Nothing good happens quickly…

I am changing and accepting my change. I accept that I have a lot of grief. I have so much grief in my life and Ive constantly ignored it. I started to see it for what it was, loss. Sadness on loss. I have lost so much in the past few years and I never really stopped to think about it. It would come to me in pieces of memories and I would push them away because they hurt me too much. It hurt to remember those bad memories and I would quickly go to an excuse on what happened and why it was okay, rather than accepting that it hurt and i was sad. Why did I do this? Because its easy to push it away and pretend its all okay, even when it not. It persisted because I never acknowledged it. I am suffering from the sadness of loss. Loss of friends, family, time, money, health, activity, my dogs life (she’s still alive, but I have a lot of grief over the way I neglected her for the past few years) I ask myself what does acceptance really mean? I think I know now it means to just say yes, I am sad. It hurts that so and so isn’t your friend anymore. It hurts that you acted this way, it hurts that you didn’t listen when people told you how to not suffer. It hurts that humans are well meaning but only can last for so long with you down your darkness. It hurts that you didn’t have the parents you deserved. It hurts that you know your mother does not care about you how she cares for your siblings. It hurts that your father is with a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t do anything about it. That’s the real pain, the true deep pain. LOSS. Loss of “what ifs” and “should be”. I should have been raised by a smart psychologically well off family who would have known how to help me and kept me protected and raised me with the right foods and exercise. To be raised in a household that honored my intelligence and had me reading and read to every day. A family that taught me how to cook and at eat together and openly communicate with love not anger. To be taught how to love and be open and to know love doesn’t hurt. These are things every human deserves, but honestly not every human gets. Most people don’t get that type of upbringing. Most people are raised in broken homes, that are poor and undereducated on how to raise another human.

I heard my cousin the other day say “We cant pay back the past, we can only pay forward”. This stuck out to me, because I felt like I could do it myself. I cant pay myself back for all the lost time and education and love, but I could pay it forward to myself. I can train myself like a child, mother myself to learn how to cook and exercise and to read and educate. I am way smarter than I ever thought I was. I have proven to myself that I can learn and understand and change. That takes intelligence. Just because I don’t know chemistry or haven’t been published doesn’t mean I am not smart. It means I haven’t pushed myself enough.

The past few days I have been pushing myself little by little to change my lack of movement. I started walking with my cousin on Tuesday, September 11th. Odd day to start, but kind of makes sense. I met up with her and we walked for a half hour. Then the next few days I met her at 6am and we did an intense work out up the hill. Yesterday we didn’t meet up, but I did a quick 15 minutes around the neighborhood and today I woke up and did a 15 minute yoga video. Thats 5 straight days of movement! I am proud of myself, but also been hard on myself too. I have been so tired and taking naps and feeling so exhausted. I yell at myself for being lazy and should be doing something else besides sleeping! The little voice inside says, rest, you will be busy soon enough. I always feel like I am wasting my precious time on this earth by sleeping and resting when I could be achieving something. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe rest is achieving something. During this rest I did recognize my grief and my loss. During this rest I did see how food has been affecting me negatively. During this rest, I got to see how I interact with people and how it makes me feel. Anytime I was asked to show up for someone I have. Anytime I had offered for work, I have went. I am starting a week long production job today filled with 12 hour days and lots of new things, and new people. I have been nervous about it, but I really don’t have to be. I “should” feel confident in myself. The job I am doing doesn’t take anything more than patience and understanding and movement. I have some of those things. Patience I am still working on, but it will be fine. It will be meditative. I am organizing clothing. Thats all I have to do today. This week I will be fed, so I don’t have to spend too much money on food. I am also getting paid enough money to pay my upcoming rent as well as car payment. It is amazing! I feel this will lead to more jobs as well in the future. I am setting myself up, and I have not been lazy, Ive been preparing. I know everything I need to do to be successful for this job and for life.

Movement, my teas, whole foods and good sleep. Thats all I need to do, oh and be patient with myself, and the process. Nothing good happens quickly.

Always trust your gut

Tonight i had a reminder to always trust my gut..I had had a feeling with a friend for many years that always somewhere in the back of my mind said “there is a darkness in there”. I got to feeling desperate about my living situation and was about to move in with this person. Yesterday there was a reminder of something that had happened 6 years ago that never sat right with me and tonight something happened that reminded me of someone else that I know isnt good for me. They are too alike. There is something off about it, and I am okay to be their friend, but not okay to live with them. I immediately spoke my truth about my feelings than said I cant live with you. They didnt argue. They knew I was seeing something inside they’ve tried to hide for many years. Its always there, the darkness. People show you themselves all the time you just need to trust your gut and feel confident in yourself.

This song goes out to you, friend. As well as other people Ive always believed I couldn’t trust and they’ve proven me right over the years

 

Moving forward…..

Ask and you shall receive. I am asking for an affordable place to live alone, close to my family for me and my dog that has a washer/dryer on site, a parking spot, a bath tub, in a safe neighborhood and nobody lives above me, and oh hardwood floors. No more than 1300. I will find this magical place and it will be mine. I am thinking November 1st. I can deal with this spot another 6 weeks while I save and get my place. It will come. I am asking and I will get it. I will wait for it to come. All the pieces will line up and I will have what I need and want.

My job will also start soon and come to me. I want to be working on productions. I want to be on set and waitress part time and keep working for my boss now. I want to have my hands in something artistic and something that makes me money and something comfortable to do on my own time. That would be those there things. I really want to work where I feel comfortable and makes me at least 250-300 a day. I will have enough money to take care of myself, my mental health and create a career as a healer. GOD do you hear me? I want these things. Tell me what I need to do to get them and I will listen. Thank you.

Right by your side..?

I realized looking through old pictures that i “used” to be so hot, confident and happy. I had my ups and downs but i LIVED! I used to live a life. I would go out, i had lots of friends and traveled a ton. I would do things all the time, and I had fun. Now I feel like an ugly old lady who hides in her house all the time and is scared to live. this is from 5 years of being in a controlling, abusive relationship. I cant say he was alone in the abuse, I played my role too. But I ALWAYS tried to lift him up, ALWAYS was his support system, and he would be mine too, later. In the beginning of the relationship he used to tell me how I dressed and my makeup was lame and I was too old to be acting certain ways and he didnt a woman “like that”. He didnt make me change my phone number and stop talking to people, but would cause trouble and problems if I didnt. When I would get late night texts from guy friends on the west coast while on the east coast it would cause the worst fights. It was just easier for me to cut everyone off and avoid the fights. I would do anything to avoid a fight with him, but it always happened anyway because he didnt trust me. I did lie to him about something that happened before we met, but I made good on that, and then I felt like I needed to tell him every single thing that I did or that happened to me. He blamed me for so much of it and hated it. He never left me though, we just stayed in this pool of distrust and love mixed together. I never left him either, because I have a fear of abandonment and felt like he was my “one”. I couldn’t leave the love of my life. I stayed for almost 5 full years in what I can now look back and say was an extremely abusive relationship mixed with some of the most awakening times in my life. He taught me so much about myself and helped me look at my behaviors and how they weren’t how I wanted to be. He also was a mess himself and would blame me for things and still does actually. Its still my fault to him. He never said sorry because he thinks things were my fault. I thought so too for so long.

I was talking about one of the things that had happened between us and the person i was telling was shocked and could not believe i ever talked to him again after that happened, and it happened again two more times! I kept going back even though i had all the proof i shouldn’t. i couldn’t help myself. he was like a drug. i was addicted to the “love”. The “love” i was taught in my own household growing up. I didn’t know what real love was supposed to look like. My mother never showed me or taught me and anyone else who tried was sweet but it would all go away when I would be home in that house with that type of love. I only ever saw sharp tongues and mean looks and pushiness be shown as love. I never saw positive touch or even hugs. Was never told “I love you, goodnight” I didnt even ever feel worthy of love, until him. I was never good enough for him, and I now feel not good enough for anyone. I feel defective and ugly. I feel like I am destined to be alone forever, because its all I can handle. I feel like too much for anyone. He made me know I was too much for anyone else. I have countless emails from him saying “nobody will ever love you, you’ll never have anyone again”.

I can imagine him reading this in terror and shock that I feel this way being as though  we have been on good terms for a while. We officially ended things this summer, but remained friends since we’ve known each other since we were kids. He knew me best, and vice versa. I thought I needed him forever in my life, but the more the memories piled on and I remembered things that had happened and his reactions and behaviors towards me, I realized I needed to step back. I need to heal from the relationship. i don’t think he is a bad person, but i think people were right..we were like oil and water. Neither bad, we just didn’t mesh well. It made no sense to me for so long, since we were best friends and had so much fun. We really only ever had alone though. Anytime we were with other people he would be weird to me, and avoid me. He said its becauseI would cause a fight and I believed him. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I think that i was psychologically manipulated and scared due to my own mental health issues that I was just in a constant state of reaction to protect myself the only way I knew how, as well as loved the only way I knew how-through anger.

I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be successful and fall in love and have children and make the best life ever. I want it for me too, I am scared I will never get it though. I am scared our time together stole that from me. I am scared I will never be pretty again or lovable. I am scared I will kill myself one day because of it all. I am scared you will kill yourself too.

Searching for life’s instruction manual.

I am starting to think I am maybe more scared than I let on. I think maybe I am holding myself back in so many ways and I do not even know how to stop doing it. I feel so much creativity inside me wanting to come out, but yet I still dont do anything to let it free. I dont know how. I am being dead serious. I sit and watch all these other people getting on with their lives and creating something for themselves, and here I am sitting around watching tv or sleeping. I am sober which I always thought was my problem. “when I quit weed it will all happen” well i quit weed and nothings happened. the most I do that is worth anything is floss and brush my teeth twice a day and wash my face. I remember when that was a big one for me. Now I do that and I feel better, but what is that going to get me? health teeth and less wrinkles? cool.

how do i create anything? my paintings are shit and usually just some jumbled subtle type of art therapy for myself. which i guess art is for most people, therapeutic. i feel like i am not good at anything, even thought i know i am good at some stuff. i am a great organizer and thinker. i have lots of ideas and i am an efficient person who can see through problems and find the answers. but what is that going to get me? how do i become successful? serving food? not a fucking chance. that might get my bills paid but i am certain i will feel like i am in the rat race and hate it at some point. i need to create. i need help. who can i even ask for help? what is the help i need?

i pray these answers come to me.

its the new moon! my chance to change! now i just need an instruction manual.

Lessons upon lessons…

I banked my whole move on a restaurant opening up in time, and of course it was mercury retrograde too…so of course its not opening yet. not until October now. i was getting so stressed about money, but this morning something told me to not worry. it will all be okay. then my cousin called and said she wants me to be her PA on her next shoot and im hoping that comes through. Id make enough to pay rent and my one car payment! yay!

I am extremely behind on my bills right now and scared, but i know i must keep the faith. worrying pushes things away. i need to write everyday and be open to opportunities i would not think of normally. I need to be okay with everything I am going through and learning.

Before I moved down here I was certain. Sure of myself. i knew what i was doing and i needed to do it now! it all was working itself out, and it all fell apart as soon as i landed. I need to re-find the faith I had in July and August in myself and my journey. Ive done everything besides work out that my intuition has told me to do. Working out is coming up next for me. I see it happening, it takes time to switch and I am ready and willing, but still a tad lazy like i said in my last post.

My tarot cards today were power and the fool. Both such intense cards and so in what i am doing and dealing with. Trust in my power and the journey. I am starting out fresh and I am working, just not enough for my “plans” and bills. I will survive it will work out. I will get that PA job and I will make a huge paycheck that covers me. I will also start working at the restaurant soon and make boat loads there as well.

Bed Bound

I realized I need to quit laziness. I need to quit inactivity. I always said i need to start exercising or something along those lines, but in reality its quitting inactivity. This really changes the way I look at it. Starting for some reason is harder than quitting for me. I cant seem to get out of bed in the morning if I have nothing to do. But I DO have something to do…movement. Stretch, (yoga), read, write, mediate. Same old same old with me. I cant seem to accomplish these things. I used to blame my weed addiction, but im sober now, well only 6 weeks sober, but still sober! Am I being too hard on myself? most likely. I am jobless and broke. well not even jobless. I still work 10 hours a week for my other job up north, but I still consider that not enough, because its not. 10 hours a week isnt anything. its 100/week. I cant live on that. I barely can fed myself, my dog and get gas on that. I hate being in society sometimes. Why does it have to be so hard? Why cant i figure out ?

The inertia of life keeps me down and Ive yet to find a way out.