I know I can…be what I wanna be…

I have been up since 430 and been thinking about everything. I sorted through all the musings and thoughts and feelings and I came up with something so real and authentic i felt so calm.  I am just learning about myself and what i need and who I am. I am learning how to eat, cook, clean, dress, everything a new baby has to learn I am learning. I can’t skip these steps. Its not only detrimental to me, it’s detrimental to anyone who I love, especially one I want to be partner with. I never in my life have spent the time to get to know myself and create a healthy life. It then hit me that high ACE score have higher health issues and have less life expectancy. I realized it is because those people, me, didn’t have the proper skills on how to care for themselves because they were so neglected. We all found ways to cope and get through daily life, but its not usually healthy. So much time not present with ourselves because it hurts. If we stop and take those yoga classes feelings might arise..if we eat slowly we may have more time to think about what isn’t working. All of these things that really make us happy and healthy are just spending time with ourselves. Not alone and stoned and watching tv. More like alone and writing, or massaging ourselves, cooking, praying, doing yoga, walking. This is the life i want to live. i want a yogi lifestyle. There is something that has always called me to yogi life, but I always get bored, or it hurts, or a myriad of other reasons why I dont do the practice regularly. When I read about their ideals and ideas and its in line with mine. When I read how they live and how most of their days are spent taking care of themselves, which is literally a dream of mine, its because they are yogis. They teach yoga for money and do lectures and help other people learn how to live presently with themselves and their bodies. This is what I want to do. I have attempted to take several yoga teacher programs over the year, but always felt like it was a saturated field. It is in LA and NY and philly, but is it in lousinana? kentucky? Mexico? there is a whole world out there and I think I want to travel and go on tour helping people. I have all these ideas over the years and they are all starting to come together to one career. I really think I am honing on it. It makes me feel good and something feels right when i am thinking of this lifestyle and life. Its what I want and have wanted. It means I need to do this. I need to take the steps to do this and become a yogi. My identity will be a healer, a yogi, meditative teacher and speaker, author, wife and mother. Mother of whom? I dont know, dogs or human(s) or both. I am too loving not to be. Which leads me back to this original idea of alone.

I want a partner. I want a solid partner. I want to be the partner I want to have first though. I want and want from my partner; health to be number one- exercises and eats healthy. Body is good health standing and taken care of. Mind is understood and emotions controlled. No co-dependancy.  I am not yet this person, so I am not yet ready to be anyones partner, but I am getting there. What I am ready for is someone to be a very close supportive confidant who together, we can grow on our own, together. That would be ideal. Both of us transforming into the people we want to be while having the support of the other. That is what I dream of  happening with you all the time and have since we met.. Both of us helping each other be the best we can be. I had the sad realization that this is only MY dream. This type of lifestyle is what I want and maybe not what you want. That it is completely possible that we aren’t actually compatible as partners, even though it doesn’t make sense because of how much we love each other and our rich history and our feelings. There is no need in hiding or pretending, our past love was unhealthy.   I think we have accidentally been being idiots again starting to head down that road. Quick and fast and not who we want to be yet, unhealed and still raw in some spots. That was our old recipe. There was no time to build real deal trust. We had intimacy but we didn’t have trust. We still don’t have trust…..yet. I would love to build it with you over time. I think we both deserve it. We live far apart but we have technology so we can try to do this stuff by using our headphones and  going grocery shopping together, or going to the gym, cooking/eating…taking classes and discussing them, reading books,  going on walks…everything we would do if we were in the same city… YES it will suck because we will want to be close, and there will be a lack of physical intimacy,  but thats when we use technology again, and jump on an airplane and visit each others cities or other cities or places! We can build something and see what that means..

Ultimately I want to know and follow through with the conditions that are necessary to make this flow naturally..

 

i want.

Moving too fast? Taking it slow?

I want to be right in the middle where perfection is.

I want to race home to you and grab you and kiss you.

I want to come sit next to you slowly and hold your hand and stare into your eyes.

I want to go places Ive never been and lose myself in you and your flesh.

I want to gently rub your entire body attentive and lovingly.

I want to get married tomorrow.

I want to see you in January.

I want to build a house with you on land in the woods by the summer.

I want to take visits across country and explore each others cities

I want to love you.

I want to love you.

“she knows”

So I found out today that this weird meditation I had about how we are just a game aliens are playing with us. It was really surreal, then I went into this whole thing about how the brain works and how do we even form sentences and our consciousness. It was heavy stuff then I smoked more and passed out, but its stuck with me. Apparently Elon thinks the same thing and so do a lot of other people. I truly had no idea of these stories and had this alone in the middle of the night. Which really makes me feel like its true. If its true and we are all just fake then it makes me want to do anything I want. I dont care anymore. What are morals? Who cares if someone is rude to me, im going to be rude to them. I am no longer being nice to people that aren’t nice to me. I am going to care only about taking care of my body and mind and thats it. Its all fake this is the only thing I can control. I wonder what happens to people when they die, do they really go into another simulation? Is that past lives? This is all a joke and a game and someone might get bored with my avatar and kill me for fun. That could happen. How insane! Seriously I just want to do anything I want. Want to move to an island and just work at a bar there and sit on the beach? If its a simulation then that sounds like best way to do it. Actually lets do that anyway. why not? you teach ill serve, and then we surf and meditate and do yoga and eat vegan food and live in huts and be happier than this bullshit.

I am trying to be grateful for work and going to work and having work. I won’t have to do this job much longer so I am going to look at it like that. I am planning on leaving early 2020, so technically I only have like 8 weeks left to work there. 2 months, stack up and bounce. I just got my schedule and im on thursday’s now and that other dude isn’t on any days. I wonder if he got suspended for the week. Because im pretty sure i am working with him today, so it be weird if he was fired all of a sudden. I will see! ok gotta go now bbyeeeeee

Busy mental musings today

I started watching this show called This Way Up on Hulu. It has the wife from the Paul Rudd show. I really liked her, and in this she is really great too. She is entitled and kinda crazy. It’s interesting, it feels like you’re a fly on the wall of her life. She is so clueless to her interfering with peoples lives. Its cringe-worthy at times because I can see some of my old behaviors or things I feel the urge to do. Yet again beating the shit out of myself. At what point can you relax with self betterment? When can one stop examining oneself and just be? Is that a thing that can ever happen? My brain hates me sometimes, today is one of those days. My tongue is burning again..have I talked about that? A few weeks ago it was really burning a lot and then it went away. I thought it was maybe from the fires, but there aren’t any fires right now and so the only other thing I can think of is dehydration, so I am amping up my water today! I will see what happens.

I really hope tele-transportation happens in my lifetime. I would really like to jus think of a place and get to go there with the blink of an eye. How cool would that be? Like I could meet you at the movies and have dinner and then come back home. We could go to paris, or egypt for a few hours. wow. what a world that would be. Maybe i should write a story of all the adventures turtle and the fry would have with tele-transportation. ha i just had the funniest image in my head of those two walking around Paris and then on the beach in Cairo. hahaha. fry totally had a fake mustache ha! I don’t know why I keep mentioning Paris, because I really have no interest in going there haha. meh maybe i do?

Anyways, Today feels so weird..I have so many feelings. Mainly I feel anxious. I feel like I maybe overwhelmed you today with too much me! I heard you say you enjoy peaking in my life, but maybe it was too much..sorry..also sorry if that mitski message sounded mean, or judgmental…I’m sorry I am just honestly curious! Sending you hugs from across the states.

If I had a tele transporter that like could only go locally,  I would go to the hot tubs in the Korean spa. I would love to just blink myself there. They are the best, and one of my favorite places to go, but its so hard to pay $30 to sit in a few hot tubs and steam rooms for an hour or two. I should just go to the gym and go to the steam room and hot tub there, since I paid $42 for the month and I don’t think I went once last month and already haven’t so far this month. I should really do that. Its hard because the steam room is for both genders so you have to be in your suit, and you can really relax the same way when men are around too. Ugh fuck it I am for sure not doing that today lol…ok well maybe I will take a nap and do some art. or maybe not I can do whatever I want! How scary and beautiful all at the same time. bye

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

THERE

IS

NOTHING

WRONG

WITH

YOU.

 

i swear i need this tattooed on my fucking forehead. i literally just spent the time since i wrote that last blog until now researching DID. I even wrote you an email (then deleted it) asking you if you think I have it and explained the reasons why I thought so. I went through the whole thing of being diagnosed and learning how to live with it and even the feeling of freedom knowing what is wrong with me. I even took a test to see if i had it. I scored 47.7, and anything above 30 means you have it. A fucking online test where I can make up what I think the questions mean…LAME! I am so searching to be well that I dont even realize that i am. I am fucking healthy af and i still dont think i am. Why? Why do i keep beating myself up and thinking i am a mess or unhealthy? i eat extremely clean and organic. i sleep normally. i work a job and pay my bills. yes i need therapy to learn how to trust people and some other things, but i am okay! I am not hurting anyone on purpose, or really even on accident anymore, I am there when people need my help, I listen, i care, I take the time to show people they matter to me. The thing is a lot of people don’t do this back to me.  Maybe that is why I feel investable or like im crazy. I am not around the right people!

I think maybe this is what you meant by doing what i want in november. To be me without judgement or tryin to fix myself. Its true. i spend so much time trying to make myself better than i am not even enjoying being better!

i wish you lived closer to me. i would like to go on a walk with you.

construct of love

Sometimes I feel like i am living in a movie, or something that isnt real.  Not all things seem real to me, and even when they are happening it seems fake. Is this from the weed I smoke and have for many years? Or is it a mental illness thing? Is it wanting to see the world in a better view? it is hope gone wrong?

I am the person who everyone tells that person is bad or selfish or no good and i go oh really, and pay no attention until something happens to me specifically and i get to process and think oh yeah thats what all those people were saying. It happened with my coworker. I kind of just thought he did a lot of drugs and was add and kinda spacey. I didnt realize how manipulative he was and selfish and self serving until recently. is this me being naive to life? or waiting to see for myself?

I just wonder in what ways this is affecting me poorly and making me not be successful. I  reread all the stuff i wrote last night about sofia, and a lot of it is true, but like 5 years ago. I actually was a really good parent to her the last few years, minus the moving around a lot but I made sure she had what she needed. I may not have played with her much or walked her for long, but she was old and her heart was an issue and her legs, ectc. She couldnt keep up so I had to slow us down. I just suffer from so much guilt from shit that I dont need to anymore. This confuses me on how to live, because I am either living in guilt I shouldn’t, or not paying attention to what is happening to later. I am not present. I am either in the past or future, and rarely here in the now. Now is so boring to me, because I dont use my time properly. I dont do art projects or anything during th enow, I look online or think, or watch tv. I am distracted all the time. I find that odd and interesting because I feel bored, yet im distracted. How to be in the now without thinking or doing? isnt that meditating?

a lot of this has come up because I feel so lost. I think about us a lot and what we are meant to be, which is dumb, i know. i do that in almost all aspects of my life that aren’t tied up in a nice bow. I just want the answer and it to be done and then i can move to the next thing. I remember wanting sofia to die soon because i kept feeling like she was going to die and i wanted it to be over with so i could stop feeling like she was going to die. It is wild, isnt it? I now wish she was here. I am never happy with what is, it seems like.

i have so many questions about you and your feelings, but i am trusting they will come out organically rather than me pushing. i have learned that you are quite held back until you are ready and pushing you to express yourself never goes well. i trust that time will reveal all. i did almost ask you to marry me last night in my email. its funny i find that is my first answer to all our problems for all our years…lets just get married, it will all work itself out after that! HAHAHAHA so so funny how my brain has been programed to work. dont worry i know that is never the answer or even a real idea these days, marriage is a lame human construct and doesnt work most of the time…love is real and does work most of the time. right?