I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?

its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.

Pieces of wisdom…

“When we are kinder and gentler to ourselves, we can be kinder and gentler to everyone else” -Brene Brown

I just watched a video my friend Mandy posted on Facebook. I wasn’t sure what it was about but I know Mandy is a very in tune, educated, wise woman, so I decided to check it out. At first it just seemed like some sort of retreat speech that was posted online. A woman in her 40s talking about research she found out. This type of stuff usually bores me to death. But I made myself keep watching to see what I could learn about. 

As I kept watching I realized she was speaking right to me. Stuff that I have been thinking about lately and issues that we all have. Topics of vulnerabiltiy, connection, fear, blame, love.  I don’t know much about Brene Brown, but she told me and the audience that she researches these types of topics. She digs deep into human emotion and connection and trys to figure it out. Her speech I watched showed how you can’t really figure it out, except within yourself. She realized that people aren’t themselves and let fears about their shortcomings run their lives. This is what spoke to me loud and clear. 

For years I have always questioned myself and second guessed everything I have done and do. Is this right? Is this going to lead me to the wrong people or places? Did I read that right? I don’t want to say that out loud in case its wrong. This has been my life. Recently as I watched the sun fall under the ocean in Northern California I realized its not about any of that shit anymore. Its about just saying and doing something, and if you’re wrong, you’re wrong. Then you learn and don’t do it again. But I have let the fear of being wrong stop me from so much. I mean even this blog sometimes as I am writing I feel like “is this even good enough for anyone to read?” Then I see a few likes on my page and I feel a sense of relief. But why should that be what makes my thoughts validated? Why should the judgements from strangers or even friends control what I produce and share? The answer is I shouldn’t. I am good enough. I am worthy of anything I try to do, or who I try to love. If I do not get back what I put out, so what? Who cares? Its life. Life is continuously going to disappoint us if we let it. 

So don’t let it. 

 

Here is a link to the video I was discussing. Id love to hear your thoughts on this topic, or even the video. Id love some comments on here. I understand if not, but it would be cool to open the flood gates and talk about real shit with people. 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑