The merry go round never stops

Is that really life? I can’t live in that life where it never ends and is always the same. It’s probably why I’m in the position I am in. I need to allow stability in without it suffocating me. It’s my huge challenge right now.

Also how do you just do it? I don’t get it.

Another night…


This place is the pits. There is nothing I want to do. I cant imagine one thing Id like to do tonight in this town. I am trying to think that if I were in Philly what would I want to do? I feel like I would hang out with one of my friends or cousins or even my sister! I am ready to leave here. I am working on it. I will have to work hard to do it, but I will do it! I can make it work and work a part time job and save up and get out of here. Save up to do everything I need to do. I can do this for another three months. If I have an end date, im good.

I feel so alone thought, but I think its part of it. Part of the growth process. Stripped away from everything and everyone to learn about myself and know myself and have boundaries and be myself. Thats the main issue i think with mental illness. I think I have no control and have let my life get so out of control that I had to depend on other people to survive, so I had to let everything go that was mean or fucked up. I would fight a bunch but it was so out of control too that it made it worse. I never fought smart. I am smarter now. Now I realize most people that are trying to tell me what to do dont have idea what is good for me and are grasping. Its nobody’s fault, its all my responsibility. I am on it.

im rambling. it happens sometimes. Sometimes i just need to be heard. Harry Potter pt 2 on in the background. HBO playing them all!


This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

A slice of a girls life…

Last night I watched the recent episode of HBO’s GIRLS and I am going to say it was the best episode yet. I have followed the show since the beginning and have always enjoyed watching Hannah and crew frolic around NYC. The show really speaks to 20 something girls, and being a 30 something I can safely say its on point! 

The show usually shows multi character plots and subplots, but last nights episode was quite the opposite. (Okay okay, Ray was in it for 3 minutes) The episode centered around Hannah and this hunky dude who she semi met at the coffee shop. He showed up all mad, left pissed off and Hannah went right up to him and knocked on the door. The two of them proceeded to have a discussion that quickly and abruptly turned into sex. 

I loved this because it was so true to life. How many times have people met and had a few days of sex locked up in a house? You enter this little bubble together where time and nothing else exists besides sleeping, eating and fucking. Its magic. 

In the episode things got real, real quick. Hannah realized she wanted happiness and kinda let it all hang out for her new friend to see. He obviously did not like that, being as though he was about 20 years older than her and was just enjoying himself. The most awesome part is that is what happens! You do something like that and it changes you. It awakens something inside you. It either can show you how much you want love and a partner or it shows you how much you do NOT want those things. Either way its a win-win situation of realization and change. 

What am I getting at here? Well I am not sure really, besides wanting to share my thoughts about a piece of television artistry. It just was so true to life, and that is quite rare on television these days. All the reality tv shows are meant to be real, but really are scripted and pieces of shit. Where as this show speaks to a generation that no other show is doing right now. So go watch it. See if you agree with me. 


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