I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.


This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

welcome to my new blog of IDGAF

i have decided to use this for anything and everything. i am annoyed with myself. i am so held back in this box that i have put myself in. i know i have the key and blah blah other bullshit that i would say to someone if they said that sentence to me. i would sit there and tell myself that it will be okay and to take one day at a time, and tomorrow is a new day, bullshit.

its all bullshit. its what people say AFTER they have been through some real trauma. but that doesn’t help yours. the truth is and is a sad truth, its all about you. you are the only one who can do it. and its fucking hard to stop living how you do to make yourself be better. where is the motivation? what is the point?

anywho….this blog is going to be fucking crazy and all over the place. and i don’t give a fuck.

Three little gems found in the rubble.

I wrote these two poems a few weeks ago while in Portland, Oregon. They really capture how I was feeling. One so hopeful and one so hopeless. Quite the dichotomy. Its exactly how I felt. Torn between happiness and despair. That is all over now. Now its time to sift through the rubble and see what gems I can find to help me on my current journey.


The faint blue light of the sun rising to greet us with a new day drapes my room in my emotion. How can the sun project exactly what I’m feeling yet be so inspiring?

I need a hug.

I need a tree to wrap its branches around me and release this mess that swirls around my head like a whirlpool.
I miss you.
Will you ever come back to me?
Will my words be taken how I mean them?
Do you still want me?
The dawn of a new day does not bring these answers but it does kill yesterday’s fears.
She lived amongst the dead

She loved amongst the dead.
She ran with the ghosts
They taught her about life and how to live
Do not waste a minute
They all wish they could be her
You are their hero
The queen rides again
The locomotive won’t stop anytime soon so enjoy it
Live live live!
Love love love
Move move move
amongst the dead
Learn from their perfection,
their failure
ultimate end.
Grow roots in yourself and let your soul blossom is all you can do now.
go do it girl
step to it girl
let it go girl
live it up girl
respect the girl
release it all girl

I have been thinking a lot lately about purpose, more specifically my life’s purpose. It came to me in a meditation the other day that its time to fill the gap in my energy which is my purpose in life. I of course asked what is it? It was then told to me to be patient and it will come if I keep doing the work. The problem is how am I to know what it means to be doing the work? I assume it means keep doing the things I am doing, but what if its not enough? What if I am meant to be doing something more and I don’t know? I feel a bit dazed and lost when it comes to this subject. I’ve spent days recently researching life’s purpose. Watching TED talks, googling it, reading blogs. Still none of it resinates in me deeply enough to affect me.

Why am I asking you? Because maybe you have help for me. Maybe something you will say will help me get a better look at myself and my dreams. I think of dreams and what are dreams and what are mine? I would say being a homemaker and having a wonderful garden doing yoga and cooking. That is a dream of mine. I have no doubt I will have that dream one day, but its not a purpose. Thats just life. I need to do something fulfilling with myself that makes the world a little bit better. I need to help people, and connect and connect others to themselves. Hm maybe I just found. Connecting others to themselves. So how do I do that? I could be a yoga teacher and help connect them to their body. I could become a therapist and connect them to their past and help them let go. I could become a life coach and help them connect to the present. But for some reason none of these things sound right to me, and I wish I knew why. Its almost like I need to create a program from thin air, from my mind to help others. The problem is getting anyone to pay me for it. With no education on the subject besides my own personal school of hard knocks.

How do I spread my love and positivity with the world?

This is my question. Help me please.

Nothing but free time means…

I recently have realized I am bored. to. death. 

I have been thinking about what I should do with my free time, and I decided to start doing yoga, meditating and going on daily walks..for the first few weeks that seemed to do it. I felt great and was actually keeping a schedule and was busy. Now that time has passed and that  routine is firmly in place, I need something more. My job allows me to have weeks off at a time, even months sometimes, so I needed something until work comes back around. So I decided to start volunteering! Why not right? People need people to help them do things. The problem I came up with was where to start? I first went to KCRW’s winter pledge drive and answered phones. That was fabulous because I got to meet some cool new friends and got a free singed vinyl! I was stoked. It felt great to be out and about. Then after that high left, I felt low again. So after searching the web, I found Volunterrmatch.org. I was looking around and there is just so many different options. 

I was talking with a friend about this and she had mentioned the Hospice program and how cool it would be to sit with people who are about to die, and help them in their last moments. I thought to myself, thats an excellent idea! I know I know it seems really morbid and extra hard, but Im not so sure I agree. I have a really great outlook on death. I think its part of the human experience and its very natural, especially when Hospice is involved. These people know they are dying soon, as do I. Why not sit with them for a while and talk with them, or read a book? I also consider myself to be very positive and have the tendency to make people feel better, so why not share it with the dying? They deserve it too. 

I went to Burbank today and talked with a woman and signed myself up! There isn’t anyone right now, but when someone wants someone like me I will get a call! I hope it comes soon, but yet don’t because that means someone is suffering. Its an odd juxtaposition. 

In the meantime I also reached out to a troubled teen home where they are looking for a poetry teacher. Im not sure I would be such a great teacher on that subject, but I know I would excel at listening and helping these girls. I just hope something comes soon, not only to cure my boredom but so that I can start helping people! 

A slice of a girls life…

Last night I watched the recent episode of HBO’s GIRLS and I am going to say it was the best episode yet. I have followed the show since the beginning and have always enjoyed watching Hannah and crew frolic around NYC. The show really speaks to 20 something girls, and being a 30 something I can safely say its on point! 

The show usually shows multi character plots and subplots, but last nights episode was quite the opposite. (Okay okay, Ray was in it for 3 minutes) The episode centered around Hannah and this hunky dude who she semi met at the coffee shop. He showed up all mad, left pissed off and Hannah went right up to him and knocked on the door. The two of them proceeded to have a discussion that quickly and abruptly turned into sex. 

I loved this because it was so true to life. How many times have people met and had a few days of sex locked up in a house? You enter this little bubble together where time and nothing else exists besides sleeping, eating and fucking. Its magic. 

In the episode things got real, real quick. Hannah realized she wanted happiness and kinda let it all hang out for her new friend to see. He obviously did not like that, being as though he was about 20 years older than her and was just enjoying himself. The most awesome part is that is what happens! You do something like that and it changes you. It awakens something inside you. It either can show you how much you want love and a partner or it shows you how much you do NOT want those things. Either way its a win-win situation of realization and change. 

What am I getting at here? Well I am not sure really, besides wanting to share my thoughts about a piece of television artistry. It just was so true to life, and that is quite rare on television these days. All the reality tv shows are meant to be real, but really are scripted and pieces of shit. Where as this show speaks to a generation that no other show is doing right now. So go watch it. See if you agree with me. 


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