And the daffodils look lovely today…

I just heard the news of Dolores O’Riordan passing away. When I was in high school and first heard linger, I knew it was special. I remember saying to my friends, who at the time all listened to hip hop, this band is going to be huge. They laughed at me, but I was right. She was special. I did not know at the time that I suffered with bipolar disorder, or that she did. I had tickets to go see The Cranberries play, but the tour had gotten cancelled. I was so upset. The one song that always stood out to me was Daffodil Lament. I loved how it went from down to up, it always felt optimistic. It is, but its also bipolar. So low, so lonely, to things looking lovely and happy back into quiet chillin buddhist type of singing. So quickly our feelings change, like the song. It actually made me feel more connected to her and her music.

I’ve been having a hard time these past few days. I feel like I am in the middle of big changes and I keep standing still. I want to go with them, but I dont know how. What is my next step, my next move? Do I even know? Does anyone care? I feel like I am such a mess. I messed everything up, I lost it all. Its that part of the movie, where I need to step up and change. how? Maybe I need to just listen to the cranberries and cry.

m.

 

Nothing but free time means…

I recently have realized I am bored. to. death. 

I have been thinking about what I should do with my free time, and I decided to start doing yoga, meditating and going on daily walks..for the first few weeks that seemed to do it. I felt great and was actually keeping a schedule and was busy. Now that time has passed and that  routine is firmly in place, I need something more. My job allows me to have weeks off at a time, even months sometimes, so I needed something until work comes back around. So I decided to start volunteering! Why not right? People need people to help them do things. The problem I came up with was where to start? I first went to KCRW’s winter pledge drive and answered phones. That was fabulous because I got to meet some cool new friends and got a free singed vinyl! I was stoked. It felt great to be out and about. Then after that high left, I felt low again. So after searching the web, I found Volunterrmatch.org. I was looking around and there is just so many different options. 

I was talking with a friend about this and she had mentioned the Hospice program and how cool it would be to sit with people who are about to die, and help them in their last moments. I thought to myself, thats an excellent idea! I know I know it seems really morbid and extra hard, but Im not so sure I agree. I have a really great outlook on death. I think its part of the human experience and its very natural, especially when Hospice is involved. These people know they are dying soon, as do I. Why not sit with them for a while and talk with them, or read a book? I also consider myself to be very positive and have the tendency to make people feel better, so why not share it with the dying? They deserve it too. 

I went to Burbank today and talked with a woman and signed myself up! There isn’t anyone right now, but when someone wants someone like me I will get a call! I hope it comes soon, but yet don’t because that means someone is suffering. Its an odd juxtaposition. 

In the meantime I also reached out to a troubled teen home where they are looking for a poetry teacher. Im not sure I would be such a great teacher on that subject, but I know I would excel at listening and helping these girls. I just hope something comes soon, not only to cure my boredom but so that I can start helping people! 

Life is Fleeting..

Yesterday I saw a butterfly and was reminded of a sentence someone once said “butterflies are there to remind you that life is fleeting” The idea that the butterfly goes through so many transformations from caterpillar to cocoon then is only alive for a short amount of time is mind blowing. It also reminds me of our lives as humans. We go through so many changes and a good amount of different transformations, that we are like the butterflies. The difference is that we don’t always die right away and they do. But we could. Life is precious and short and its time to remember that fact and remember how lucky we are. I know I know this isn’t a new concept by any means, but it has really been sitting with me lately. 

I go through phases of ups and downs and realizations and reminders, then life happens and I easily forget how far up I’ve been in happiness, and get swallowed by stress and daily activities. I forget to take the time to meditate and be with myself and sort things out. I spiral down a zone until one day I wake up and remember and everything feels great again. Right now I am in a phase of re-finding my balance and its hard this time to find my way back. This upsets me so much. My mind knows all of these things, but my body isn’t following along. My mind feels clear and happy, but everything else doesn’t.

Why am I writing this for the world to read? Why am I sharing my problems on my blog? Well to remind myself and you too that things will be okay again. That we need to just take the time to do our things that make us happy day by day and soon enough we will be whole again. Life is filled with ebbs and flows and shit happens, but we always can go back to our happy place. 

Next time you see a butterfly, let them remind you of this too. Life is easy as long as you know how to ride the waves…

Image

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑