. Starting for some reason is harder than quitting for me. I cant seem to get out of bed in the morning if I have nothing to do. But I DO have something to do…movement. Stretch, (yoga), read, write, mediate. Same old same old with me. I cant seem to accomplish these things. I used to blame my weed addiction, but im sober now, well only 6 weeks sober, but still sober! Am I being too hard on myself? most likely. I am jobless and broke. well not even jobless. I still work 10 hours a week for my other job up north, but I still consider that not enough, because its not. 10 hours a week isnt anything. its 100/week. I cant live on that. I barely can fed myself, my dog and get gas on that. I hate being in society sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard? Why cant i figure out ?

The inertia of life keeps me down and Ive yet to find a way out.

Another night…

ALONE.

This place is the pits. There is nothing I want to do. I cant imagine one thing Id like to do tonight in this town. I am trying to think that if I were in Philly what would I want to do? I feel like I would hang out with one of my friends or cousins or even my sister! I am ready to leave here. I am working on it. I will have to work hard to do it, but I will do it! I can make it work and work a part time job and save up and get out of here. Save up to do everything I need to do. I can do this for another three months. If I have an end date, im good.

I feel so alone thought, but I think its part of it. Part of the growth process. Stripped away from everything and everyone to learn about myself and know myself and have boundaries and be myself. Thats the main issue i think with mental illness. I think I have no control and have let my life get so out of control that I had to depend on other people to survive, so I had to let everything go that was mean or fucked up. I would fight a bunch but it was so out of control too that it made it worse. I never fought smart. I am smarter now. Now I realize most people that are trying to tell me what to do dont have idea what is good for me and are grasping. Its nobody’s fault, its all my responsibility. I am on it.

im rambling. it happens sometimes. Sometimes i just need to be heard. Harry Potter pt 2 on in the background. HBO playing them all!

I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

And the daffodils look lovely today…

I just heard the news of Dolores O’Riordan passing away. When I was in high school and first heard linger, I knew it was special. I remember saying to my friends, who at the time all listened to hip hop, this band is going to be huge. They laughed at me, but I was right. She was special. I did not know at the time that I suffered with bipolar disorder, or that she did. I had tickets to go see The Cranberries play, but the tour had gotten cancelled. I was so upset. The one song that always stood out to me was Daffodil Lament. I loved how it went from down to up, it always felt optimistic. It is, but its also bipolar. So low, so lonely, to things looking lovely and happy back into quiet chillin buddhist type of singing. So quickly our feelings change, like the song. It actually made me feel more connected to her and her music.

I’ve been having a hard time these past few days. I feel like I am in the middle of big changes and I keep standing still. I want to go with them, but I dont know how. What is my next step, my next move? Do I even know? Does anyone care? I feel like I am such a mess. I messed everything up, I lost it all. Its that part of the movie, where I need to step up and change. how? Maybe I need to just listen to the cranberries and cry.

m.