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I feel like something changed inside me this morning, and thats why I made so much money again. I remembered that I was headed towards something and wanted it. I forgot  I was hungry. i was in a daze. Today my coworker said I was glowing with authority and on my shit. It felt nice because I did feel in control and in charge. I felt good when I remembered that I can manifest what I want. I am back to believing in myself.  I still feel sad though, like this deep sadness. I keep hearing the word “grieving” pop in my head and its like I am grieving my old self. the old way of doing things, the old depedancys, the old addictions. It feels good to let them go, but its also kind of scary to head to the new me. I have no idea who she is, but I am for sure being done relying on anyone for money ever again. I need to start balling like shit so I can move to a place that has a real kitchen and a nice bathtub. Today all I wanted was a nice bath. I knew it would soothe me in a way nothing else can. I know I can have all of this and the only reason, literally ONLY reason I dont have it now is because of laziness. I got comfortable and lazy and fell into the cheap rent and not “needing” a lot of money. I am one big problem away from calling my dad and going right back into that old pattern, that old addiction. its so stupid. I am so addicted to being broke. I never realized because I hate it so much that how on earth could i be addicted do it? Well I realized not everyone loves their addictions. I can easily get a hold of my life, its not that far off track. Even though i feel like I have been asleep at the wheel, I still have created something not too bad. I dont have tens of thousands in debt, i mean unless you count my student loans, which I dint because they are about to be erased) and I am a hard worker.

it’s a yoga and tea type of Friday night

I am almost through with all the weed I have. I feel so good about it. I also deleted my instagram app off my phone and twitter. I have gone to reach for it a few times, but remembered and felt good I didn’t have it. I want to do yoga instead. I think the no social media will give me so much more time to do the things i want to do, as well as no weed. I have maybe two bowls left. I plan to finish it tonight. Sunday is sofia’s birthday, I think that is playing a role in my low mood today. I have slept so much today. It was really intense this morning with all the processing, and also was a really good day off. I haven’t really had one this week.

I made myself some fresh ginger, turmeric, and mint tea…then I made pumpkin, coconut, ginger pasta for dinner. It feels nice to take care of myself. I realized I can change how comfort feels from food. Earlier today I made organic chicken breast and made a little sandwich with basil and mayo..I made that because I was craving chicfila..(awful I know). But I feel so bad about the chicken part. I feel like I really don’t want it, but I also feel like I am not getting what I need until my stomach is healed I need to follow my  cravings for meat.Its funny my stomach hurts so bad right now and I ate a healthy meal, but when i ate the chicken sandwich I felt fine.

I am planning on doing at least a 20 minute yoga before bed tonight to try to create a new bedtime routine. Close to the one we used to talk about. Stretch the body, slow down from the day, meditate (pray). I hope we get to talk to night, but i have a feeling youre already asleep. Hopefully tomorrow morning before I go to work 🙂

wake up wake up wake up

i know its been annoying the last couple days, cough, years with me and my cousin. Its such an interesting relationship. We are like sisters, but not. We say sister, but in reality when she does family type things, her sister is her two sisters, not me. Remember when I wasn’t in the family photo? I am told to stop feeling like an outsider and to stop feeling like I dont belong, but then in many ways am I shown that I dont fully belong. I am great to be around for holidays and important events, but if there is just me and my kids day, or me and my siblings day, I’m left out. Its why i think I feel like margo tennenbaum. She was family but Royal always treated her as not…same with my step dad. He literally would buy candy for my siblings and not me and say its because i wasnt his kid. In retrospect was I used as bait? Did he do and say those things to upset my mom and pick a fight? Did she defend me? I wonder. I am all over the place with my thoughts, but I am in the middle of processing so that’s what it looks like..

I came to write this about co-dependancy. I am super codependent with her and I never really realized it before. I always thought that was just in romantic partnership, but I am starting to see how if you’re truly codependent that it bleeds into all close relationships. I also realized I am scared to talk to her. She is so hard to talk to. She gets heated and raises her voice and throws jabs, and mocks and can be mean and like a bully. If you dont agree with what she truly does she will fight till the death. I need to use my knowledge of her to be able to navigate a conversation with her. If I can anticipate what she will bring when I talk to her about our issues, then maybe it can actually be productive. I usually end up mirroring her back and we get nowhere. If I counter these bad behaviors and deflect and breathe and stay in control, I bet I can get my point across. Maybe this is part of releasing codependency. Maybe just knowing what you think and feel and finding a way to express it in a way it can be heard and adjusted without conflict is independence.

Its funny that I find myself here again with her. I have come to these conclusions before, but i didn’t live close to her when I did and so it helped me with the need to talk to her everyday and changed that pattern that we had been in for so many years. We went from always being in contact to only sometimes, and I see her being in constant contact with others, because honestly she’s codependent too. Her and i actually have kind of a toxic relationship. It’s totally on accident and its because we grew up together and haven’t had much conversations about us and what we have been through. We kind of just go through stuff then move on. She probably would disagree with this because she thinks she says she lets things go and moves on. As much as we can let go of incidents and situations if there are constant threads throughout life, they become resentments. I dont know what she resents me for, but I know what I resent her for. I resent her for her trying to control me. She always has an opinion about what I am doing, wearing, eating, buying, moving, working, etc. It makes it hard to feel like I am allowed to be an individual around her. I feel like I must conform to what she feels is correct and right. Everything else is shit. It has been hard to break free from this because of how much I admire and respect her. I know how smart she is and how much effort she puts into learning things, so I struggle. I see her husband struggle too with his own processes, and honestly I see her struggle because she feels she knows because she did the work and is saving everyone else time to tell them to cut the chase and here is the correct answer. A lot of the time she is right if it has to do with a food product, or something you can buy. But it is impossible to be right if it has to do with a persons feelings or choices. I have to learn how to not let this affect me so much. Her word is not the gospel for me, even though I have lived that way for 40 years, most of the time unaware of what religion i was following. The word of K. Praise be to she is correct and all knowing. No need to think for yourself or do any research! If you do she will counter you and wear you down until you leave the conversation or agree with her! wow. What an awakening for me. I feel so much lighter and free now that I have come to this realization and now can adjust my exceptions, behaviors and thoughts. I am breaking free from unconscious restraints and I am loving it. These awarenesses are life changing. I am in such a special time of growth and learning and releasing and waking up. I feel like I have been building up to this for a few months at least. I am seeing the results of the work I am doing and thinking and processing. I am also being blessed with my best friend and love of my life, which is such a shining light that is helping guide me towards releasing all of these life long chains I’ve been carrying around for no reason. I am so grateful. Thank you.

40 and childless

is never weird until you find yourself surrounded by a bunch of women and a new baby and everyone gushing over the baby and telling stories about their babies and their lives and I just sit there lost and uninterested as if I was stuck sitting in a room with a political debate. My family has no idea what my life is like, but they for sure have a better idea of each others lives.

i cant wait to have a lot of dogs and you and walks and trips and nature and happiness and lots of sex and good food. ❤

Sleeping Bew-t

This movie has always resonated with me. I always felt some kinship with Aurora. There is something about her name that stuck with me too. I always thought it was going to be my daughters name, but as I write this I wonder if it will be my next dogs name. That I can call roar for short. I like it. When I thought of it for a girls name it was going to be spelled Aroara. So hey maybe the next pup, roar will roar into my life when the time is right!

Back to sleeping beauty; They used to call me sleeping beauty as a child, because I was always sleeping. AKA I was depressed. I remember they thought I was on drugs too because I was sleeping. It didn’t occur to them that I was having emotional issues. I mean how could it, it still doesn’t occur to them that they are having emotional issues. I need to forgive my aunts for that overlook. Same with my aunt when i got a clinical title of depression and told I needed therapy and meds, and she didn’t enforce it at all. My family is clueless to themselves and I have to forgive them for that. It doesn’t help me to keep feeling slighted or not seen by people who cant even see themselves. They didn’t put the oxygen mask on first and are gasping for air themselves. I had wondered for years why that movie stuck so deep in me. Why did it have this special space in my heart. Its not a nice story at all.

A young baby is born and immediately cursed to die before she turns 16, then the curse is turned to fall asleep until true loves kiss. *** weird I almost just wrote, how does a 16 year old have a true love to even kiss, how is that possible at 16, then I remembered us.*** so then this little baby is taken away from her family for 16 years to live in the woods with three fairies and on her birthday meets this handsome man while she is out in the woods singing and hanging out with her forest friends. They dance and fall in love and then go home and tell their people about it and are met with disagreements. She is told she has to go back home to be a princess and marry some dude she doesn’t know. She gets upset but is taken away anyway and the dude tells his dad, about her but he says no way you’re supposed to marry this princess. He says no way. Then the witch comes and puts her under a spell and makes her touch the spindle which is part of the prophecy and then she is asleep. The whole town is waiting for her and the fairies then put everyone to sleep and go on a mission to find this dude she’s in love with to save her, but the witch gets him first and puts him in prison. He escapes with the faires help and the witch does all this stuff to make him not be able to get to her, but true love wins and he kisses her and then they end up happy forever.

I would have a go to and say my mom is the witch. She tried to keep me from happiness and always wanted me dead. But is that even true? Was it even that intentional? She was just reacting all the time to unknown emotions. I most likely triggered her all the time, which is why she hated me. I was just a kid, I didn’t know anything and she was just a kid and didn’t know anything either. It’s sad really.

I had another thought this morning about how much others affect me and my decisions in my life. For many years I would consult my friends, cousins, aunts, dad, anyone who would listen before I made a decision. I would take all of their opinions and then choose. I would see how they felt before I did. I am not even sure I knew what I felt. The one decision I did make without anyones help, or advice was moving to philly after we met. It felt so right and easy. Of course I would do this. I got a lot of push back but didn’t care. I went with it and it did change my life for the better, so I am happy i made it. I found an old journal entry that said I called then named 5 people to see if I should go to California for 6 weeks to trim. like wow. i did not trust myself at all. It was intense. Its a great reminder to myself to stay true to myself and what my body tells me. I am really enjoying myself right now because I am doing something for me, and keeping something sacred and safe away from judgement and distrust. I am keeping us safe like we used to talk about. It feels good to be responsible and honest and open and loving and most of all accepting of change and growth. I guess sleeping beauty isn’t a story about me in general, maybe its about me before..its another movie made to make women feel like they need to be rescued. Maybe i believed I needed to be recused and thats why I let it out and  thought you’d save me. And it’s funny because you did. You rescued me from the possible lifelong torture of not knowing myself. It turns out you’re my knight in shining armor.

Im soooooo tired…

I want to know how to go about becoming a yogi. I mean does it just require going to yoga everyday? I am already eating how a yogi eats, if not more strict…I am meditating everyday for at least 3 minutes right now…which i do plan to increase as time goes on. I am interested in learning more about kundalini and I look forward to going to class tomorrow and seeing how it feels. I keep saying I need to do this or that, and then I dont follow through so well. I am tired, a lot. I think its my autoimmune. I said to my nutritionist today that I am looking forward to when my gut is healed and my body isnt fighting itself all the time to see how much more energy I have. She said you will see a big increase. So I guess i shouldn’t be hard on myself about it, I am resting because I am healing.

Today her and I also discussed perfectionism and she said almost the same sentence as you about not overthinking and just going with what feels good to me. She said that there will never be a diet that works forever. There is nothing that will work the same way forever and we talked about that a little bit more and its just true. All things change and there are seasons for things…like you say. Its about establishing a healthy baseline that you always go back to. I like the idea of that, to have a stable routine to have as your foundation which is what I am working on all together. What is my baseline exercise, spiritual practice, food prep, finances…I love that I am actually interested in learning and cultivating these things for myself. I dont feel the need to taylor them to anyone else but me, and I am getting closer to the spot of really not caring what anyone in the world thinks of me and my life choices. I am the one who wakes up with myself everyday and I know what feels good and real and what feels fake and shitty. Not one other person can presume they know how I feel and experience the world.

I feel so good right now, even though I feel so bad, physically. I feel supported and loved and heard and connected. I haven’t felt connected in so long. I feel like there is a reason to do things and have things to learn and talk about. I have an interest in life again. There is someone to share it with. Someone who actually asks me questions about my feelings and listens and wants to know and doesn’t judge or offer advice. Its so lovely to have that. Its special what we have. Deep understanding and love. We just want to care for each other, and create a simple, peaceful life. I believe we are on our way, I feel more peace than I have in a while. Thank you. ❤

 

State of love and trust

As I sit here and scrub my brain to figure out what is exactly going on I realized this right here is old recipe. This whole fear of you hating me for saying what I thought. Going over and over everything I did and said and wrote to see where I messed up. But I didn’t mess up at all. I said some stuff I thought about, like I always do and it doesn’t feel good to you. I can only apologize for hurting you but I can’t change it or force you to tell me what is going on. That is the old pattern. Force until you share. You withhold for whatever reasons you have. Your brain is different than mine. You react differently than I do. This is what I never remembered before. I would get so upset due to old patterns and people pleasing that I just wanted the bad feelings to go away…by any means. That is unhealthy. The feelings I have right now are unhealthy. It’s all a growing process and learning process. I can learn to trust. Learn to trust I will know what you think when the time is right and to trust it is okay and you will still love me no matter thr outcome. I will trust that this one thing won’t ruin me or destroy my life. That’s how it feels with you. Like everything is so life changing crazy and heavy and awesome all at the same time. It matters. You matter. There is a weight of love and trust that I never really understood before. I’m trying my best to now practice Patience and understanding.