Don’t be afraid, bad dreams are only dreams.

I cant stop thinking about you. what does any of this mean? how did i know you were reading these? have you been reading these the whole time? did you happen to just click on it recently and see i was writing to you in a break down? or did you feel it? did you know through some sort of energy connection we have? i have a feeling you’re seeing someone, and you like them, but not enough and feel conflicted about talking to me. a few weeks ago i was googling you like i do from time to time and i found a newer youtube playlist you made called river, and had all these cute songs about rivers and it was then i thought to myself, maybe he made this for a girl and they are going to the river in colorado, or portland or even philly. i sent good energy to you. its so funny i never can be mad at you, like i can have periods of being mad about something that happened or was said, but it immediately goes to love. i dig deep and find the reason for the discretion and forgive it. i think that is what real deal love is. i dont care if we are ever together again, or even talk as long as you are okay and happy and know i love you. true love is letting someone go do their thing and i feel that for you, and i feel like you probably feel that for me too. i choose to believe youre cheering for me to succeed and would give me high fives.

today i woke up at 3am and couldnt stop my brain. that has been happening a lot. it started happening the last few months of sofias life. she would wake me up earlier and earlier to go out and eat. she got really bossy in her last year lol. so i would be up, but now i wake up and i do a lot of thinking. i was reading online the other day that in the bible it says that is the time God reaches out to speak to people and its a blessing to be up and to be thinking and processing during those hours. so i am embracing it. my life allows for me to not have to sleep certain hours, i only work 12-6, so its fine. i had plans to meet my trainer at 630, but i had to go at 6 to do my cardio first then we were going to do weights together, but after i did my cardio he wasnt around and then he finally wrote me and said he had a flat tire and wants to meet later. i dont like working out in the afternoon. im more of a morning person with working out. so i rescheduled for wednesday. i am proud of myself for going and working out at 6am. ive done it a lot, but i can only seem to do it if i am meeting him there, otherwise i dont think i would go at that hour. but it really is the best time to go. i need to make sure i do something tomorrow, maybe a longer hike or something to get my heart rate up.

im going to see brick and mortar in two weeks. they are playing the viper room in west hollywood on the sunset strip. its so funny. i really dont want to go there, that is where river phoenix died and it freaks me out. also i only wanted to go to somehow be closer to you. i realized i have been doing it unconsciously, or maybe you’ve rubbed off on me, i dunno. but i bought gold beats, the exact pair you have and i realized i didn’t even look to see what other colors they had. i laughed at myself later about it. you have such great taste and style. i always admired that about you, even since we were kids. is it weird im writing to you on my website? hahah its more like live journal at this point, but i really dont give a fuck. i do wish i could see inside your brain a bit more, FAIR POLICE! hhahahaah ttyl

I hope….

this message is for you:

I hope you are making music.

I hope you are working out

I hope you are making money in a way that makes you happy

I hope you are making new friends and reconnection with old ones

I hope you are not drinking too much, or smoking too much…a nice balance.

I hope you are living in an amazing place that makes you feel safe

I hope you know you are special and the world needs you and your intelligence and your creative brain and your talent.

I hope you are not letting anyone dim your light. SHINE BRIGHT!

I hope you know

de bloc mi

are you reading these? how will i know? want to play a game? show me. let me know youre reading this, somehow.

its funny this is the only thing ive kept to for my october plan, but i will be back to the gym tomorrow and ive been back to work this weekend. work isn’t eh best, i really want to find something else to do for work. its just crazy how much money i make in such a small amount of hours. serving isnt the most glamorous job but i work a lot less than an average person does and make the same money. i cant work 40 hours to make 500 a week i cant do it. 15 hours, yes. i can do that.

i miss having a connection to anyone. i look around and everyone close to me has some issue with me or i have some issue with them or i dont trust them, or something weird. there is nobody safe for me. i have nobody to talk to and when i do try to talk to people they dont really listen. i cant wait for therapy to start. i go next week for my intro and then hopefully get an appointment soon. it will be nice to work with someone again and get my shit together. i mean i feel like my shit is together in a lot of ways, but its time to work on other things like relationships. all my relationships are weird. i dont know how to date, i dont know how to stand up for myself, i dont know what i want, i dont know what i like. i am learning though. i am dating myself and closing down shop to others for the winter. time to hibernate. die alone and then be reborn fresh and new in march.

i really would like to have a person, a friend, a someone. someone who actually wants to know how i am and wants to hear about me. someone who thinks about me daily and wonders what they can do to make me smile and see me. someone who cant wait to see me and be close to me. someone who i do all of that stuff with too. someone who its even.  i fear that i wont ever meet someone who i feel as comfortable as i did with you. someone who i can be my weird self with. i was dancing around the room the other day with headphones on and singing and being silly and losing myself in the music and i thought ot myself, wow, ill never be able to do this around another human being, but for some reason i could do it around him. as much as i was worried what you thought about me, i was oddly comfortable. i was myself. was it because we had known each other for so long? it allowed the comfortability? for both of us? we both were comfortable and known. i think it made us stay together way past our expiration date. when i look back we really should have broken up when you broke up with me after i got back to california. why the fuck did i still move to philly to be with you when you weren’t with me? you had made it clear that you didnt trust me and it wouldn’t work and you weren’t ready. i didnt listen to you, and i came anyway and forced it. i think what would have happened if i stayed in LA and we just talked for a year or so and fell in love over time. if i could go back i would do that. i would try my best to not jump in so quick and fuck it up. remember when i got there though? i drove for a week straight, had dinner with my cousin and dropped her off and went straight to your house. we kissed immediately like a movie. we both wanted it. we both forced it. we both maybe had different motivations for pushing forward or living together or any of it, but we both wanted it. i wish we didnt go as far as we did. it feels almost unfixable. but honestly if we both did the work we needed to do and both are sober, it could. we could work. would we even want to work? im unsure honestly if i think we could, but i do think we could be friends. i do think you could be my bestie forever. do you think so? unblock me from insta please. at least my second account, that is how i will know youre reading these. we dont need any other contact, just do that so i know. please. thanks.

my purpose is clear

i dont know what i am feeling lately. its a lot of weird emotions. some up some down. mainly realizing that men think they can talk to me a certain way and i am over it. my dad constantly disrespects me and forgets deals we make and when i call him on it goes right to dick head and says “well dont borrow money from me” as if borrowing money from him means that i have to be subjected to him constantly changing the terms? fuck that. my trainer, wants to blame me and claim i wanted him with me while i was away to work out when really he didnt set me up for success to be away and doesnt know how to own it so he’s putting it on me. other people are putting their fears of failure on me and fears of inability to get a 6 or 8 pack, fuck that. i can do anything i want to do and i will do it. i have to remember i want to do it all the time so i keep to my commitment. i have to go back to work today, i havent been there in almost 3 weeks. the longer im not there the happier i am. i dont want to go or be there, but i have to keep it together. i have to find another job soon, so i can be happier with work. i also have to remember i work so little and make so much, that maybe i can deal with it. i am going to try to do this thing where i dont try to change anything or rock the boat. just follow instructions and do the job. work my section and be happy with it and leave when im done. i cant believe they were saying they were going ot ask me to me be manager, i knew it was bullshit. i dont want to be working at a place that is so unorganized and constantly changing. i need some stability at work and for there to be enough people to do the job that is needed to be done. i need to work harder with working out so that i can get my body in shape and educate myself on how it happened so that i can become a trainer. then once im a trainer and a server i can train more and more and lose server. then i can learn something else while training and then do both and be my own boss full-time. client based work is the best for me. i want to enable women to be strong. i am going to be a woman only coach. its a way in for me to start getting clients and being able to build people up and make them feel strong. maybe my gym has bathtubs in the back. i will own a business and i will help people.

is that all there is?

im feeling better today. i woke up after a 10 hour sleep and feel alive again. my ankle still hurts but ill go to work tomorrow. it will be good for me in many ways. i need to be out in the world again. i need to get back to training and exercise. maybe tomorrow i will swim after work? will that be good? i have no idea. i feel kinda lost but for no real reason. i mean i have a job that pays well, i am working out, i am eating healthy and i am not drinking and so what i smoke weed. am i feeling the “is that all there is?” feeling? probably. i get so bored with life and its routines and patterns. but i cant handle the shake ups. ultimately im never happy or pleased. i need to work on that. i need a therapist. i will find one today and make an appointment. i may come back to this later.

locked in a cage

i have been couch/bed bound for the past two days because of my sprained ankle, so i havent really been following any type of anything. ive been smoking weed, eating and watching tv. oh and napping. i have been journaling but i havent been doing the other things, i missed meditation yesterday, but i will try again today. i dont know why its so hard for me to follow simple daily tasks. its been an issue for many years, my whole life really. is it something i should accept? i should just be okay with it? im really trying to decide what i need to be okay with and what i need to change. i feel like i am always lookin for ways to be better, its kinda tiring. when can i enjoy who i am? will i ever be happy with who i am? i hope so.

i think i am maybe finally dealing with the loss of the two biggest reltionships in my life. i lost both of them this year, and i think i was pushing through and now i am crying about it and seeing the loss of the friendships. i am alone. i really am alone all the time all the time now and i wish i wasnt, but yet am happy i am. i dont like to think like this, but i am worried that i will never met anyone who i am comfortable with ever again. what if i am alone forever? i have to find a way to be okay with that. will i ever be okay?