loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

ramble on

The moon shines brightly into my bedroom

its midnight and i just returned home from an evening of artistic treasures. 

Charles Bukowski is my inspiration for these words, as he taught me any thought pure and innocent can and should be written. 

in the reflection of my window I see my paintings.

As they stare at me i am reminded of how i have let that side of me go

I should get back to expressing myself in the painting medium. 

the trees are sillotued by the city lights and the near full moon

the crazes will come out soon enough, as they do every two weeks 

when the moon reaches its brightest. 

the currents are pulled deep as well as our emotions. 

my only wish for this evening is to fall asleep, being as the americana did not sit well. 

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