Searching for life’s instruction manual.

I am starting to think I am maybe more scared than I let on. I think maybe I am holding myself back in so many ways and I do not even know how to stop doing it. I feel so much creativity inside me wanting to come out, but yet I still dont do anything to let it free. I dont know how. I am being dead serious. I sit and watch all these other people getting on with their lives and creating something for themselves, and here I am sitting around watching tv or sleeping. I am sober which I always thought was my problem. “when I quit weed it will all happen” well i quit weed and nothings happened. the most I do that is worth anything is floss and brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face. I remember when that was a big one for me. Now I do that and I feel better, but what is that going to get me? health teeth and less wrinkles? cool.

how do i create anything? my paintings are shit and usually just some jumbled subtle type of art therapy for myself. which i guess art is for most people, therapeutic. i feel like i am not good at anything, even thought i know i am good at some stuff. i am a great organizer and thinker. i have lots of ideas and i am an efficient person who can see through problems and find the answers. but what is that going to get me? how do i become successful? serving food? not a fucking chance. that might get my bills paid but i am certain i will feel like i am in the rat race and hate it at some point. i need to create. i need help. who can i even ask for help? what is the help i need?

i pray these answers come to me.

its the new moon! my chance to change! now i just need an instruction manual.

Lessons upon lessons…

I banked my whole move on a restaurant opening up in time, and of course it was mercury retrograde too…so of course its not opening yet. not until October now. i was getting so stressed about money, but this morning something told me to not worry. it will all be okay. then my cousin called and said she wants me to be her PA on her next shoot and im hoping that comes through. Id make enough to pay rent and my one car payment! yay!

I am extremely behind on my bills right now and scared, but i know i must keep the faith. worrying pushes things away. i need to write everyday and be open to opportunities i would not think of normally. I need to be okay with everything I am going through and learning.

Before I moved down here I was certain. Sure of myself. i knew what i was doing and i needed to do it now! it all was working itself out, and it all fell apart as soon as i landed. I need to re-find the faith I had in July and August in myself and my journey. Ive done everything besides work out that my intuition has told me to do. Working out is coming up next for me. I see it happening, it takes time to switch and I am ready and willing, but still a tad lazy like i said in my last post.

My tarot cards today were power and the fool. Both such intense cards and so in what i am doing and dealing with. Trust in my power and the journey. I am starting out fresh and I am working, just not enough for my “plans” and bills. I will survive it will work out. I will get that PA job and I will make a huge paycheck that covers me. I will also start working at the restaurant soon and make boat loads there as well.

Bed Bound

I realized I need to quit laziness. I need to quit inactivity. I always said i need to start exercising or something along those lines, but in reality its quitting inactivity. This really changes the way I look at it. Starting for some reason is harder than quitting for me. I cant seem to get out of bed in the morning if I have nothing to do. But I DO have something to do…movement. Stretch, (yoga), read, write, mediate. Same old same old with me. I cant seem to accomplish these things. I used to blame my weed addiction, but im sober now, well only 6 weeks sober, but still sober! Am I being too hard on myself? most likely. I am jobless and broke. well not even jobless. I still work 10 hours a week for my other job up north, but I still consider that not enough, because its not. 10 hours a week isnt anything. its 100/week. I cant live on that. I barely can fed myself, my dog and get gas on that. I hate being in society sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard? Why cant i figure out ?

The inertia of life keeps me down and Ive yet to find a way out.

Shadoboxer

I am in mania, HARD. Its so fucking intense man. I never knew I had this illness, and i didn’t even believe it until yesterday. I mean the evidence was there, but there was still a part of me that felt like I maybe was being misunderstood and some doctor would come out of nowhere and let me know that its all been a misunderstanding and that I didn’t have a serious mental illness. That I was going to be okay if I just started to do this, or stopped doing that…Never would have to worry again. I would come out triumphantly and everyone who left me alone during this time would come back and be happy and we would all be a family again. Then yesterday happened.

Five days ago (Saturday 5/12) I completely lost my mind on the only person that talks to me daily and knows of my daily musings. I had woken up and had had enough. I still somehow got through the day and even went to a friends house for dinner. Its comes in waves. I can be completely there and normal and feeling fine, happy even, then a minute later crying so hard and feeling so much. Music brings the tears on FAST. Right now I am listening to Fiona Apple crying my eyes out, but ten minutes ago I was listening to Semi-Charmed Kinda Life dancing and cracking up. My emotions make me a rag doll and a rabid dog mixed together into one manic Melissa.

On the other side of the coin, I am feeling everything from everyone and even the world around me. I can cry thinking about drug addicts sitting on the corner. I was sobbing thinking of how misunderstood they are to themselves and their families, and if just if someone could go wake them all up to this, it would magically be solved. Crying desperately over why this cant happen and how sad the world is because of it. I am getting so much work done, I am constantly thinking of how to make work more efficient and easier for everyone. I am coming up with lots of ideas to write, draw, photograph, etc. I just still have zero patience to do any of it. I need to figure out how to harness this power I have inside me.

Yes, Power. Bi-polar can be a powerful tool if you know how to wield it properly. It is a delicate mix of exercise, artistic freedom, slowing down practices like Yoga and Tai Chi, a healthy  balanced diet as well as knowing your food allergies, journaling, therapy and patience with yourself.

I hear music different, I can feel exactly what the artist is trying to convey. I can see the journey the music is going on if i pay close enough attention. When talking to people I can see through their bullshit and its frustrating. When alone I want to numb it all because its too fucking much, so I smoke marijuana. I abuse the fuck out of that plant, and strictly on accident. I don’t know how to dose myself properly.  I only know how to just keep getting it every time I want it.

I recognize I have this and marijuana makes it better sometimes and can bring me back into my body and sometimes it can be worse and make me lose my mind.

Another night…

ALONE.

This place is the pits. There is nothing I want to do. I cant imagine one thing Id like to do tonight in this town. I am trying to think that if I were in Philly what would I want to do? I feel like I would hang out with one of my friends or cousins or even my sister! I am ready to leave here. I am working on it. I will have to work hard to do it, but I will do it! I can make it work and work a part time job and save up and get out of here. Save up to do everything I need to do. I can do this for another three months. If I have an end date, im good.

I feel so alone thought, but I think its part of it. Part of the growth process. Stripped away from everything and everyone to learn about myself and know myself and have boundaries and be myself. Thats the main issue i think with mental illness. I think I have no control and have let my life get so out of control that I had to depend on other people to survive, so I had to let everything go that was mean or fucked up. I would fight a bunch but it was so out of control too that it made it worse. I never fought smart. I am smarter now. Now I realize most people that are trying to tell me what to do dont have idea what is good for me and are grasping. Its nobody’s fault, its all my responsibility. I am on it.

im rambling. it happens sometimes. Sometimes i just need to be heard. Harry Potter pt 2 on in the background. HBO playing them all!

I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?