Ole Mary J

I looked back on this year and at first I was seeing it be depressing and weird. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and creeped out. But really what I see is growth and change. I see me hitting rock bottom and starting over again. I see me waking up to reality and seeing how I wasn’t being myself and how far Ive wondered off my path. I have been dead and resurrected. I am alive. I am okay. I am on a path.

I have never looked at my life is good. I have never been present in the moment and appreciated where I am at. I am trying to change that. I was 5 months fully sober. I told myself to do 6, but for some reason on NYE I wanted to smoke. So I did. I got an old potato and made a bowl from it. I went and found some old weed I had. It was crazy how quickly it made my body hurt. I immediately had pain in my jaw and neck. It was a Chloe Horse of my neck. It was awful for a while. It made me get up and stretch and meditate and focus on what I wanted to do for 2019. This morning I woke up and wanted to smoke more, so I did. I smoked several times and did two paintings and here I am blogging. It makes me alive. I need to find the balance. If I can’t do it I gotta go back to non. I need to respect it and use it as medicine. Today I feel like I am abusing it. Its wild how fast you can go back to your old habits after so long of not engaging. Muscle memory.

I am really in a moral quandary. I think marijuana is a healing herb. It’s medicine. It is also something I over used for 20 years. But it’s been in my life for 20 years, and helped me feel alive for 20 years. Without it I sleep all day and stare and feel lame. I cant leave the house and when I do I like it but I always want to go back to bed. On marijuana I don’t want to lay in bed, I want to do something. It felt nice doing two paintings today. I want to start swimming and moving. Oh it also has been making me motivated to cook. I feel like cooking and creating. I want to do it and I want the flavors and I want to spend time doing it. For the past few months only a handful of times have I felt that way.

So the moral question is this; Is smoking marijuana something that can be in my life in a health way?

I would like to say yes, but I can only say maybe right now, because its not even been 24 hours. I need to go find a good strain that will help me. Maybe I will find one that will make me want to go to the gym and go swimming. or down to the yoga class in hollywood.

I let me be me today

It felt good too. I was sad and bummed. I had suicidal thoughts, nothing too big..the usual, life is pointless why am I even here? Or how am I going to keep going on like forever? Its too much. I laugh at myself though, I know that quickly I will feel so different and be so grateful to be alive and cant even believe I felt how I do right now. Its part of it, I think I have finally accepted its just part of who I am and not pay too much attention to it. I worked quietly today, and put my headphones on at work and did my own thing. I then came home and made my self dinner, which was nice. I just did it, I didn’t think about it this time. I actually just made it like it was normal! CRAZY Right? ha! gosh its funny how arrested I am in. I am also scared that my addiction to weed is more serious than I ever realized. I actually am looking at it as an addiction, I have self diagnosed dual diagnosis, addiction and bipolar. I am sure my new psychiatrist  will agree. Ive been addicted to alcohol but I quit it. I can quit this too, but its so different. I am seeing it as my baby blanket, and as my comfort. My escape when its too much otherwise. I also feel the awful downfall of it and go spinning into mania. I hate it. I hate that I don’t think I can have my brain be without some sort of chemical for me to be okay. Thats so hard to think, let alone say it…but fuck it, its real right? I gotta be real. I have to realize I am an addict, from an addict family. I am also an addict who’s quit cigarettes and alcohol cold turkey, I can quit this too. I might need some help though. Or one day il just stop doing it, either way its gotta be out in 2018. I can no longer be driven by something besides myself.

The sentences that run through my head these days are getting louder. I beat myself up constantly. Its sick. I am sick, I guess. Thanks for listening.

How are you feeling?