Three little gems found in the rubble.

I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago while in Portland, Oregon. They really capture how I was feeling. One so hopeful and one so hopeless. Quite the dichotomy. Its exactly how I felt. Torn between happiness and despair. That is all over now. Now its time to sift through the rubble and see what gems I can find to help me on my current journey.


The faint blue light of the sun rising to greet us with a new day drapes my room in my emotion. How can the sun project exactly what I’m feeling yet be so inspiring?

I need a hug.

I need a tree to wrap its branches around me and release this mess that swirls around my head like a whirlpool.
I miss you.
Will you ever come back to me?
Will my words be taken how I mean them?
Do you still want me?
The dawn of a new day does not bring these answers but it does kill yesterday’s fears.
She lived amongst the dead

She loved amongst the dead.
She ran with the ghosts
They taught her about life and how to live
Do not waste a minute
They all wish they could be her
You are their hero
The queen rides again
The locomotive won’t stop anytime soon so enjoy it
Live live live!
Love love love
Move move move
amongst the dead
Learn from their perfection,
their failure
ultimate end.
Grow roots in yourself and let your soul blossom is all you can do now.
go do it girl
step to it girl
let it go girl
live it up girl
respect the girl
release it all girl

A slice of a girls life…

Last night I watched the recent episode of HBO’s GIRLS and I am going to say it was the best episode yet. I have followed the show since the beginning and have always enjoyed watching Hannah and crew frolic around NYC. The show really speaks to 20 something girls, and being a 30 something I can safely say its on point! 

The show usually shows multi character plots and subplots, but last nights episode was quite the opposite. (Okay okay, Ray was in it for 3 minutes) The episode centered around Hannah and this hunky dude who she semi met at the coffee shop. He showed up all mad, left pissed off and Hannah went right up to him and knocked on the door. The two of them proceeded to have a discussion that quickly and abruptly turned into sex. 

I loved this because it was so true to life. How many times have people met and had a few days of sex locked up in a house? You enter this little bubble together where time and nothing else exists besides sleeping, eating and fucking. Its magic. 

In the episode things got real, real quick. Hannah realized she wanted happiness and kinda let it all hang out for her new friend to see. He obviously did not like that, being as though he was about 20 years older than her and was just enjoying himself. The most awesome part is that is what happens! You do something like that and it changes you. It awakens something inside you. It either can show you how much you want love and a partner or it shows you how much you do NOT want those things. Either way its a win-win situation of realization and change. 

What am I getting at here? Well I am not sure really, besides wanting to share my thoughts about a piece of television artistry. It just was so true to life, and that is quite rare on television these days. All the reality tv shows are meant to be real, but really are scripted and pieces of shit. Where as this show speaks to a generation that no other show is doing right now. So go watch it. See if you agree with me. 


Just a little patience…

I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.

Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do  anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.

I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.

More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.

I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.


My dog Sofia

likes to chase bunnies around

my house all day long

she thinks they are food

for her tummy to enjoy

sadly they are not

they say to her this

“can’t we all just get along”

but she licks her lips

Magic Oblivion

Lack of sleep brought these poems to me. I hope you enjoy them.


Split open like a coconut ripped from a tree

oozing liquid that was thought to no longer exist

pooling onto the floor left for dead.

Answers the universe refuse to give.

Space time continuum

falling back into place.

Left on the side of the road alone and frightened

you’ve been here before, but its not the same


Lost in a sea of lies, thighs and spies

we synthesize the track of bliss

to end no longer with a kiss

years you may have to miss

will no longer exist


The sweet scent of woman, man and sea

coalesced under the birds screaming from above

danger awaits, but is lovingly placed on the shelf

locked up for no one but essence of infactuation


Collide on the skin with every note

Abend the twists and breaks

Experience mystical moxie exchanged on a whim

to be taken to an assent by a lover

who rewards with acumen so earnestly

The creepy old LA zoo..

My cousin Steve and I wanted to hit the beach today, but knew the traffic would be insane, so instead we decided to go to Grffith Park again. We walked on the path that I like which I discussed in this blog, then decided to check out some other spots. We had heard that in Griffith somewhere is an abandoned zoo, so we went on an adventure to find it. It wasn’t the easiest place to find, but we finally went down the right street and hit the parking lot area. There are a lot of benches and picnic tables sitting along side bbq pits. They are only open during the winter due to fire restrictions, but it totally looked like a cool place to have a huge family party or something.

Steve and I saw a really steep hill and decided to follow it up. When we got to the top we saw really cool stone structures that look like it housed lions and bears at some point. I researched this and found out that the zoo was closed because of poor treatment of the animals. After being there I realized how thats very true. The whole place had a creepy, yet cool vibe. I could feel the animals, as well as feeling kids writing graffiti and drinking in these old shelters. 

I took a few pictures Id like to share with you all. ImageImage















Picture Book

I fumble through my boxes searching for it endlessly

I feel its the only thing I can do

To be connected to you

You are hidden deep in the depths of darkness

I must discover you, I must save you

You hold visions and dreams that no longer exist

So why am I so determined to not be dismissed?

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