I cant stop thinking about you. what does any of this mean? how did i know you were reading these? have you been reading these the whole time? did you happen to just click on it recently and see i was writing to you in a break down? or did you feel it? did you know through some sort of energy connection we have? i have a feeling you’re seeing someone, and you like them, but not enough and feel conflicted about talking to me. a few weeks ago i was googling you like i do from time to time and i found a newer youtube playlist you made called river, and had all these cute songs about rivers and it was then i thought to myself, maybe he made this for a girl and they are going to the river in colorado, or portland or even philly. i sent good energy to you. its so funny i never can be mad at you, like i can have periods of being mad about something that happened or was said, but it immediately goes to love. i dig deep and find the reason for the discretion and forgive it. i think that is what real deal love is. i dont care if we are ever together again, or even talk as long as you are okay and happy and know i love you. true love is letting someone go do their thing and i feel that for you, and i feel like you probably feel that for me too. i choose to believe youre cheering for me to succeed and would give me high fives.
today i woke up at 3am and couldnt stop my brain. that has been happening a lot. it started happening the last few months of sofias life. she would wake me up earlier and earlier to go out and eat. she got really bossy in her last year lol. so i would be up, but now i wake up and i do a lot of thinking. i was reading online the other day that in the bible it says that is the time God reaches out to speak to people and its a blessing to be up and to be thinking and processing during those hours. so i am embracing it. my life allows for me to not have to sleep certain hours, i only work 12-6, so its fine. i had plans to meet my trainer at 630, but i had to go at 6 to do my cardio first then we were going to do weights together, but after i did my cardio he wasnt around and then he finally wrote me and said he had a flat tire and wants to meet later. i dont like working out in the afternoon. im more of a morning person with working out. so i rescheduled for wednesday. i am proud of myself for going and working out at 6am. ive done it a lot, but i can only seem to do it if i am meeting him there, otherwise i dont think i would go at that hour. but it really is the best time to go. i need to make sure i do something tomorrow, maybe a longer hike or something to get my heart rate up.
im going to see brick and mortar in two weeks. they are playing the viper room in west hollywood on the sunset strip. its so funny. i really dont want to go there, that is where river phoenix died and it freaks me out. also i only wanted to go to somehow be closer to you. i realized i have been doing it unconsciously, or maybe you’ve rubbed off on me, i dunno. but i bought gold beats, the exact pair you have and i realized i didn’t even look to see what other colors they had. i laughed at myself later about it. you have such great taste and style. i always admired that about you, even since we were kids. is it weird im writing to you on my website? hahah its more like live journal at this point, but i really dont give a fuck. i do wish i could see inside your brain a bit more, FAIR POLICE! hhahahaah ttyl