Things feel really weird and all over the place, but also in the right place. Something has felt off between us since we started again. I kept saying its like a missing piece of the puzzle, almost everything is there except something I couldn’t put my finger on. I still cant, it’s still something, but it feels like we are closer than ever figuring it out. We have some old baggage to go through still and maybe that is the issue. I think if we can move past all of these bad ones and really own up to how bad things were, maybe talk about it? Maybe then we can really move ahead.
It feels like you feel defeated and see nowhere to go. It does kind of feel like an uphill battle, but also just feels like we need to clean out this closet we’ve been shoving shit into for 6 years and create something new with it. Thats just me though, the forever optimist when it comes to us. Maybe I am naive? Or maybe you’re lacking faith? Or maybe a little of both? I don’t know. I know I would prefer not to go through what we did last time at this stage where you just talked about how its not working and I kept talking about how anything is possible as long as we are willing to forge ahead. And we never make any decision and stay in weird limbo…Opposites again. Can we find a way to accept that we are opposites, but total best friends and enjoy each others company and know each other so well? Can we laugh at our differences and embrace them to help us see other ways? I am not sure what a marriage really entails, but to me it seems like a responsibility every day to keep things in order. Keep the ship tight and close and connected. Have rituals and habits that create closeness. These things to me feel like we already have them. We already have the desire to be closer and connect regularly. Do our opposites really matter? Do these ACE scores really matter? Doesn’t just choosing to love someone and sticking with that matter? Someone else is going to be a lot of work too, because marriage is a lot of work, is my point.
As this thing was restarting my biggest concern was how we would relate to one another. Would we hear each other out and listen and then communicate nicely, and calmly? Or would we fall into old habits of blame, name calling and yelling? I was pleasantly surprised to see us deal with some hard talks very calmly and lovingly. I felt heard and loved. I was scared that we hadn’t had anything that “poked the bear” in either of us and the worst was yet to come. I feel like I poked your bear a little bit and the lone wolf having to defend himself to the death, no matter who the opponent is comes out to protect you. In those moments I have always thought the same exact thought, “its me! remember, me, who loves you! why are you acting like I’m a stranger” I have come to the conclusion this is part of your defense mechanisms and maybe one you don’t realize you do it, or maybe you do? To me, it’s one that won’t really work in a relationship. Same as my yelling wouldn’t work, or black outs or freak outs. They have no place in a loving, healthy, mature relationship. I think that the only reason we, as humans, get upset ever is because some unresolved childhood issue, or a fear of losing the other person, which i guess is also an unresolved childhood issue. Either way I am trying my best to follow the buddhist way of dealing with it, non attachment. To just love you. I just love you so much and I want your life to be the best it can be, same as my life to be the best it can be. I am being 100 percent honest and open and real about everything I think and I feel. There is nothing I haven’t thought about this that I haven’t shared. If I am not who you choose, or feel is healthy, I love you anyway. Truly.
How does anyone know anything for sure though? Don’t people just try things and see? You said the past is the best predictor of the future, but not in my case. I change all the time and I cant say I have much in common with my 20 year old self, or my 30 year old self or hell even my 39 year old self. I have seen so much of myself and my demons and my reactions to change. I am changing and always will be. So i don’t like that saying, because it doesn’t apply here. It may on your end though, and many other people. I could say people like my dad are great past predictors of the future, he is like a clock. Same with most people I know really, but not the ones who are constantly striving to change and grow. It’s actually part of my personality test thing it says it on there constantly growing and improving self. I want to be the best I can be.
I don’t know what is going to happen with us, but I do know I need to keep on keeping on. I need to work and save money and get my certificates and create a new life in the healing arts. Start. I just need to start. I need to do this with or without you, so I can try my best to focus on that. I need to start practicing weekly several times a week for the next six months to a-see if I really even want to be a yoga teacher, and b-prepare for it if I do choose. It is good to have a goal, a plan and be on a track to do something more. I may try to get my reiki 2 certificate in the mean time, since its only like 300 dollars and one day of training. I would like to open more to that community. i have seen there are energy healer nights to go do trades at some new age stores, but I would feel like a fraud. I am not an official energy healer, I don’t know what I am doing, but maybe that is the best place to go? To learn? To meet other healers and maybe find someone to shadow and learn under? hmm. maybe that is on the plan too.
I do have a fantasy of us saying periscope, and you getting land and working on that and me doing my yoga thing and working on that and then here comes june and we decide to go for it anyway, and the house is built and ready and i have a certificate to practice anywhere and we live happily ever after….i hope that is true and what happens, because it doesn’t feel like I am meant to be with anyone else, but also seems we have a lot stacked up against us….You have always felt like my other half so I am goin to be believe this is just another test and bump in the road to freedom and happiness together.
Dreams do come true. Right?