Ole Mary J

I looked back on this year and at first I was seeing it be depressing and weird. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and creeped out. But really what I see is growth and change. I see me hitting rock bottom and starting over again. I see me waking up to reality and seeing how I wasn’t being myself and how far Ive wondered off my path. I have been dead and resurrected. I am alive. I am okay. I am on a path.

I have never looked at my life is good. I have never been present in the moment and appreciated where I am at. I am trying to change that. I was 5 months fully sober. I told myself to do 6, but for some reason on NYE I wanted to smoke. So I did. I got an old potato and made a bowl from it. I went and found some old weed I had. It was crazy how quickly it made my body hurt. I immediately had pain in my jaw and neck. It was a Chloe Horse of my neck. It was awful for a while. It made me get up and stretch and meditate and focus on what I wanted to do for 2019. This morning I woke up and wanted to smoke more, so I did. I smoked several times and did two paintings and here I am blogging. It makes me alive. I need to find the balance. If I can’t do it I gotta go back to non. I need to respect it and use it as medicine. Today I feel like I am abusing it. Its wild how fast you can go back to your old habits after so long of not engaging. Muscle memory.

I am really in a moral quandary. I think marijuana is a healing herb. It’s medicine. It is also something I over used for 20 years. But it’s been in my life for 20 years, and helped me feel alive for 20 years. Without it I sleep all day and stare and feel lame. I cant leave the house and when I do I like it but I always want to go back to bed. On marijuana I don’t want to lay in bed, I want to do something. It felt nice doing two paintings today. I want to start swimming and moving. Oh it also has been making me motivated to cook. I feel like cooking and creating. I want to do it and I want the flavors and I want to spend time doing it. For the past few months only a handful of times have I felt that way.

So the moral question is this; Is smoking marijuana something that can be in my life in a health way?

I would like to say yes, but I can only say maybe right now, because its not even been 24 hours. I need to go find a good strain that will help me. Maybe I will find one that will make me want to go to the gym and go swimming. or down to the yoga class in hollywood.

Same as it ever was…

Why am I in this constant loop of life?

Its always the same. I work a job that pays well enough and then hate it. I dread going, but want so much stuff. I know working is the only way for me to get money to do and have the things I need but I dont do it. I know that I need to get a therapist and have insurance now, but the list of random names is daunting. I know I should do push ups or even just go for a walk but I still sit and watch tv like its nothing. How do I get motivated?

Do I need meds? Sometimes I hear a small yes in my head others I hear a no fucking way. Will they even help me? How can they help me? Are my chemicals really off? I stopped smoking weed so the mania stopped, but the depression is here to stay it seems. I hear that people take meds and the depression only lasts a short amount of time. I am scared to try anything at all. I keep wanting to try cbd but I dont want to spend the $35-60 but yet I just dropped 50 on renewing this site that rarely post on. The little voice told me to not lose this domain. So I spend the money. I will need it in the future, I bought this like 10 years ago and dont use it, keeping it for the future. There is another Melissa Culbertson out there who I am sure would love to have it. She is a popular author. But I will/want to be that popular author who needs it more! Except I am just sitting in my bed watching mrs maisel and sleeping.

I did get an offer to be a podcast guy producer and partner though! I am hoping that that turns into something good. I am hoping that I find passion in that work and create my own stuff. He talks about wanting to help me push my ideas and maybe it is what I need to do. Maybe I do need help. Maybe its time to take the help and ask for the help. I cant do it on my own, I cant seem to do anything on my own really. Help would be good.

Also why the fuck do I keep thinking about people who arent in my life and dont matter? why the fuck do I go over and over the last talks we had or the good times. I am not even that person anymore. If I were to run into those people what would we have to talk about? NOTHING.

Searching for life’s instruction manual.

I am starting to think I am maybe more scared than I let on. I think maybe I am holding myself back in so many ways and I do not even know how to stop doing it. I feel so much creativity inside me wanting to come out, but yet I still dont do anything to let it free. I dont know how. I am being dead serious. I sit and watch all these other people getting on with their lives and creating something for themselves, and here I am sitting around watching tv or sleeping. I am sober which I always thought was my problem. “when I quit weed it will all happen” well i quit weed and nothings happened. the most I do that is worth anything is floss and brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face. I remember when that was a big one for me. Now I do that and I feel better, but what is that going to get me? health teeth and less wrinkles? cool.

how do i create anything? my paintings are shit and usually just some jumbled subtle type of art therapy for myself. which i guess art is for most people, therapeutic. i feel like i am not good at anything, even thought i know i am good at some stuff. i am a great organizer and thinker. i have lots of ideas and i am an efficient person who can see through problems and find the answers. but what is that going to get me? how do i become successful? serving food? not a fucking chance. that might get my bills paid but i am certain i will feel like i am in the rat race and hate it at some point. i need to create. i need help. who can i even ask for help? what is the help i need?

i pray these answers come to me.

its the new moon! my chance to change! now i just need an instruction manual.

Lessons upon lessons…

I banked my whole move on a restaurant opening up in time, and of course it was mercury retrograde too…so of course its not opening yet. not until October now. i was getting so stressed about money, but this morning something told me to not worry. it will all be okay. then my cousin called and said she wants me to be her PA on her next shoot and im hoping that comes through. Id make enough to pay rent and my one car payment! yay!

I am extremely behind on my bills right now and scared, but i know i must keep the faith. worrying pushes things away. i need to write everyday and be open to opportunities i would not think of normally. I need to be okay with everything I am going through and learning.

Before I moved down here I was certain. Sure of myself. i knew what i was doing and i needed to do it now! it all was working itself out, and it all fell apart as soon as i landed. I need to re-find the faith I had in July and August in myself and my journey. Ive done everything besides work out that my intuition has told me to do. Working out is coming up next for me. I see it happening, it takes time to switch and I am ready and willing, but still a tad lazy like i said in my last post.

My tarot cards today were power and the fool. Both such intense cards and so in what i am doing and dealing with. Trust in my power and the journey. I am starting out fresh and I am working, just not enough for my “plans” and bills. I will survive it will work out. I will get that PA job and I will make a huge paycheck that covers me. I will also start working at the restaurant soon and make boat loads there as well.

New Moon Jan 2018

  1. Last year I was really good at doing intentions for the new moons and following along. I always got what I asked for but didn’t usually do what I intended. I petered off toward the end of the year and didn’t even do a New Years intention. I really fell off. But today I was reminded of a simple practice of writing 10 things you intend for the new moon cycle.

1. Smoke less weed. I originally had wanted to do cold turkey and stop today. I went all day and tried to take magnesium to help calm me naturally and it acted the opposite. It made me more anxious, so I smoked weed. Heavy smoker who is a tad on a manic side with no meds probably shouldn’t stop cold turkey.

2. Eat 5 servings of fruit a week. I’m looking forward to this one! I want to exceed it honestly.

3. Eat more protein shakes! I have so many allergies now that it’s hard to know what to eat, so smoothies is a good plan.

4. Drink 64 ounces of water a day! Duh.

5. Meditate everyday

6. Make a daily gratitude list. I feel like this mixed with the meditation will get me back to a place of positivity.

7. Make peace with the hate in my heart. This one is gonna be big. I have lots of hate and I dislike it! I want to find peace. Hoping the gratitude helps!

8. Talk to your family more. Make it a daily text or chat to keep in better touch.

9. Go to the beach everyday. I am lucky enough to live next to the ocean. I need to go there every single day even if for a minute! Great place to do my gratitude list!

10. Be open to new experiences! I feel stuck in my ways lately and want to be free! So here is to saying yes more than no!

What’s on your list?

its on me.

Today is the drop. the reality hit from the long adventure with people that know me. now i am back to being lonely. i am alone again. alone with my thoughts, and actions. alone with my little dog who cant do anything in this tin bucket except sleep. she has no life in here, same as me. we deserve better than this. we will have better than this.

this is not the life i choose for myself. everything is ending and its time for me to forge on through to the other side. my job is ending. i will lose one of my two jobs starting in april. this is reality, i felt it coming. i can do this…right?…yes, yes i can. I can be a “normal” person. nah actually i cant. i cant be a “normal” person, because there isn’t any normal people anywhere. There are people who fill roles they think they need, but they arent normal. i am learning how to be okay with who i am and what i think and what i feel. its okay to not do certain things or hang out with certain people. its okay.

i am still devastated over my cousin though. every time i see something about sisters or friends or understanding one another, i think of her. we are ripped apart at the seems, and she seems to be okay with it. seems being the key word. i dont assume she is. i know her too well and i think we are both just at a stand still. neither of us know what to do or say or how to move forward. nothing has changed. nothing will until we let it. her dad told me he write her a letter, a hand written letter. every time i go to write it, i get stuck on where to start. i dont know what to say, or how to convey everything i need to. it freezes me.

i dont know how to recreate a friendship with my mother. she seems to need some light in her life, and some help. id like to remember good stories. i feel like i dont have any. i feel like i think she doesn’t either. did we ever click? did she ever love me? did she ever cuddle me? i dont know if i will ever know the answers. my psyche says yes, in her way, but it doesn’t feel like it. my body doesn’t remember it. everyone has let me down. dropped the ball. they would say i forced them to. i just disagree. some jobs are forever, parenting is one of them. both mine never cared much about it, when it came to me. i was the strong one. the one who could take care of herself. i was the one who is strong. but i shouldnt have had to. they were wrong, and neither will ever admit it. its sad to me. i wish they would. it would so easily let the blockage go away and let space to rebuild. their egos won’t allow it yet i guess..both can say the words..both can say they know…but i know they dont feel it.

i am hurt. i am alone. i did this to myself. i made all the choices that lead me here. its on me.