The merry go round never stops

Is that really life? I can’t live in that life where it never ends and is always the same. It’s probably why I’m in the position I am in. I need to allow stability in without it suffocating me. It’s my huge challenge right now.

Also how do you just do it? I don’t get it.

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?


This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

“5 reasons why a woman will give her number but never answers or returns his phone calls”

I was searching craigslist for a fun part time job and I came across an ad asking for advice column writers. I quickly wrote them an email and got a response pretty quickly asking for me to write an 800+ word column on the topic, 5 reasons why a woman will giver her number out but never answers or returns the call. I sat down, thought about it, wrote it out and sent it in. Afterward I get an email asking me to go to Altadena for a taping to be an audience member, and possibly be hired as a freelance writer. I decided it was a scam and a waste of time, but I still have this information that is mine, so I figured I would share with my blog..So here it is…


I was once told by an ex that “women are complicated creatures”. At the time I disregarded this as banter during an argument, but in retrospect, he was right. We are quite complicated. We think about every little detail, are very emotional. Overall, we want things to go perfectly, and that’s where it starts to go downhill for us women. As children we dream of the perfect job, wedding, and family. We spend our lives searching for perfection at every corner, especially when it comes to men. We all have our “dream” relationship in our minds, whether or not we get that is another question. So we spend our time looking for the perfect mate. In the process of finding this mate we have to go through the process of dating. Which is the most complicated process of them all. Men always ask woman for their phone numbers, and most of the time they get them. Now this doesn’t always mean the lady is going to answer the phone or even return your call. Here are five reasons women give out their phone numbers but never answers or returns the phone call.


The idea of perfection is just one of many reason why women give out their numbers, or lead men on.  The hunt is a serious game. There is the idea that maybe this one will be the one, finally! So when a single women is out and about and a man approaches her and asks for her number for a split second that idea pops into her head. What if this is the one? Then reality kicks in and the overthinking woman realizes she was being idealistic and there is no way she would date a guy who couldn’t even put an outfit together. Then the guy calls her and she ignores it and hopes he will get the hint and leave her alone. She quickly will go onto the next guy hoping the same thing. This cycle will continue until she is old and alone and realized she never gave anyone a chance due to her need for perfection.


Another scenario of why a women doesn’t answer, or return phone calls is because she may have been too drunk when she easily handed her telephone number to a complete stranger. Upon wakening realizes “what did I do last night?” Then her phone rings with an unknown number, she lets it go to voicemail only to hear some dude saying it was nice to meet you, id love to get together sometime. She wonders who is this dude? Then starts to find pieces of memories trickle back into her consciousness and boom! Oh that guy! I don’t even remember what he looks like. Yikes, what did I say to him? Hopefully he gets the hint when I don’t call him back. Delete!  You see the thing is, women like to party and let loose on the weekends too. We like to get together with our girlfriends, get dressed up and paint the town the red. This also means having a few apple martinis or whiskey sours, which both ultimately lead to getting really wasted. She may have blacked out and is embarrassed to talk to you unknowing what really happened last night.


Then there is the good old fashioned girl who cant say no to anyone, let alone a guy who approaches her and asks for her number. Throughout history women have been raised to be polite and please everyone no matter the cost. This cost sometimes is a guy who went out of his way to talk to and or impress a woman who is too nice. She will giggle at your jokes, listen to your story about how you decided to change your job and now are unemployed, and of course accept your free drinks. She will do this all while knowing she isn’t interested but just doesn’t know how to tell you. She will continue with this farce maybe once or twice, but ultimately is hoping you will get the hint when she doesn’t return your phone calls.


There is also the grass is greener scenario. You may meet a woman and you two hit it off nicely. Everything is going smooth as silk and you feel on top of the world. Then a few days go by and no return call, then you start to wonder why. Well you see later that day she met another guy who made her feel like butterflies were inside and just like that you are gone from her mind. She no longer remembers that joke you told that made her cry, or that flower you picked as you were walking together. This new dude has taken over those parts. She is now obsessed with the latest dude who found her at the laundry mat after your encounter. She then gets your phone call and remembers you even exist, and decides its better to just let it go and not return your call.


Last but not least is research. Women are very detail oriented and become the best detectives and lawyers ever when it comes to relationships. You two may have had an awesome conversation and both felt filled with joy to have met this person. But then she goes home and researches you. Google and Facebook are your worst enemies at this point. She searches your name, your job, your page, and your pictures then she judges you. Who are you friends with? Do you drink too much? Do you post bad jokes that are offensive to women? These are all things a woman is spending her time doing. She is figuring out if you are really the guy she just met or not. If it turns out your not the guy she thought, she won’t return your call. She will judge you, and possibly misjudge you, but nonetheless you are not getting a return call.


So gentlemen don’t always blame yourself for why women don’t return your calls. She may have met someone else, she may not be strong enough to tell the truth, she may have been drunk and doesn’t remember what you look like. All you can do is try. Be yourself and not too overbearing and the right woman will return your call one day. When that day comes it will be the right time and the right girl.  Good luck out there!

You Make Me Better

Thank you for your everlasting kindness
Those small things you did always stood out
You were top notch in a sea of bottom dwellers

Everyday that ended when we were together
I could say
Baby, you make me better.

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