I feel so self destructive lately. i keep making bad decisions and i know that i am doing it. its like im doin things and telling myself i shouldn’t do it, but i am doing it anyway. then on the other hand i am strict and weird about things and people.
I went out to my car tonight after spending the day in the house because I didn’t feel well. I decided to go to whole food and grab some dinner. When I got to my car i don’t know if it was unlocked or not because I always push the button as im approaching. I didn’t hear an unlock sound but I wasn’t listening for it. I saw my glove compartment opened and my serving apron out. I had two in the car. The one with my pens was missing as well as my server book. Luckily I had nothing in it, and also luckily I took my purse out of the car, because for some reason lately I have been keeping it in the glove box. I keep asking myself why did this happen? What is my lesson? But I am also wondering if there is a lesson or if its just chance. I suppose thats why there are philosophers out in the world. Does what I do matter as much as I think? Have I been delusional for longer than I could ever imagine?
When I started smoking weed again its because I thought to myself that why should I be so strict? Why do I need to keep myself so tight and strict from every sort of fun thing. I already have most food gone from my diet and I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and working a very part time serving job in LA and sleeping most of the day. Oh and I am going to be 40 in a few weeks. I guess this is normal to be thinking and feeling. I feel like I am ready for the next step in my life. I applied to community college and I am planning on going. I need direction and its all on me to do it.
I feel violated and confused on what was taken from me. Why did that happen to me? Was it only my car? Was I targeted? Is there someone watching me? Or did I happen to unlock it when I heard the other car alarm going off and maybe it unlocked and someone noticed and took advantage of the situation. I also feel like my things were stolen in the mail when I was smoking weed and now here it is again. Am I fucking up by smoking weed? or am i just an unlucky target? I guess I will never know, or maybe I will? Who knows. Either way I am not keeping anything in my car anymore and tomorrow cleaning out the glove box so there is nothing in there besides registration and insurance. And im not gong to smoke weed tomorrow or until later in the week. I am going to practice control.
Look at the rainbow glowing
able to give a smile to all who sneak a peak at its glory
the colors shine through you and through me
we will all be red and orange but what about purple and indigo?
little brown dog sitting on you bed
little brown dog with crusts on your head
little brown dog with eyes so big
little brown dog wishing you could still dig
little brown dog mopes and wishes for the sea
little brown dog with the same heart as me
I looked back on this year and at first I was seeing it be depressing and weird. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and creeped out. But really what I see is growth and change. I see me hitting rock bottom and starting over again. I see me waking up to reality and seeing how I wasn’t being myself and how far Ive wondered off my path. I have been dead and resurrected. I am alive. I am okay. I am on a path.
I have never looked at my life is good. I have never been present in the moment and appreciated where I am at. I am trying to change that. I was 5 months fully sober. I told myself to do 6, but for some reason on NYE I wanted to smoke. So I did. I got an old potato and made a bowl from it. I went and found some old weed I had. It was crazy how quickly it made my body hurt. I immediately had pain in my jaw and neck. It was a Chloe Horse of my neck. It was awful for a while. It made me get up and stretch and meditate and focus on what I wanted to do for 2019. This morning I woke up and wanted to smoke more, so I did. I smoked several times and did two paintings and here I am blogging. It makes me alive. I need to find the balance. If I can’t do it I gotta go back to non. I need to respect it and use it as medicine. Today I feel like I am abusing it. Its wild how fast you can go back to your old habits after so long of not engaging. Muscle memory.
I am really in a moral quandary. I think marijuana is a healing herb. It’s medicine. It is also something I over used for 20 years. But it’s been in my life for 20 years, and helped me feel alive for 20 years. Without it I sleep all day and stare and feel lame. I cant leave the house and when I do I like it but I always want to go back to bed. On marijuana I don’t want to lay in bed, I want to do something. It felt nice doing two paintings today. I want to start swimming and moving. Oh it also has been making me motivated to cook. I feel like cooking and creating. I want to do it and I want the flavors and I want to spend time doing it. For the past few months only a handful of times have I felt that way.
So the moral question is this; Is smoking marijuana something that can be in my life in a health way?
I would like to say yes, but I can only say maybe right now, because its not even been 24 hours. I need to go find a good strain that will help me. Maybe I will find one that will make me want to go to the gym and go swimming. or down to the yoga class in hollywood.
Why am I in this constant loop of life?
Its always the same. I work a job that pays well enough and then hate it. I dread going, but want so much stuff. I know working is the only way for me to get money to do and have the things I need but I dont do it. I know that I need to get a therapist and have insurance now, but the list of random names is daunting. I know I should do push ups or even just go for a walk but I still sit and watch tv like its nothing. How do I get motivated?
Do I need meds? Sometimes I hear a small yes in my head others I hear a no fucking way. Will they even help me? How can they help me? Are my chemicals really off? I stopped smoking weed so the mania stopped, but the depression is here to stay it seems. I hear that people take meds and the depression only lasts a short amount of time. I am scared to try anything at all. I keep wanting to try cbd but I dont want to spend the $35-60 but yet I just dropped 50 on renewing this site that rarely post on. The little voice told me to not lose this domain. So I spend the money. I will need it in the future, I bought this like 10 years ago and dont use it, keeping it for the future. There is another Melissa Culbertson out there who I am sure would love to have it. She is a popular author. But I will/want to be that popular author who needs it more! Except I am just sitting in my bed watching mrs maisel and sleeping.
I did get an offer to be a podcast guy producer and partner though! I am hoping that that turns into something good. I am hoping that I find passion in that work and create my own stuff. He talks about wanting to help me push my ideas and maybe it is what I need to do. Maybe I do need help. Maybe its time to take the help and ask for the help. I cant do it on my own, I cant seem to do anything on my own really. Help would be good.
Also why the fuck do I keep thinking about people who arent in my life and dont matter? why the fuck do I go over and over the last talks we had or the good times. I am not even that person anymore. If I were to run into those people what would we have to talk about? NOTHING.
That is what I am realizing so much these days. No I cant be fiends with you if you’re married, or in a relationship or if we dated. I never really thought about how weird it was until recently. Men and women can not be friends. I used to argue this point so much with men and say it is possible, but I am conceding it is true, no we cant be friends.
Even if both people claim to be uninterested, there still is an interest of some sort. Otherwise why hang out? It doesn’t matter if its platonic or not, it wont always be. One person will always cross the line at some point, or have to lie to their spouse, or it was cause an argument.
I can not imagine my man coming home and saying oh i just had lunch with a coworker thats why im home later. And that coworker being a female. Why? why did you have to hang out? why couldn’t you just chill at work? talk at work? what more was there to say? i must admit this topic is coming up because yesterday i wen out to lunch with a coworker who we carpooled together. That was a bad idea in the first place. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but after I got in the car and realized the amount of intimacy being in the car with someone is, I felt uncomfortable. Then I felt worse when I left with him. It looked like we were fucking. I dont like that. Then we grabbed lunch, another bad idea. What if his wife drove by us having a snack at the grocery store together? I would be so hurt if I were her. I also made plans to have lunch with an old friend for tomorrow, but canceled and said that I would love to meet up with hm and his wife, but not him alone. I have learned my lesson. No more friends with dudes, unless their wives are there too. It just is shady af. I am so glad I took a step back and realized this information. I will no longer be in an awkward situation with a man again. Lessons upon lessons.
history means so much…it could mean we have a lot of history, or we are history like no longer a thing. so many people in my world are both and its been hitting me hard these days. i am having trouble realizing that its okay that people aren’t my friends anymore. i try to think about what it would be like to sit and hang out with them and if i even would want to, and most of the time the answer is no. its almost like the access is the problem. i dont like not having access to old friends/lovers. its like how can we spend so much time tighter and be so close, but now we are nothing. we all turn into somebody we used to know. is that how its supposed to be? is life supposed to be a series of people who come and go and you dont know anymore? what is the point of even meeting people then? what is the point of life? is it to go meet people and lose them and learn from each experience? i didn’t sign up for this. i want connection all the time, but if its going to just go away why bother?
what the fuck.