I have been up since 430 and been thinking about everything. I sorted through all the musings and thoughts and feelings and I came up with something so real and authentic i felt so calm. I am just learning about myself and what i need and who I am. I am learning how to eat, cook, clean, dress, everything a new baby has to learn I am learning. I can’t skip these steps. Its not only detrimental to me, it’s detrimental to anyone who I love, especially one I want to be partner with. I never in my life have spent the time to get to know myself and create a healthy life. It then hit me that high ACE score have higher health issues and have less life expectancy. I realized it is because those people, me, didn’t have the proper skills on how to care for themselves because they were so neglected. We all found ways to cope and get through daily life, but its not usually healthy. So much time not present with ourselves because it hurts. If we stop and take those yoga classes feelings might arise..if we eat slowly we may have more time to think about what isn’t working. All of these things that really make us happy and healthy are just spending time with ourselves. Not alone and stoned and watching tv. More like alone and writing, or massaging ourselves, cooking, praying, doing yoga, walking. This is the life i want to live. i want a yogi lifestyle. There is something that has always called me to yogi life, but I always get bored, or it hurts, or a myriad of other reasons why I dont do the practice regularly. When I read about their ideals and ideas and its in line with mine. When I read how they live and how most of their days are spent taking care of themselves, which is literally a dream of mine, its because they are yogis. They teach yoga for money and do lectures and help other people learn how to live presently with themselves and their bodies. This is what I want to do. I have attempted to take several yoga teacher programs over the year, but always felt like it was a saturated field. It is in LA and NY and philly, but is it in lousinana? kentucky? Mexico? there is a whole world out there and I think I want to travel and go on tour helping people. I have all these ideas over the years and they are all starting to come together to one career. I really think I am honing on it. It makes me feel good and something feels right when i am thinking of this lifestyle and life. Its what I want and have wanted. It means I need to do this. I need to take the steps to do this and become a yogi. My identity will be a healer, a yogi, meditative teacher and speaker, author, wife and mother. Mother of whom? I dont know, dogs or human(s) or both. I am too loving not to be. Which leads me back to this original idea of alone.
I want a partner. I want a solid partner. I want to be the partner I want to have first though. I want and want from my partner; health to be number one- exercises and eats healthy. Body is good health standing and taken care of. Mind is understood and emotions controlled. No co-dependancy. I am not yet this person, so I am not yet ready to be anyones partner, but I am getting there. What I am ready for is someone to be a very close supportive confidant who together, we can grow on our own, together. That would be ideal. Both of us transforming into the people we want to be while having the support of the other. That is what I dream of happening with you all the time and have since we met.. Both of us helping each other be the best we can be. I had the sad realization that this is only MY dream. This type of lifestyle is what I want and maybe not what you want. That it is completely possible that we aren’t actually compatible as partners, even though it doesn’t make sense because of how much we love each other and our rich history and our feelings. There is no need in hiding or pretending, our past love was unhealthy. I think we have accidentally been being idiots again starting to head down that road. Quick and fast and not who we want to be yet, unhealed and still raw in some spots. That was our old recipe. There was no time to build real deal trust. We had intimacy but we didn’t have trust. We still don’t have trust…..yet. I would love to build it with you over time. I think we both deserve it. We live far apart but we have technology so we can try to do this stuff by using our headphones and going grocery shopping together, or going to the gym, cooking/eating…taking classes and discussing them, reading books, going on walks…everything we would do if we were in the same city… YES it will suck because we will want to be close, and there will be a lack of physical intimacy, but thats when we use technology again, and jump on an airplane and visit each others cities or other cities or places! We can build something and see what that means..
Ultimately I want to know and follow through with the conditions that are necessary to make this flow naturally..