I am hated for loving

Every time I am honest with you and you don’t like it, we’re over.

This has conditioned me to feel punished when I am honest with you. The worst part about right now is that you have misconstrue what I was saying, or I wasn’t clear, or some sort of crossed wires, because I don’t think the things you said I said. I don’t believe them or think them, and I wish you would ask more questions when you get upset. Inquire, see if what you’re thinking is correct, because sometimes you’re wrong. Or you were high, or i was high and the idea didn’t get across.

this is scary to me. I realized that every time you dont like something you not only close down, you pretty much end us. You say its the end, but in the breathe tell me how amazing I am and give me vows. How was that text not a break up text?

 

This is allllllll too familiar. Down to the texts not being answered. Its formulaic and this is is why we wouldnt work. not any other reason.

Dreams do come true, right?

Things feel really weird and all over the place, but also in the right place. Something has felt off between us since we started again. I kept saying its like a missing piece of the puzzle, almost everything is there except something I couldn’t put my finger on. I still cant, it’s still something, but it feels like we are closer than ever figuring it out. We have some old baggage to go through still and maybe that is the issue.  I think if we can move past all of these bad ones and really own up to how bad things were, maybe talk about it? Maybe then we can really move ahead.

It feels like you feel defeated and see nowhere to go. It does kind of feel like an uphill battle, but also just feels like we need to clean out this closet we’ve been shoving shit into for 6 years and create something new with it. Thats just me though, the forever optimist when it comes to us. Maybe I am naive? Or maybe you’re lacking faith? Or maybe a little of both? I don’t know. I know I would prefer not to go through what we did last time at this stage where you just talked about how its not working and I kept talking about how anything is possible as long as we are willing to forge ahead. And we never make any decision and stay in weird limbo…Opposites again. Can we find a way to accept that we are opposites, but total best friends and enjoy each others company and know each other so well? Can we laugh at our differences and embrace them to help us see other ways? I am not sure what a marriage really entails, but to me it seems like a responsibility every day to keep things in order. Keep the ship tight and close and connected. Have rituals and habits that create closeness. These things to me feel like we already have them. We already have the desire to be closer and connect regularly.  Do our opposites really matter? Do these ACE scores really matter? Doesn’t just choosing to love someone and sticking with that matter? Someone else is going to be a lot of work too, because marriage is a lot of work, is my point.

As this thing was restarting my biggest concern was how we would relate to one another. Would we hear each other out and listen and then communicate nicely, and calmly? Or would we fall into old habits of blame, name calling and yelling? I was pleasantly surprised to see us deal with some hard talks very calmly and lovingly. I felt heard and loved. I was scared that we hadn’t had anything that “poked the bear” in either of us and the worst was yet to come. I feel like I poked your bear a little bit and the lone wolf having to defend himself to the death, no matter who the opponent is comes out to protect you. In those moments I have always thought the same exact thought, “its me! remember, me, who loves you! why are you acting like I’m a stranger” I have come to the conclusion this is part of your defense mechanisms and maybe one you don’t realize you do it, or maybe you do? To me, it’s one that won’t really work in a relationship. Same as my yelling wouldn’t work, or black outs or freak outs. They have no place in a loving, healthy, mature relationship. I think that the only reason we, as humans, get upset ever is because some unresolved childhood issue, or a fear of losing the other person, which i guess is also an unresolved childhood issue. Either way I am trying my best to follow the buddhist way of dealing with it, non attachment. To just love you. I just love you so much and I want your life to be the best it can be, same as my life to be the best it can be. I am being 100 percent honest and open and real about everything I think and I feel. There is nothing I haven’t thought about this that I haven’t shared. If I am not who you choose, or feel is healthy, I love you anyway. Truly.

How does anyone know anything for sure though? Don’t people just try things and see? You said the past is the best predictor of the future, but not in my case. I change all the time and I cant say I have much in common with my 20 year old self, or my 30 year old self or hell even my 39 year old self. I have seen so much of myself and my demons and my reactions to change. I am changing and always will be. So i don’t like that saying, because it doesn’t apply here. It may on your end though, and many other people. I could say people like my dad are great past predictors of the future, he is like a clock.  Same with most people I know really, but not the ones who are constantly striving to change and grow. It’s actually part of my personality test thing it says it on there constantly growing and improving self. I want to be the best I can be.

I don’t know what is going to happen with us, but I do know I need to keep on keeping on. I need to work and save money and get my certificates and create a new life in the healing arts. Start. I just need to start. I need to do this with or without you, so I can try my best to focus on that. I need to start practicing weekly several times a week for the next six months to a-see if I really even want to be a yoga teacher, and b-prepare for it if I do choose. It is good to have a goal, a plan and be on a track to do something more. I may try to get my reiki 2 certificate in the mean time, since its only like 300 dollars and one day of training. I would like to open more to that community. i have seen there are energy healer nights to go do trades at some new age stores, but I would feel like a fraud. I am not an official energy healer, I don’t know what I am doing, but maybe that is the best place to go? To learn? To meet other healers and maybe find someone to shadow and learn under? hmm. maybe that is on the plan too.

I do have a fantasy of us saying periscope, and you getting land and working on that and me doing my yoga thing and working on that and then here comes june and we decide to go for it anyway, and the house is built and ready and i have a certificate to practice anywhere and we live happily ever after….i hope that is true and what happens, because it doesn’t feel like I am meant to be with anyone else, but also seems we have a lot stacked up against us….You have always felt like my other half so I am goin to be believe this is just another test and bump in the road to freedom and happiness together.

Dreams do come true. Right?

world travelers?

I spent some time today considering the future. What would I want to have to make a move? What will I need to feel secure in starting fresh somewhere? I can be a waitress, yes, but I don’t want to only have that. I would prefer to have a certificate or at least be on my way to having it. Lots of online programs I saw where you need to go maybe two weeks somewhere.  I saw there were some in Bali and Kauaii Hawaii too. There is a whole world out there and I don’t want to limit myself to anything anymore.

I like the idea of us doing it together. I immediately feel weird and like id be making you live my dream with me, but I do think it would be bonding like you said, as well as good motivation for both of us to train and prepare for it, together. I feel like if we had a pact to go to the gym and stick to a program together I would be more motivated to do it. I saw the prices were between 1,700-4,000 for the month. It’s a lot of money. Seems like the 1,700 is way more ghetto and if we are in a foreign third world country, I feel like I might prefer a middle of the road one, like maybe 2,200! lol I’ll keep looking. I feel like it would be a good practice to have and a great certificate. I can totally see you as yoga teacher and a BJJ teacher in our own studio. I do have a dream of having my own studio with a bunch of different modalities of healing there.

2020 is coming up and that is clear vision. I am really feeling ready for the new focus on romance, love, connectivity, career, growth, change, maturity and most of all just straight happiness. I feel more and more ready to get out of toxic environments and create serene lifestyle that I am happy in no matter what one other human thinks. I am ready to live a life for me and my family that I create. You and me and our dogs, but dogs after we travel a bunch…maybe next year? 2020 Christmas? Maybe I’ll make us a list of places wed like to explore!

I never in my life thought I would ever really be able to do the things Ive dreamed of. I always felt like my dreams were always meant to be dreams. I have always wanted to go to London and do the whole smiths tour thing. I know it’s cheesy now, but still a dream I’ve had. Im kinda uninterested in Paris…Spain seems cool though and I’ve wanted to see the greek islands Santorini! I like dreaming because they can be planning instead, I just need to work more and make more money and save and I can have anything I want! I am so grateful I figured that out.

true till death

I think I am going through some sort of mid life crisis. I am starting to want to know what I like and what I want and what I think. I feel the change. I feel myself not wanting the same things I did before like a bunch of tv or sleep. I feel myself wanting a situation where I can cook bigger elaborate meals and learn more about vegetables I dont know. I feel myself feeling so scared of trusting love. It is scary to trust love and go for it, but I was thinking and it only makes sense to try things that scare you. I feel like there is a big reward on the other side of it all.

So who am I? What do I dress like? What do I spend my time doing? What do I like to eat? what do I like to do for fun? What inspires me? What is a goal of mine? Like have I ever thought about this stuff for real? I feel like some part of me thinks that I can’t have anything that everyone else does. I am meant to be weird and alone and not have wealth or success and I am meant to be the sidekick and one who gets left behind. I say no to that man! Fuck that thought process. I didnt even really know I was doing that. I dont realize it until I watch something on tv or hear a story then I think oh do i even know what i think about that or how that really feels? I guess that is the phase I am in right now, figuring out who I am and where I want to go.

I do really like the idea of the security and easy life of new jersey. I like the fantasies I have with it. I like the idea of picking out things to put in a home together and going on walks around the the lake. I like the idea of being close to the beach but not too close that we are affected by summer travelers. I want to drive to the beach at 5am on a tuesday morning in august and go swimming and watch the sunrise with you. I want to go to the farmers market and pick our veggies for the week that our meal plan lists. I want us to have a beautiful back yard with lots of flowers and veggies and herbs. I want there to be a few benches I can sit on and a little spot of remembrance for our lost dogs. I want to save a lot of money and create wealth and go on trips. I want to earn a living for myself and excess money and live in san diego when I am older. I want to collect a lot of certificates to build a name for myself as well as a write a book and go on tour speaking about it. I want to spread love. I want to feel independent from my family and not worry about what they will think. I want to have respect for myself and walk away when its unsafe in any conversation or situation I find myself in. I want to be financially secure that I never have to rely on anyone else if an emergency pops up. I want a hefty savings account, stock market portfolio, investments, to own several pieces of real estate and own a business. I WILL have these things and I think I am really on my path to get there.

sometimes I get bummed and think that I am really not doing anything, but its not true. I am mentally preparing for these changes. My coworker told me today I should run my own business because I would be really good at it. I agree. i think I am just finding my confidence in being a leader and as that grows more and more so does my dreams coming true. I think my family has held me back and I dont feel able to be free or to be myself around them. I make myself small and hide my talents and thoughts because they dont feel appreciated. I need to be around people that make me know I am appreciated and my talents are valuable. I am not just an assistant, or a PA, or a runner or anything for anyone elses success. I am working for myself and my success. I want people to stop looking at me in the supporting role. I am only ever the supporting role with many of my family relationships and its time to be the lead. I am the lead role in someones eyes right now and i really really hope that love and respect continues to grow every single day until we die.

cha cha cha changes

I just found out that next Tuesday is the new moon! The very perfect day to start new things and create a new pathway for the upcoming month!! I am so looking forward to the change. I have a feeling life is about to change drastically, for the better!!

I am feeling a change on this blog too. I want it to be more about what I am doing. Like sections based on what I am studying and thinking about. I want a tarot section for the card of the day, and then a section on psychology and processing that, and then one for family issues. I would like to create a space for people to come read articles like I do on their sites. I think maybe I should start taking it more serious and editing, and citing sources, verses just me talking. I mean just me talking is what makes me, me, but it doesnt maybe work for everyone and I would like to be a source that is palatable to all.

I am really enjoying the process of finding myself and learning about me and what I like and dislike. I also am very happy to be able to speak up for my feelings without the need to hide them or make them smaller for anyone else. In the past I used to get small or feel like I maybe shouldn’t listen to myself or my needs because this or that was more important. I have trained myself to not listen to my needs; of course I am codependent! lol. I was thinking about how good I am with lyrics and thought to myself, well if you heard the song enough times you learn the lyrics. It got me thinking about how when youre told something about yourself, or life you learn those lyrics too but instead of being a song, its about you and then alters your view of yourself. I have been told so many time that other things are more important than me, or that I am not good enough or need to wait my turn to get what I want, all standing by while other people get everything they want. I need to just take what I want and make an effort to get what is mine!

rolling eye emoji

I feel like something changed inside me this morning, and thats why I made so much money again. I remembered that I was headed towards something and wanted it. I forgot  I was hungry. i was in a daze. Today my coworker said I was glowing with authority and on my shit. It felt nice because I did feel in control and in charge. I felt good when I remembered that I can manifest what I want. I am back to believing in myself.  I still feel sad though, like this deep sadness. I keep hearing the word “grieving” pop in my head and its like I am grieving my old self. the old way of doing things, the old depedancys, the old addictions. It feels good to let them go, but its also kind of scary to head to the new me. I have no idea who she is, but I am for sure being done relying on anyone for money ever again. I need to start balling like shit so I can move to a place that has a real kitchen and a nice bathtub. Today all I wanted was a nice bath. I knew it would soothe me in a way nothing else can. I know I can have all of this and the only reason, literally ONLY reason I dont have it now is because of laziness. I got comfortable and lazy and fell into the cheap rent and not “needing” a lot of money. I am one big problem away from calling my dad and going right back into that old pattern, that old addiction. its so stupid. I am so addicted to being broke. I never realized because I hate it so much that how on earth could i be addicted do it? Well I realized not everyone loves their addictions. I can easily get a hold of my life, its not that far off track. Even though i feel like I have been asleep at the wheel, I still have created something not too bad. I dont have tens of thousands in debt, i mean unless you count my student loans, which I dint because they are about to be erased) and I am a hard worker.

it’s a yoga and tea type of Friday night

I am almost through with all the weed I have. I feel so good about it. I also deleted my instagram app off my phone and twitter. I have gone to reach for it a few times, but remembered and felt good I didn’t have it. I want to do yoga instead. I think the no social media will give me so much more time to do the things i want to do, as well as no weed. I have maybe two bowls left. I plan to finish it tonight. Sunday is sofia’s birthday, I think that is playing a role in my low mood today. I have slept so much today. It was really intense this morning with all the processing, and also was a really good day off. I haven’t really had one this week.

I made myself some fresh ginger, turmeric, and mint tea…then I made pumpkin, coconut, ginger pasta for dinner. It feels nice to take care of myself. I realized I can change how comfort feels from food. Earlier today I made organic chicken breast and made a little sandwich with basil and mayo..I made that because I was craving chicfila..(awful I know). But I feel so bad about the chicken part. I feel like I really don’t want it, but I also feel like I am not getting what I need until my stomach is healed I need to follow my  cravings for meat.Its funny my stomach hurts so bad right now and I ate a healthy meal, but when i ate the chicken sandwich I felt fine.

I am planning on doing at least a 20 minute yoga before bed tonight to try to create a new bedtime routine. Close to the one we used to talk about. Stretch the body, slow down from the day, meditate (pray). I hope we get to talk to night, but i have a feeling youre already asleep. Hopefully tomorrow morning before I go to work 🙂