I have been awoken lately to a concept most of us probably never even think about. Patience.
Normally I would say that I am a patient person, who listens and tries to understand situations. I would say that I am calm and know how to act under pressure, or stress. But the truth is, I am not. I am very impatient. I get annoyed driving, having to listen to other peoples music, having to do anything that I don’t want to do really. Waiting in lines, being on hold, waiting for 10 to watch True Blood. I mean I am the most impatient person I know. I was lucky enough to have my friend Nate help me see this from a totally different view. One day while working he challenged me to not switch the music all day long. I laughed at this theory and though he was just being a dick. He and I chatted back and fourth about this and the next day at work I decided to give it a try. I went most of the day not even noticing the music. I was content just doing my work and not concerning myself with the music. The shitty part is that I happened to be walking by the iPod and heard the music and just pushed next. Automatically I was defeated. Nate just looked at me with that “I told you so” type of look. This ultimately bothered me to a level I can’t explain. The days that followed that incident at work I kept thinking about it. I couldn’t grasp what had really happened. On the surface it was silly, just a little bet, but it was way deeper. This was a part of me that I had been ignoring.
I had always thought that you were supposed to always be happy. You were meant to compromise together when in a relationship, or friendship or even with your family. But ultimately everyone wants everyone to be happy, and we are in control of our own happiness, right? So why not do everything we can to be happy. Express our thoughts, feelings and emotions until we feel happy. I thought to myself yes, I get it. I didn’t get it yet, I was getting closer but still wasn’t deep enough. It didn’t actually hit me until I was at a Phish concert last week. I was stuck in the middle of 30,000 people and had to be patient through many many things. People pushing, the overwhelming heat, cigarette smoke blowing at me and I did. I got through it. I breathed deep and found my center. I got through it.
More recently in meditation I have been feeling itches, or aches and have made myself get through. Take some deep breathes and it will pass, and it does. This is true to every aspect of life, and I finally get it. Patience is a virtue couldn’t be more of a true statement. I feel so lucky to finally see the light, and now I can start changing myself and my behavior. I feel like in some way this is getting me ready for motherhood. I need patience with a child, and a husband. I need to be able to sit through things I may not want to, conversations that are hard. Feeling and anguish that come with being an adult, feelings Ive kept myself away from. I have always questioned what it means to be an adult. Is it age? Is it status? Is it when you buy a house, or a have a kid? No its when you gain patience and slow down to deal with life and all of its situations with a clear mind. When you don’t over react, or even react at all. Its when you are present enough to be in a situation as the best you, you can be.
I am so happy to be finding Melissa more and more everyday. I can’t wait to see what else I’ve been hiding behind.