Just a little patience…

I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.

Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do  anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.

I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.

More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.

I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.

Sofia

My dog Sofia

likes to chase bunnies around

my house all day long

she thinks they are food

for her tummy to enjoy

sadly they are not

they say to her this

“can’t we all just get along”

but she licks her lips

Hai-clue

Too much money makes
Not enough purpose in life
To see the small things

Over consumption leads
to poisoning the light in
Everyone but you

When all you have to do
Is open your eyes to see
It was there forever

r-e-l-e-a-s-e-d

the movement of the black round in circles

defies the thoughts that existed in the void

learning and growing into state of the art mind frames

will forever be

there. 

 

2.

breathe deep

heavy thoughts followed by heavy breathes

encounters so finite into the subconscious realm

of understanding the scope of intensity

that will no longer thrive on the plane

of living and sharing under the umbrella of one day. 

 

3.

Unplugged. drained. emptied. 

cleansed. washed. laundered. 

empty. 

 

4. 

chance encounters to help create joy

now available to you forever

no holds bared, no cage, no wonder

grateful for the release. 

 

 

 

Tonight there is a feeling of release, of freedom. Usually this feeling would be welcoming, but in this situation it feels slightly off. Here are some thoughts based on those emotions.

1.

the cool air ascends the clouds

its finally present

you’ve been looking for some time now

an executed cycle has finally come for you.

2.

dont be down said the clown

stare into my cells of my frown

the eyes hold all the mysteries to life

but they also hold some strife

ride the wave of consciousness

it holds much happiness

bottle up and explode, you are free.

3.

shooting upward toward the ceiling

the magical empowerment loses the feeling

words thrown faster than lightening

to face lamentation in the mirror of love, life and death

may be exactly what we all feared.

4.

glances across a room

smiles granted for comfort

released into the universe

to boomerang back into your soul

in a sea of booze, smoke and mirrors.

5.

To run away would be too easy

you are free

free as a bird that flys high

high enough to soar into the sea of golden light

swim upward to the entrance

that is where you will find what you are looking for

dance with the others

solid, green, empty, over flowing, populated, desolate

its up to you.

Magic Oblivion

Lack of sleep brought these poems to me. I hope you enjoy them.

1.

Split open like a coconut ripped from a tree

oozing liquid that was thought to no longer exist

pooling onto the floor left for dead.

Answers the universe refuse to give.

Space time continuum

falling back into place.

Left on the side of the road alone and frightened

you’ve been here before, but its not the same

2.

Lost in a sea of lies, thighs and spies

we synthesize the track of bliss

to end no longer with a kiss

years you may have to miss

will no longer exist

3.

The sweet scent of woman, man and sea

coalesced under the birds screaming from above

danger awaits, but is lovingly placed on the shelf

locked up for no one but essence of infactuation

4.

Collide on the skin with every note

Abend the twists and breaks

Experience mystical moxie exchanged on a whim

to be taken to an assent by a lover

who rewards with acumen so earnestly

Beasts, Savages…Survivors.

I just left the movie theater, and feel very odd. I decided to go see Beasts of Southern Wild. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting myself into. I just knew that when I saw the trailer a few times a while back it made me cry, both times. So I thought on this gloomy day, why not go to a crier? Ah nothing better than those damn movies that make you cry re: The Notebook.

All that being said, I did not cry. I was horrified instead. There were indeed some sad parts to the film, very very deep heart touching moments, but mostly it was horrific. The film was about a group of adults and a few children who choose to live in “the bathtub” after Katrina. They lived in shacks, shambles and booze. These people were not role models to the younger generation by any means. They were rowdy, loud, brash, drunk, abusive and most of all fucked up. While I was watching all this, I also found a beauty in them. They were a community who stuck together. They may have been drunks but they always looked out for each other, and when a storm came and destroyed their homes, they rebuilt, with what they had. These people were warriors, troopers, strong. These lessons that the children were taught were priceless. How to fish, how to build, how to survive.

All these thoughts got me going, and really thinking about society today. What would half of America do if Katrina happened to them? People wouldn’t even know what to think or do. A small percent of the whole population is super rich, and so used to people taking care of them. Or being able to go buy anything they want. We are so wasteful and spoiled as a society. It makes me ill. I make me ill. I was watching this and in the beginning kind of judging them. “ugh how gross, ewe, oh my god that house” were thoughts running through my mind. Luckily the thoughts that followed were “wow what an amazing young girl, I am so lucky, I am blessed to have a home and good food to eat”. I know a lot of my blogs are about thankfulness and gratitude, but I just need to share these thoughts. Spread the love per se.

I thank you for even reading this, and I hope that somehow, someway they help you find your gratitude as well.

ramble on

The moon shines brightly into my bedroom

its midnight and i just returned home from an evening of artistic treasures. 

Charles Bukowski is my inspiration for these words, as he taught me any thought pure and innocent can and should be written. 

in the reflection of my window I see my paintings.

As they stare at me i am reminded of how i have let that side of me go

I should get back to expressing myself in the painting medium. 

the trees are sillotued by the city lights and the near full moon

the crazes will come out soon enough, as they do every two weeks 

when the moon reaches its brightest. 

the currents are pulled deep as well as our emotions. 

my only wish for this evening is to fall asleep, being as the americana did not sit well. 

Life is Fleeting..

Yesterday I saw a butterfly and was reminded of a sentence someone once said “butterflies are there to remind you that life is fleeting” The idea that the butterfly goes through so many transformations from caterpillar to cocoon then is only alive for a short amount of time is mind blowing. It also reminds me of our lives as humans. We go through so many changes and a good amount of different transformations, that we are like the butterflies. The difference is that we don’t always die right away and they do. But we could. Life is precious and short and its time to remember that fact and remember how lucky we are. I know I know this isn’t a new concept by any means, but it has really been sitting with me lately. 

I go through phases of ups and downs and realizations and reminders, then life happens and I easily forget how far up I’ve been in happiness, and get swallowed by stress and daily activities. I forget to take the time to meditate and be with myself and sort things out. I spiral down a zone until one day I wake up and remember and everything feels great again. Right now I am in a phase of re-finding my balance and its hard this time to find my way back. This upsets me so much. My mind knows all of these things, but my body isn’t following along. My mind feels clear and happy, but everything else doesn’t.

Why am I writing this for the world to read? Why am I sharing my problems on my blog? Well to remind myself and you too that things will be okay again. That we need to just take the time to do our things that make us happy day by day and soon enough we will be whole again. Life is filled with ebbs and flows and shit happens, but we always can go back to our happy place. 

Next time you see a butterfly, let them remind you of this too. Life is easy as long as you know how to ride the waves…

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