Same as it ever was…

Why am I in this constant loop of life?

Its always the same. I work a job that pays well enough and then hate it. I dread going, but want so much stuff. I know working is the only way for me to get money to do and have the things I need but I dont do it. I know that I need to get a therapist and have insurance now, but the list of random names is daunting. I know I should do push ups or even just go for a walk but I still sit and watch tv like its nothing. How do I get motivated?

Do I need meds? Sometimes I hear a small yes in my head others I hear a no fucking way. Will they even help me? How can they help me? Are my chemicals really off? I stopped smoking weed so the mania stopped, but the depression is here to stay it seems. I hear that people take meds and the depression only lasts a short amount of time. I am scared to try anything at all. I keep wanting to try cbd but I dont want to spend the $35-60 but yet I just dropped 50 on renewing this site that rarely post on. The little voice told me to not lose this domain. So I spend the money. I will need it in the future, I bought this like 10 years ago and dont use it, keeping it for the future. There is another Melissa Culbertson out there who I am sure would love to have it. She is a popular author. But I will/want to be that popular author who needs it more! Except I am just sitting in my bed watching mrs maisel and sleeping.

I did get an offer to be a podcast guy producer and partner though! I am hoping that that turns into something good. I am hoping that I find passion in that work and create my own stuff. He talks about wanting to help me push my ideas and maybe it is what I need to do. Maybe I do need help. Maybe its time to take the help and ask for the help. I cant do it on my own, I cant seem to do anything on my own really. Help would be good.

Also why the fuck do I keep thinking about people who arent in my life and dont matter? why the fuck do I go over and over the last talks we had or the good times. I am not even that person anymore. If I were to run into those people what would we have to talk about? NOTHING.

Truth.

Today I pulled the honesty card and I was kinda confused on why i pulled it, until I talked to my sisters boyfriend. I would normally say he doesn’t know me so well, but it seems he knows me better than I thought. He told me he knows he can always count on me to be honest about whats going on and to always cough up what I have done first and admit it. This made me proud of myself. I am someone who admits my wrong doings immediately, even when I don’t want to, I still do. Its like my body cant let it go until I tell the truth. The other day I was kind of an asshole to my cousin and it was my shit that I reacted to, and she told me not to sass her, and I stupidly said, well don’t you sass me, which she wasn’t. I wrestled with that sentence for about a half hour after it happened and decided I needed to swallow my pride and say I am sorry. I was wrong. I knew I was, but I did not want to say sorry. I wanted to let it go, but I knew that wasn’t correct either. I did say sorry as soon as I saw her and she blew it off and said she didn’t even think of it, but I felt better. I said I want to be better than just allowing a bad mood or word to come out of my mouth. I want to be better than most people. I am starting to realize I am pretty on top of it. I judge myself because I don’t formally meditate or do yoga, or speak like a new age goddess, but I am one. I am aware and I am honest and I am proud of myself.

My friend who’s much younger than me called me the other day and told me her problems and said she really kept thinking of me and what I would do in her situation and it helped her. She told me she thought about how I don’t let anyone stay around me that isn’t good for me and how I always look out for whats best for myself in a loving way. I was taken a back. What a compliment. She had also told me she wanted to talk to me because she knew I would be there for her. I am so happy that I am a positive influence  on people around me.

 

On another note I really miss my ex. He and I had a terrible romantic relationship, but lovely friendship. As I was talking to my sisters boyfriend I realized how much he helped me stop being an entitled, clueless person floating around the world expecting everything to just happen without putting any effort into life. He saved my life. If youre reading this Cheemie, Thank you. I truly appreciate you and credit you to helping save my life. I am sorry we arent talking right now. I need the space to heal from the bad stuff, but I think of you everyday. I am sure you feel the same way. Lots to process. I love you and appreciate you.

Right by your side..?

I realized looking through old pictures that i “used” to be so hot, confident and happy. I had my ups and downs but i LIVED! I used to live a life. I would go out, i had lots of friends and traveled a ton. I would do things all the time, and I had fun. Now I feel like an ugly old lady who hides in her house all the time and is scared to live. this is from 5 years of being in a controlling, abusive relationship. I cant say he was alone in the abuse, I played my role too. But I ALWAYS tried to lift him up, ALWAYS was his support system, and he would be mine too, later. In the beginning of the relationship he used to tell me how I dressed and my makeup was lame and I was too old to be acting certain ways and he didnt a woman “like that”. He didnt make me change my phone number and stop talking to people, but would cause trouble and problems if I didnt. When I would get late night texts from guy friends on the west coast while on the east coast it would cause the worst fights. It was just easier for me to cut everyone off and avoid the fights. I would do anything to avoid a fight with him, but it always happened anyway because he didnt trust me. I did lie to him about something that happened before we met, but I made good on that, and then I felt like I needed to tell him every single thing that I did or that happened to me. He blamed me for so much of it and hated it. He never left me though, we just stayed in this pool of distrust and love mixed together. I never left him either, because I have a fear of abandonment and felt like he was my “one”. I couldn’t leave the love of my life. I stayed for almost 5 full years in what I can now look back and say was an extremely abusive relationship mixed with some of the most awakening times in my life. He taught me so much about myself and helped me look at my behaviors and how they weren’t how I wanted to be. He also was a mess himself and would blame me for things and still does actually. Its still my fault to him. He never said sorry because he thinks things were my fault. I thought so too for so long.

I was talking about one of the things that had happened between us and the person i was telling was shocked and could not believe i ever talked to him again after that happened, and it happened again two more times! I kept going back even though i had all the proof i shouldn’t. i couldn’t help myself. he was like a drug. i was addicted to the “love”. The “love” i was taught in my own household growing up. I didn’t know what real love was supposed to look like. My mother never showed me or taught me and anyone else who tried was sweet but it would all go away when I would be home in that house with that type of love. I only ever saw sharp tongues and mean looks and pushiness be shown as love. I never saw positive touch or even hugs. Was never told “I love you, goodnight” I didnt even ever feel worthy of love, until him. I was never good enough for him, and I now feel not good enough for anyone. I feel defective and ugly. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever, because its all I can handle. I feel like too much for anyone. He made me know I was too much for anyone else. I have countless emails from him saying “nobody will ever love you, you’ll never have anyone again”.

I can imagine him reading this in terror and shock that I feel this way being as though  we have been on good terms for a while. We officially ended things this summer, but remained friends since we’ve known each other since we were kids. He knew me best, and vice versa. I thought I needed him forever in my life, but the more the memories piled on and I remembered things that had happened and his reactions and behaviors towards me, I realized I needed to step back. I need to heal from the relationship. i don’t think he is a bad person, but i think people were right..we were like oil and water. Neither bad, we just didn’t mesh well. It made no sense to me for so long, since we were best friends and had so much fun. We really only ever had alone though. Anytime we were with other people he would be weird to me, and avoid me. He said its becauseI would cause a fight and I believed him. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I think that i was psychologically manipulated and scared due to my own mental health issues that I was just in a constant state of reaction to protect myself the only way I knew how, as well as loved the only way I knew how-through anger.

I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be successful and fall in love and have children and make the best life ever. I want it for me too, I am scared I will never get it though. I am scared our time together stole that from me. I am scared I will never be pretty again or lovable. I am scared I will kill myself one day because of it all. I am scared you will kill yourself too.

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

loyality

This song keeps playing in my head for the past few days. i dont know why but it is. songs always play in my head. its like there is a radio station only i can hear going on in there. its clear, its in their voices…literally like the radio is on. i used to think it was awesome and then it got to become too much. it plays all the time. “tell me who your loyal to” keeps playing the past few days. That line over and over. I think my brain is actually asking me. Melissa, Who are you loyal to? “Everyone”! I always think its everyone, but recently, it cant. I need to only really be loyal to me. I have never done that before. I dont listen to my decree. I bend my rules for everyone. I think that is why i get so mad at others because they dont bend theirs for me, but i do for them. its not right. my rules should never be bent, unless certain circumstances say so.

I am going back to work today after 6 weeks off. I get so much anxiety about it, but then realized so does everyone. its overwhelming. 20 plus people in the same room working together. loud music, stories, life. i also start therapy today with a new therapist. im hoping this one will be awesome and help me during this new stage im in. i stopped my meds and feel alive again, but i also feel very out of control. ray and i are over and its good, but also lonely. i want to write in here everyday and find a new community. i need new insights and support.

its time for me to be my own best friend. my own parent. my own employer. my own doctor. my own therapist. my own everything. its all on me.

gratitude can save me. discipline can save me. healthy diet can save me. meditation can save me. not one human can save me, but me.

“5 reasons why a woman will give her number but never answers or returns his phone calls”

I was searching craigslist for a fun part time job and I came across an ad asking for advice column writers. I quickly wrote them an email and got a response pretty quickly asking for me to write an 800+ word column on the topic, 5 reasons why a woman will giver her number out but never answers or returns the call. I sat down, thought about it, wrote it out and sent it in. Afterward I get an email asking me to go to Altadena for a taping to be an audience member, and possibly be hired as a freelance writer. I decided it was a scam and a waste of time, but I still have this information that is mine, so I figured I would share with my blog..So here it is…

 

I was once told by an ex that “women are complicated creatures”. At the time I disregarded this as banter during an argument, but in retrospect, he was right. We are quite complicated. We think about every little detail, are very emotional. Overall, we want things to go perfectly, and that’s where it starts to go downhill for us women. As children we dream of the perfect job, wedding, and family. We spend our lives searching for perfection at every corner, especially when it comes to men. We all have our “dream” relationship in our minds, whether or not we get that is another question. So we spend our time looking for the perfect mate. In the process of finding this mate we have to go through the process of dating. Which is the most complicated process of them all. Men always ask woman for their phone numbers, and most of the time they get them. Now this doesn’t always mean the lady is going to answer the phone or even return your call. Here are five reasons women give out their phone numbers but never answers or returns the phone call.

 

The idea of perfection is just one of many reason why women give out their numbers, or lead men on.  The hunt is a serious game. There is the idea that maybe this one will be the one, finally! So when a single women is out and about and a man approaches her and asks for her number for a split second that idea pops into her head. What if this is the one? Then reality kicks in and the overthinking woman realizes she was being idealistic and there is no way she would date a guy who couldn’t even put an outfit together. Then the guy calls her and she ignores it and hopes he will get the hint and leave her alone. She quickly will go onto the next guy hoping the same thing. This cycle will continue until she is old and alone and realized she never gave anyone a chance due to her need for perfection.

 

Another scenario of why a women doesn’t answer, or return phone calls is because she may have been too drunk when she easily handed her telephone number to a complete stranger. Upon wakening realizes “what did I do last night?” Then her phone rings with an unknown number, she lets it go to voicemail only to hear some dude saying it was nice to meet you, id love to get together sometime. She wonders who is this dude? Then starts to find pieces of memories trickle back into her consciousness and boom! Oh that guy! I don’t even remember what he looks like. Yikes, what did I say to him? Hopefully he gets the hint when I don’t call him back. Delete!  You see the thing is, women like to party and let loose on the weekends too. We like to get together with our girlfriends, get dressed up and paint the town the red. This also means having a few apple martinis or whiskey sours, which both ultimately lead to getting really wasted. She may have blacked out and is embarrassed to talk to you unknowing what really happened last night.

 

Then there is the good old fashioned girl who cant say no to anyone, let alone a guy who approaches her and asks for her number. Throughout history women have been raised to be polite and please everyone no matter the cost. This cost sometimes is a guy who went out of his way to talk to and or impress a woman who is too nice. She will giggle at your jokes, listen to your story about how you decided to change your job and now are unemployed, and of course accept your free drinks. She will do this all while knowing she isn’t interested but just doesn’t know how to tell you. She will continue with this farce maybe once or twice, but ultimately is hoping you will get the hint when she doesn’t return your phone calls.

 

There is also the grass is greener scenario. You may meet a woman and you two hit it off nicely. Everything is going smooth as silk and you feel on top of the world. Then a few days go by and no return call, then you start to wonder why. Well you see later that day she met another guy who made her feel like butterflies were inside and just like that you are gone from her mind. She no longer remembers that joke you told that made her cry, or that flower you picked as you were walking together. This new dude has taken over those parts. She is now obsessed with the latest dude who found her at the laundry mat after your encounter. She then gets your phone call and remembers you even exist, and decides its better to just let it go and not return your call.

 

Last but not least is research. Women are very detail oriented and become the best detectives and lawyers ever when it comes to relationships. You two may have had an awesome conversation and both felt filled with joy to have met this person. But then she goes home and researches you. Google and Facebook are your worst enemies at this point. She searches your name, your job, your page, and your pictures then she judges you. Who are you friends with? Do you drink too much? Do you post bad jokes that are offensive to women? These are all things a woman is spending her time doing. She is figuring out if you are really the guy she just met or not. If it turns out your not the guy she thought, she won’t return your call. She will judge you, and possibly misjudge you, but nonetheless you are not getting a return call.

 

So gentlemen don’t always blame yourself for why women don’t return your calls. She may have met someone else, she may not be strong enough to tell the truth, she may have been drunk and doesn’t remember what you look like. All you can do is try. Be yourself and not too overbearing and the right woman will return your call one day. When that day comes it will be the right time and the right girl.  Good luck out there!