Can we still be friends?

NO.

That is what I am realizing so much these days. No I cant be fiends with you if you’re married, or in a relationship or if we dated. I never really thought about how weird it was until recently. Men and women can not be friends. I used to argue this point so much  with men and say it is possible, but I am conceding it is true, no we cant be friends.

Even if both people claim to be uninterested, there still is an interest of some sort. Otherwise why hang out? It doesn’t matter if its platonic or not, it wont always be. One person will always cross the line at some point, or have to lie to their spouse, or it was cause an argument.

I can not imagine my man coming home and saying oh i just had lunch with a coworker thats why im home later. And that coworker being a female. Why? why did you have to hang out? why couldn’t you just chill at work? talk at work? what more was there to say? i must admit this topic is coming up because yesterday i wen out to lunch with a coworker who we carpooled together. That was a bad idea in the first place. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but after I got in the car and realized the amount of intimacy being in the car with someone is, I felt uncomfortable. Then I felt worse when I left with him. It looked like we were fucking. I dont like that. Then we grabbed lunch, another bad idea. What if his wife drove by us having a snack at the grocery store together? I would be so hurt if I were her. I also made plans to have lunch with an old friend for tomorrow, but canceled and said that I would love to meet up with hm and his wife, but not him alone. I have learned my lesson. No more friends with dudes, unless their wives are there too. It just is shady af. I am so glad I took a step back and realized this information. I will no longer be in an awkward situation with a man again. Lessons upon lessons.

m

you and me we’re history…

history means so much…it could mean we have a lot of history, or we are history like no longer a thing. so many people in my world are both and its been hitting me hard these days. i am having trouble realizing that its okay that people aren’t my friends anymore. i try to think about what it would be like to sit and hang out with them and if i even would want to, and most of the time the answer is no. its almost like the access is the problem. i dont like not having access to old friends/lovers. its like how can we spend so much time tighter and be so close, but now we are nothing. we all turn into somebody we used to know. is that how its supposed to be? is life supposed to  be a series of people who come and go and you dont know anymore? what is the point of even meeting people then? what is the point of life? is it to go meet people and lose them and learn from each experience? i didn’t sign up for this. i want connection all the time, but if its going to just go away why bother?

what the fuck.

 

Music is my boyfriend

tonight i saw one of the most epic shows of my life. Its up there with radiohead at the tower and beach house in a church…Broken Social Scene. Ive love this band for so many years, and a dude I liked introduced me to them, and I kinda took it upon myself to love them in my own ways..I got to see them one time real quick in berkeley but tonight was tops. It was the end of their tour and they had the whole old gang back together. They were supposedly going to play “you forgot it in people” in its entirety, but instead played so many songs off all different albums and killed each one. The energy they had they energy the crowd had was so incredible. It was tangible. They were crying on stage, i was crying in the audience. It felt intimate and romantic. it was special. i know they thought it was special too. I feel so blessed to have been there. I wish I wasnt reminded of the las time i was there and who i saw play on that stage. i cant let go of some of those memories negative emotions. but i am trying to not let it all be ruined. there were good times too.

 

  1. (With horns)
  2. (La Force cover)
  3. (Stars cover)
  4. (Debut)
  5. (“Total Eclipse of the Heart” tag)
  6. Its all gonna break, sing along.

Truth.

Today I pulled the honesty card and I was kinda confused on why i pulled it, until I talked to my sisters boyfriend. I would normally say he doesn’t know me so well, but it seems he knows me better than I thought. He told me he knows he can always count on me to be honest about whats going on and to always cough up what I have done first and admit it. This made me proud of myself. I am someone who admits my wrong doings immediately, even when I don’t want to, I still do. Its like my body cant let it go until I tell the truth. The other day I was kind of an asshole to my cousin and it was my shit that I reacted to, and she told me not to sass her, and I stupidly said, well don’t you sass me, which she wasn’t. I wrestled with that sentence for about a half hour after it happened and decided I needed to swallow my pride and say I am sorry. I was wrong. I knew I was, but I did not want to say sorry. I wanted to let it go, but I knew that wasn’t correct either. I did say sorry as soon as I saw her and she blew it off and said she didn’t even think of it, but I felt better. I said I want to be better than just allowing a bad mood or word to come out of my mouth. I want to be better than most people. I am starting to realize I am pretty on top of it. I judge myself because I don’t formally meditate or do yoga, or speak like a new age goddess, but I am one. I am aware and I am honest and I am proud of myself.

My friend who’s much younger than me called me the other day and told me her problems and said she really kept thinking of me and what I would do in her situation and it helped her. She told me she thought about how I don’t let anyone stay around me that isn’t good for me and how I always look out for whats best for myself in a loving way. I was taken a back. What a compliment. She had also told me she wanted to talk to me because she knew I would be there for her. I am so happy that I am a positive influence  on people around me.

 

On another note I really miss my ex. He and I had a terrible romantic relationship, but lovely friendship. As I was talking to my sisters boyfriend I realized how much he helped me stop being an entitled, clueless person floating around the world expecting everything to just happen without putting any effort into life. He saved my life. If youre reading this Cheemie, Thank you. I truly appreciate you and credit you to helping save my life. I am sorry we arent talking right now. I need the space to heal from the bad stuff, but I think of you everyday. I am sure you feel the same way. Lots to process. I love you and appreciate you.

Nothing good happens quickly…

I am changing and accepting my change. I accept that I have a lot of grief. I have so much grief in my life and Ive constantly ignored it. I started to see it for what it was, loss. Sadness on loss. I have lost so much in the past few years and I never really stopped to think about it. It would come to me in pieces of memories and I would push them away because they hurt me too much. It hurt to remember those bad memories and I would quickly go to an excuse on what happened and why it was okay, rather than accepting that it hurt and i was sad. Why did I do this? Because its easy to push it away and pretend its all okay, even when it not. It persisted because I never acknowledged it. I am suffering from the sadness of loss. Loss of friends, family, time, money, health, activity, my dogs life (she’s still alive, but I have a lot of grief over the way I neglected her for the past few years) I ask myself what does acceptance really mean? I think I know now it means to just say yes, I am sad. It hurts that so and so isn’t your friend anymore. It hurts that you acted this way, it hurts that you didn’t listen when people told you how to not suffer. It hurts that humans are well meaning but only can last for so long with you down your darkness. It hurts that you didn’t have the parents you deserved. It hurts that you know your mother does not care about you how she cares for your siblings. It hurts that your father is with a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t do anything about it. That’s the real pain, the true deep pain. LOSS. Loss of “what ifs” and “should be”. I should have been raised by a smart psychologically well off family who would have known how to help me and kept me protected and raised me with the right foods and exercise. To be raised in a household that honored my intelligence and had me reading and read to every day. A family that taught me how to cook and at eat together and openly communicate with love not anger. To be taught how to love and be open and to know love doesn’t hurt. These are things every human deserves, but honestly not every human gets. Most people don’t get that type of upbringing. Most people are raised in broken homes, that are poor and undereducated on how to raise another human.

I heard my cousin the other day say “We cant pay back the past, we can only pay forward”. This stuck out to me, because I felt like I could do it myself. I cant pay myself back for all the lost time and education and love, but I could pay it forward to myself. I can train myself like a child, mother myself to learn how to cook and exercise and to read and educate. I am way smarter than I ever thought I was. I have proven to myself that I can learn and understand and change. That takes intelligence. Just because I don’t know chemistry or haven’t been published doesn’t mean I am not smart. It means I haven’t pushed myself enough.

The past few days I have been pushing myself little by little to change my lack of movement. I started walking with my cousin on Tuesday, September 11th. Odd day to start, but kind of makes sense. I met up with her and we walked for a half hour. Then the next few days I met her at 6am and we did an intense work out up the hill. Yesterday we didn’t meet up, but I did a quick 15 minutes around the neighborhood and today I woke up and did a 15 minute yoga video. Thats 5 straight days of movement! I am proud of myself, but also been hard on myself too. I have been so tired and taking naps and feeling so exhausted. I yell at myself for being lazy and should be doing something else besides sleeping! The little voice inside says, rest, you will be busy soon enough. I always feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth by sleeping and resting when I could be achieving something. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe rest is achieving something. During this rest I did recognize my grief and my loss. During this rest I did see how food has been affecting me negatively. During this rest, I got to see how I interact with people and how it makes me feel. Anytime I was asked to show up for someone I have. Anytime I had offered for work, I have went. I am starting a week long production job today filled with 12 hour days and lots of new things, and new people. I have been nervous about it, but I really don’t have to be. I “should” feel confident in myself. The job I am doing doesn’t take anything more than patience and understanding and movement. I have some of those things. Patience I am still working on, but it will be fine. It will be meditative. I am organizing clothing. Thats all I have to do today. This week I will be fed, so I don’t have to spend too much money on food. I am also getting paid enough money to pay my upcoming rent as well as car payment. It is amazing! I feel this will lead to more jobs as well in the future. I am setting myself up, and I have not been lazy, Ive been preparing. I know everything I need to do to be successful for this job and for life.

Movement, my teas, whole foods and good sleep. Thats all I need to do, oh and be patient with myself, and the process. Nothing good happens quickly.

Always trust your gut

Tonight i had a reminder to always trust my gut..I had had a feeling with a friend for many years that always somewhere in the back of my mind said “there is a darkness in there”. I got to feeling desperate about my living situation and was about to move in with this person. Yesterday there was a reminder of something that had happened 6 years ago that never sat right with me and tonight something happened that reminded me of someone else that I know isnt good for me. They are too alike. There is something off about it, and I am okay to be their friend, but not okay to live with them. I immediately spoke my truth about my feelings than said I cant live with you. They didnt argue. They knew I was seeing something inside they’ve tried to hide for many years. Its always there, the darkness. People show you themselves all the time you just need to trust your gut and feel confident in yourself.

This song goes out to you, friend. As well as other people Ive always believed I couldn’t trust and they’ve proven me right over the years

 

Moving forward…..

Ask and you shall receive. I am asking for an affordable place to live alone, close to my family for me and my dog that has a washer/dryer on site, a parking spot, a bath tub, in a safe neighborhood and nobody lives above me, and oh hardwood floors. No more than 1300. I will find this magical place and it will be mine. I am thinking November 1st. I can deal with this spot another 6 weeks while I save and get my place. It will come. I am asking and I will get it. I will wait for it to come. All the pieces will line up and I will have what I need and want.

My job will also start soon and come to me. I want to be working on productions. I want to be on set and waitress part time and keep working for my boss now. I want to have my hands in something artistic and something that makes me money and something comfortable to do on my own time. That would be those there things. I really want to work where I feel comfortable and makes me at least 250-300 a day. I will have enough money to take care of myself, my mental health and create a career as a healer. GOD do you hear me? I want these things. Tell me what I need to do to get them and I will listen. Thank you.

Right by your side..?

I realized looking through old pictures that i “used” to be so hot, confident and happy. I had my ups and downs but i LIVED! I used to live a life. I would go out, i had lots of friends and traveled a ton. I would do things all the time, and I had fun. Now I feel like an ugly old lady who hides in her house all the time and is scared to live. this is from 5 years of being in a controlling, abusive relationship. I cant say he was alone in the abuse, I played my role too. But I ALWAYS tried to lift him up, ALWAYS was his support system, and he would be mine too, later. In the beginning of the relationship he used to tell me how I dressed and my makeup was lame and I was too old to be acting certain ways and he didnt a woman “like that”. He didnt make me change my phone number and stop talking to people, but would cause trouble and problems if I didnt. When I would get late night texts from guy friends on the west coast while on the east coast it would cause the worst fights. It was just easier for me to cut everyone off and avoid the fights. I would do anything to avoid a fight with him, but it always happened anyway because he didnt trust me. I did lie to him about something that happened before we met, but I made good on that, and then I felt like I needed to tell him every single thing that I did or that happened to me. He blamed me for so much of it and hated it. He never left me though, we just stayed in this pool of distrust and love mixed together. I never left him either, because I have a fear of abandonment and felt like he was my “one”. I couldn’t leave the love of my life. I stayed for almost 5 full years in what I can now look back and say was an extremely abusive relationship mixed with some of the most awakening times in my life. He taught me so much about myself and helped me look at my behaviors and how they weren’t how I wanted to be. He also was a mess himself and would blame me for things and still does actually. Its still my fault to him. He never said sorry because he thinks things were my fault. I thought so too for so long.

I was talking about one of the things that had happened between us and the person i was telling was shocked and could not believe i ever talked to him again after that happened, and it happened again two more times! I kept going back even though i had all the proof i shouldn’t. i couldn’t help myself. he was like a drug. i was addicted to the “love”. The “love” i was taught in my own household growing up. I didn’t know what real love was supposed to look like. My mother never showed me or taught me and anyone else who tried was sweet but it would all go away when I would be home in that house with that type of love. I only ever saw sharp tongues and mean looks and pushiness be shown as love. I never saw positive touch or even hugs. Was never told “I love you, goodnight” I didnt even ever feel worthy of love, until him. I was never good enough for him, and I now feel not good enough for anyone. I feel defective and ugly. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever, because its all I can handle. I feel like too much for anyone. He made me know I was too much for anyone else. I have countless emails from him saying “nobody will ever love you, you’ll never have anyone again”.

I can imagine him reading this in terror and shock that I feel this way being as though  we have been on good terms for a while. We officially ended things this summer, but remained friends since we’ve known each other since we were kids. He knew me best, and vice versa. I thought I needed him forever in my life, but the more the memories piled on and I remembered things that had happened and his reactions and behaviors towards me, I realized I needed to step back. I need to heal from the relationship. i don’t think he is a bad person, but i think people were right..we were like oil and water. Neither bad, we just didn’t mesh well. It made no sense to me for so long, since we were best friends and had so much fun. We really only ever had alone though. Anytime we were with other people he would be weird to me, and avoid me. He said its becauseI would cause a fight and I believed him. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I think that i was psychologically manipulated and scared due to my own mental health issues that I was just in a constant state of reaction to protect myself the only way I knew how, as well as loved the only way I knew how-through anger.

I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be successful and fall in love and have children and make the best life ever. I want it for me too, I am scared I will never get it though. I am scared our time together stole that from me. I am scared I will never be pretty again or lovable. I am scared I will kill myself one day because of it all. I am scared you will kill yourself too.